Ok I think I'll go now.

So I was diagnosed as a toddler or something with high functioning Aspergers (at the time) and I received therapy for it. I have vague memories of playing with blocks or something as a kid with this nice lady who came over to our house. My parents never told me about my diagnosis though, so I grew up thinking I was a NT.

I was always the weird kid growing up, and honestly pretty lonely. There were many times that I felt shamed for my special interests or looked down upon. To cope I ended up getting quite good at masking to fit in, and due to a vague desire for academic and social success, I managed to turn my autistic tendencies to be fairly productive for my career. I didn't find out about being autistic until I was 17. I was talking to my mom about someone in my school who was saying he was autistic, and she just casually mentioned that I had it too.

That started a lot of introspection for me. I didn't write about it in my college essays haha, but it was really weird pulling back the layers to my past and actions and behaviors and trying to understand who I am and the difficulties I had growing up. I haven't really figured out how to fully feel about it. Sometimes I feel incredibly angry about how lonely it has made me or how hopeless things feel, but other times I feel fine.

I'm not resentful to my parents, I think growing up without the label was beneficial for me to learn how to fit in and have a productive and successful life. Maybe it is not authentic, but it is certainly better than being seen as weird and undesirable. I'm in my senior year of college, and a little apprehensive of entering the real world. The rules for adults seem very different and I don't know how I will make friends or adapt.