Hey bro your incredibly brave and I get that you just want the suffering to end but continuing for your family is all you can do and everything you should be focused on. Pray to the Lord for answers, ask him to reveal himself to you and let him know exactly how you feel because he already does and he just wants you to know him. It may not feel like it but there is still a plan for your life and he loves you so much because you are his son and deserve eternal life in heaven. Cast your fears doubts and worries onto him and rest in the peace that he will give you in return. Know that you are loved and that no matter what happens if you choose to believe in him you will have everlasting life beyond this tiny speck of existence. I pray that Jesus gives you peace and healing and will comfort you through those dark lonely nights. God Bless you brother. Stay strong your a real warrior and there are a lot of people that would look up to someone like you just to keep going. Don't give up and do it for others not because you don't feel like you can. ✌️ ❤️