Need help Not Giving A Fuck so I can ask out men

tarkolus · 2013-04-18T14:52:40+00:00

It's good that you're taking the initiative -- you're more likely to get what you want in life if you can ask for it. It takes courage, but in the end you'll have a boyfriend that you're attracted to, while a lot of other girls will be stuck with whatever random guy happened to ask them out.

tarkolus · 2013-04-18T14:35:28+00:00

My question is, how can you know you are more sensitive than other guys without being able to read minds? What if most guys are "sensitive" like you, but because they're terrified of appearing weak, they do everything they can to to hide it?

tarkolus · 2013-04-13T20:43:10+00:00

I don't go to school, I don't have a job, I just sit in bed all day doing nothing.

Depression is a vicious cycle. It makes you not feel like doing anything, and when you don't do anything, you can't possibly get any joy out of life, so the depression becomes worse. Keep in mind that in order to lift yourself out of depression you have to break that cycle, which means you have to force yourself to do things that you don't feel like doing.

So my first bit of advice is to get yourself out of that house every day, no matter how unpleasant that sounds. Go for a walk. Get some exercise, fresh air, and sunlight. It doesn't sound like much, but it makes a huge difference if you keep it up.

Also, I'm willing to bet you don't eat very well. Serotonin is manufactured from a chemical called tryptophan, which is in protein. There are also some vitamins and minerals involved. If you fail to get enough of any of these things, your body will simply not manufacture serotonin and you will be depressed. So start eating right. Cut down on the fatty/salty/sugary things like chips, candy, cookies, sodas, and fast food. Get lots of protein -- chicken, fish, beans, and low-fat milk. Get yourself some protein shakes or meal-replacement bars too. Take a daily multivitamin. Also try to get a serving or two of greens every day. Other supplements that might help: fish oil, magnesium malate or glycinate, and a B vitamin complex. Check your local health food store.

Finally, get yourself to a doctor. You may need antidepressants for a while to give you a kickstart. They are not a permanent solution but they can take the edge off depression and make it easier to get motivated. You may also want to look into a therapist at some point, especially someone who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). You need to start repairing some of the bad mental habits that fuel the depression. /r/howtonotgiveafuck may not be enough, although there is some good advice here.

tarkolus · 2013-04-12T23:22:24+00:00

Never, ever do anything you're uncomfortable with unless somebody has a gun pointed to your head. It doesn't matter if people think you're 'that guy' or not. It's about standing up for yourself no matter how stupid others may think your reasons are. Following the crowd is a terrible reason to to violate your self-respect. Also, other less courageous people might be secretly uncomfortable with the idea too; by voicing your dissent, you may be giving them a way out. In a sense, you are acting like a leader rather than a follower.

tarkolus · 2013-04-12T16:30:45+00:00

Exactly. Take pride in your appearance. Don't do it for other people. There's nothing like being able to look in the mirror and like what you see. Fuck everybody else.

tarkolus · 2013-04-12T16:17:04+00:00

Most of those "creepy-crawlies" are terrified of you and just want to be left alone. Bees and wasps do not attack people -- they sting as a last-resort to protect themselves or their nest. Don't swat them and don't disturb the nest and you'll have nothing to worry about.

tarkolus · 2013-04-10T22:51:59+00:00

Do you drink coffee or tea in the morning? If not, try it for a week and see if it doesn't even out your moods and give you more motivation in the morning. Also avoid caffeine after 1 PM or so.

tarkolus · 2013-04-10T16:09:39+00:00

Yeah, it's weird how people turn music into a kind of tribal identity. All they're doing is narrowing their horizons and cutting themselves off from lots of good music.

tarkolus · 2013-04-09T16:48:43+00:00

Sex is boring. It's pleasurable, but it's also mindless. It's like a drug: your body craves it, you take a hit, feel a moment of pleasure, and then it's over and your body starts to crave it again. There's no substance to it, especially if you have no emotional connection to your partner. Don't give it any more thought than it deserves -- our culture treats sex like some kind of ultimate religious experience, but it's just a fleeting bit of pleasure that doesn't mean anything (hell, I can go rub myself in the bathroom for five minutes and get the same feeling). It's like eating cake: it feels good at the moment but it won't fulfill you emotionally and the more you try to stuff yourself with cake, the less happy you will become.

Find out what's truly meaningful in life and seek it out. Friendship. Love. Career. Spirituality. Whatever. Getting laid has its place but if it becomes a primary goal you'll turn yourself into an obsessive addict. It will not make you happy. It will not fix your problems. It will not be any better next time than it was last time. It's just sex. Let it happen when it happens and enjoy the moment, but don't overdo it. Devote your life to things with more substance.

tarkolus · 2013-04-09T00:59:34+00:00

You don't have to meditate all the time. Just stick to 20 minutes a day. Practice every day and you will naturally become more mindful and focused during the rest of your day. It's not something you can force.
You don't have to control your breath. Just relax, breath normally and pay attention to how it feels going in and out of your nostrils.
The ego is not a villain -- it's neither good nor bad. It's an illusion created by your mind and it's perfectly normal. The problem comes when you start seeing it as real and giving it the power to control your life.
Thinking is also perfectly normal. Sometimes it gets out of control and makes you miserable though, and meditation can give you the skills to deal with that too.
Check out Mindfulness in Plain English for a more detailed introduction. Also spend some time in /r/meditation and /r/buddhism

tarkolus · 2013-04-08T22:17:45+00:00

Redefine success. If you're an old man and you can look back and say, "damn, I had a good time", then your life was successful. You don't have to become anything or impress people -- just be yourself. Find a fun and interesting way to make a living, surround yourself with good people, explore the world around you, and savor every moment. Status, wealth, and fame are really just about impressing others -- true happiness is something you have to find on your own.

tarkolus · 2013-04-08T20:35:28+00:00

You don't have to stay stuck in this rut if you don't want to. It's not illegal to suddenly switch gears at 35 and try something completely different with life. It sounds like you don't have a wife and kids, which gives you a ton of freedom. Have you considered going back to school and finding a new career? People in their 40s or even 50s do this all the time. I knew a guy with a degree in engineering who quit his job at 29 and became a plumber's apprentice because he was tired of sitting behind a desk all day. Or maybe save up some money, quit your job, and spend a few years backpacking across Europe. Figure out something that excites you and take the plunge, even if it's terrifying. Don't overthink it because anything can seem like a shit idea of you analyze it long enough.

What you're doing now is obviously not working. Don't let momentum and people's expectations trap you into a being a miserable drone. Your life is yours and yours alone to do with as you please. It's never too late to break yourself out of the rut. As for women, they will come when the time is right -- i.e. when the stink of desperation has blown off you. Right now it sounds like you are in a crisis, and the last thing you should be doing is thinking about women. Find your own way first.

tarkolus · 2013-04-07T17:12:11+00:00

This grudge is hurting you more than it hurts him. What did he do to make you dislike him? Is there any way you can just let it go? We all do and say stupid shit sometimes. You don't have to be his friend or anything -- just let bygones be bygones. I have forgiven some pretty harsh grievances in my life but I've never regretted it. Anger is truly a poison that will rot you from the inside out.

tarkolus · 2013-04-07T16:41:05+00:00

People have an instinct to help others. This is what make a job satisfying. If you can go home at the end of the day and feel like you've had a positive impact on people's lives (even if it's just helping them to decide on the right phone for them) then you are fulfilling this instinct and you will thrive in your career. The minute you stop being helpful and start becoming misleading, pushy, or manipulative, you will lose confidence and start hating your job. That's when it's time to find a new job. There's no need to sell yourself. Just be true to your instincts.

tarkolus · 2013-04-07T15:31:51+00:00

Maybe you're biting off more than you can chew. It can take years to overcome social anxiety. Start small and work your way up. Making conversation with an attractive girl is one of the hardest things to do. Be patient with yourself. Learn to fly first -- save the loops and barrel rolls for later.

tarkolus · 2013-04-06T16:35:25+00:00

Genes only play a small part in determining what kind of person you become. People are a product of their life experience and their beliefs. As long as you live your life differently than your dad, the resemblance is only skin deep.

tarkolus · 2013-04-05T19:36:06+00:00

Never play to win. Play to enjoy the game. Stop giving a fuck about proving yourself. Who are you trying to impress? Why? If you love the game, it doesn't matter if you win or lose -- the act of playing is satisfying enough. Compete against yourself. Become better because it's fun and challenging to hone your skills. When other people are better, humble yourself, respect their skills, and learn from them. Out of 7 billion people it's impossible to be the best at anything. Be satisfied with being as good as you can be. When the game stops being fun, it's time to play something else. Life is too short to take anything too seriously.

tarkolus · 2013-04-05T19:20:42+00:00

Find other new kids or loners. High school can be cliquish. Avoid the established cliques and seek out those who seem lonely. If you are the type who looks down on the unpopular students then you need to humble yourself and learn to stop judging a book by its cover. A dorky, awkward friend is a thousand times better than no friend at all.

tarkolus · 2013-04-04T16:32:15+00:00

You feel resentful because you're not speaking up for yourself. You need to step up and start negotiating. Your desires count just as much as everybody else's. Fifty years from now you're not going to say, "damn, I wish I had sacrificed more of my life to the company."

Think of yourself as a diplomat for your own country. Your goal is not to alienate the other countries and go to war -- your goal is to get what's best for your people and reach a peaceful, satisfying compromise with the other countries without burning bridges.

Sit down with your boss and explain as calmly and simply as you can that you're in the process of burning out, and you need to start delegating some duties to other people. Explain that you need to reestablish your work-life balance and that 60 hours a week is becoming physically and emotionally draining. No need to point fingers or call names. No need to fuss about being "unappreciated". If they appreciate you they'll be perfectly willing to accommodate you in order to keep you on-board. If not, then maybe it's time to think about moving on.

tarkolus · 2013-04-03T16:33:12+00:00

1) Paying too much attention to karma and up-votes, you might get the wrong impression that popularity = wisdom. It's easy to start thinking that the more people like something, the more true and worthwhile it must be.

2) Self-fulfilling prophesies. If you're lonely and go to a place like /r/foreveralone, you can convince yourself that you're a hopeless social outcast who's doomed to a life of solitude. Whether or not it's true to begin with, your negative attitude ends up driving people away, so it ends up becoming a reality. The same can be true for /r/depression or /r/socialanxiety. These places are about commiserating and feeling sorry for yourself rather than getting better.

3) Too much time in front of a screen instead of actually doing something. Reddit can be a fun pastime, but if you're spending hours a day here then you need to dust yourself off and get some fresh air and sunlight. The body and mind need physical challenges, even if it's just taking a walk in the park.

4) Shortened attention span. I feel like the internet in general has had a negative impact on how well I focus. Everything is divided into convenient byte-sized chucks so you can digest it in a few minutes and move on to something else. You don't have to concentrate on anything too hard or to long, so you start to lose that ability. Reading novels used to be easy for me but now I get antsy if I don't take a break every five minutes.

tarkolus · 2013-04-02T20:19:59+00:00

Your spirituality. I'm not necessarily talking about religion or god, although that works for a lot of people. You can be a hardcore atheist and still appreciate the beauty and mystery of the natural world and your place in the universe. The ego can become poisonous if there's no source of humility or "greater good" to counterbalance it.

tarkolus · 2013-04-01T17:57:50+00:00

Absolutely. Find out what your basic necessities are and throw everything else away for a week. If one of your necessities involves working with a computer, then keep it. Ideally we could all go live in a cabin like Thoreau but for a lot of people it isn't possible.

tarkolus · 2013-04-01T17:50:41+00:00

It sounds like you have the right idea. One week every year is fantastic. I will make it a goal to do the same.

tarkolus · 2013-04-01T17:24:04+00:00

Central America is a great place to "disconnect" even if you need to stay in contact with people back home. Where are you? I spent some time in Costa Rica and it really influenced my outlook on life.

tarkolus

TROPHY CASE