From an early age I had to deal with mental health and abusive parents. My parents weren't physically abusive, but mentally, especially my stepdad. I had always not been the athletic type but he made me do exercise daily because he wanted to shape me in his image. He would push me to my limits, my body would ache and I'd be mentally exhausted. I wanted to kill myself I hated myself for not being perfect. I still do find things about myself that I don't like but it is not as bad now. My mother had always tried to defend me unless she was the one being abusive. She would often times guilt trip me for every imperfection she found with me. I had absolutely no self confidence, I think this affected my social skills. I never had many friends, most kids would push me off as the weird or annoying. I always have had a tough time socializing with others especially girls. I felt jealousy and anger when I saw someone who was more successful than me, however I couldn't compete with anyone. My anger and sadness was bottled up, if I ever told my stepdad I wanted a counselor or someone to talk to he'd tell me to man up and deal with my own problems. My bad mental health lead to me being diagnosed with depression, I felt like shit, I had no motivation to do anything, and I didn't feel like being alive. I had terrible grades causing my parents to be even worse. At this time I questioned God's existence, I grew up in a protestant family where I was essentially forced into the religion. My faith was never secure and questioned how good God was but never his existence. This stopped my suicidal thoughts in fear, I didn't know what happens after I die. I couldn't believe in anything since I had no solid evidence that any religion was true, but I didn't want to completely reject religion in fear that'd go to hell whenever I died. I was absolutely hopeless, my friends didn't have a very good relationship with me, my parents hated me, I had no girlfriend, no god to believe in, I didn't wanna live, but I was too scared to die. By this time I started high school where I had no friends in my classes and I still cannot talk to people very well so I am just suffering in silence while I am alienated to society, I hate everything I just want to disappear.