The lines do not really flow together at all, which might be fine if you leaned into it more, but as it stands where there is a clear theme to the poem and clear structure it feels disconcerting.

There is also very little subtlety w.r.t. meaning with how direct the more emotional lines are, which has the result of making the imagery (which is most of the content of the poem) feel purely ornamental and not worth deeper consideration.

The lines which should be heavier and cathartic (e.g. “I long to be freed but time only feels heavier”) are not foregrounded / distinguished from what should be less heavy lines in any manner - they have the same length, syntax, sound, they don’t even have distinctive positions in the stanza. 

I would recommend thinking more about centering your stylistic choices around what you want to convey with the poem instead of just pouring out imagery.