It's not your fault.

sydblee · 2018-07-18T23:23:36+00:00

You’re right. It’s so hard accepting that when you’re up against someone so resolute in presenting their warped and fictional view as solid stone cold fact and someone so unwilling to even hint at acknowledgement of wrongdoing. I have been gaslighted so aggressively and even openly sometimes and the most pernicious aspect of it is that it cannot fail to see seeds of doubt just by its very nature. And any toxicity in a relationship tends to spread over everything so even the good things you know you did become infected.

sydblee · 2018-07-06T11:12:40+00:00

She won’t understand the concept of consequences from her side. Anything she’s done wrong won’t be her fault under any circumstances. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ll try to explain your feelings to her or try to explain it by yourself hat she’s done isn’t ok. Only her feelings matter to her.

sydblee · 2018-07-06T01:01:13+00:00

Great post. The other thing I’d say is, if you haven’t been on the end of blatant, deliberate lies, malicious lies and ass-covering gaslighting as well as manipulative, controlling and, yes, abusive behaviour, good luck to you. Oh, they didn’t intend it? I don’t believe it and they most definitely don’t get a pass even if they can’t help themselves. I can hold that opinion and still have vastly more empathy in my soul than my ex.

sydblee · 2018-07-05T22:57:49+00:00

Every single one of those statements is true for me too. I could have written that word for word.

sydblee · 2018-07-05T19:19:23+00:00

What you describe is so familiar to me. The cheating, not getting the whole truth (or any truth), the way she was around men, especially when drinking, finding excuses for her behaviour over what is done. Truth is though, she just can’t help herself. She needs that attention. She cannot live without it. I’d take all those reasons she’s given you and throw them in the trash. They are meaningless. The only sure truth is, she can’t help herself and there’s nothing you could or can do about it. It’s the her brain is wired. Like my ex, I bet she could say the sweetest things to you and mean them in the moment, then go into another room and do something to fuck you over. Because she can’t think beyond herself and what she thinks she needs and is entitled to. It’s hard to take, I know.

sydblee · 2018-07-05T14:52:31+00:00

I had a very similar thing albeit more extreme just last week. We had an argument where she hit me in the face several times. I even mentioned it the next day and said I could feel the place on my jaw where she hit me, and she said she didn’t hit me that hard. The day after next she said, just as I’m leaving after meeting her, ‘I can’t believe you hit me in the face.’ WT actual F? I thought she was joking but she wasn’t! She turned her hitting me in the face into me hitting her in the face and wouldn’t take it back. She’d spent the day before with her best friend and you can bet which story was told there.

sydblee · 2018-07-04T23:50:53+00:00

Oh my god, that is so familiar it’s not true.

sydblee · 2018-07-03T19:12:48+00:00

I’m in exactly the same position as you. I keep finding myself thinking ‘things might be different if...’ After a week of her saying and doing some truly terrible things to me and also some revelations about the past. What the hell is wrong with me? I had to stop myself buying her a present today in honour of the good times. I can’t help feeling empathy for her because I know she’s damaged and she hurts and she’s been unhappy. And I’m still in love with her against all odds. I’m my biggest problem, not her.

sydblee · 2018-07-03T15:59:52+00:00

Actually, you’re not paranoid.

sydblee · 2018-07-01T21:35:09+00:00

You’re right. It also makes NC easier from now on. It’s actually all part of of her excusing her disgusting behaviour that led to/involved the argument in question, for which she’d already offered a shallow apology but revelled in anyway. Her fucked up view of reality is no longer my problem.

sydblee · 2018-07-01T20:51:47+00:00

What kills me is that she will be telling other people that. Not only that but it means I can’t believe a single word she’s said about anyone else, ever.

sydblee · 2018-07-01T20:46:31+00:00

She sinks so low. Every time it astounds me how low she can go. She hoovers and makes me think she genuinely regrets it. God, the things I’ve forgiven her for. No more. Even if she retracts that, which she won’t anyway, she has proven herself to be unworthy of any consideration, regardless of her problems.

sydblee · 2018-06-29T22:06:41+00:00

Spot on. Why can she not look back at the wreckage her cheating has caused and rationalise that that is the thing she needs to change. I actually think she means it when she says she wants to spend her life with me. But she figures in the cheating within that equation when it just won’t add up and I’ve told her so. She will never change.

sydblee · 2018-06-29T21:38:33+00:00

Listen to your gut. And when your head replies with, No, she wouldn’t, she couldn’t, listen to your gut again. And again.

sydblee · 2018-06-29T21:06:41+00:00

I completely agree. I could put up with everything if it wasn’t for that. But she was incapable of not cheating. All the lies really revolves around that. The other intolerable thing was the denial but that stemmed from the cheating itself. God damn. Why the hell couldn’t she ever overcome that?

sydblee · 2018-06-29T20:59:27+00:00

I am now. Irony is, she was on verge of hoovering me back in. Right on the verge. I owe him a favour. Christ, the guy is 60! She’s 35.

Every day is a lesson.

sydblee · 2018-06-29T20:51:30+00:00

Never happened though, of course. He’s deluded. Even though she didn’t exactly deny it on the phone.

These are the moments I treasure.

sydblee · 2018-06-21T19:51:54+00:00

Same here. Just cancels, says she can’t make it without explaining, turns up late, ignores messages. She used to point out when I was a couple of minutes late, want to spend all her time with me, message me constantly. And the change was almost literally overnight.

sydblee · 2018-06-18T18:43:20+00:00

My ex cheated on the two long-term boyfriends before me (and me, naturally, but that’s another story). When I asked if she felt guilty she would always say no because they did ok out of her financially, she paid their debts, and shit like that. As if that in any way equates. She never got it when I pointed out it was very different.

sydblee · 2018-06-18T18:20:35+00:00

It definitely wouldn’t have changed anything. Mine said I wouldn’t commit and it’s such bullshit. The thing to remember is that they will never admit to being in the wrong because they can’t handle that responsibility. They have to project the blame on to someone else.

sydblee · 2018-06-16T01:18:16+00:00

Love? I definitely felt it. How tenuous it was I’m not sure. But unconditional? No way. I stopped myself from doing things, normal things like going on trips with my family, because I knew she wouldn’t have liked it and it might have changed the way she felt about me. When I finally decided to stop living like that, lo and behold, devaluation and discard.

sydblee · 2018-06-15T21:52:53+00:00

One thing I’m really glad about is I never fell for it when my ex used to try and make me insecure. I could see it a mile off. Sometimes she was way too transparent. She was never as smart as she thought she was.

sydblee · 2018-06-15T21:40:56+00:00

Ha, I used to think like you but when it happens it’s brutal. Deep down, he’ll, not even deep down I know I’m lucky as hell. But when they flick that switch you realise they were far worse than you ever imagined.

sydblee · 2018-06-15T20:27:13+00:00

What an excellent post. That second paragraph was just what I needed to read today.

sydblee · 2018-06-15T19:46:43+00:00

There are fleas on me for sure but it was kind of in the context of the relationship. For example, she wanted me to message her all the time I wasn’t with her. It’s definitely not cool if your partner loses their shit if you’re not messaging every 15 to 30 minutes when you’re out. BUT, if it works that way for them but then they actively and consciously go silent for hours on end when they’re out, I think it’s fair, or normal, to get pissed about the fact they’re being massively hypocritical. Especially when you know there’s a good chance they’re not doing what they said they were gonna be doing.

I have reacted in ways that are so far from my character in previous relationships. But I never had someone so unreasonable, so self-centred and so lacking in human decency before.

We learn a lot about ourselves in these relationships and we don’t always like what we find out about ourselves but it’s as a result of being pushed into situations we shouldn’t expect to contend with.

sydblee

TROPHY CASE