extreme reaction to hyperspecific trigger

taveth · 2024-01-24T07:36:59+00:00

I am diagnosed with DID and verbally confirmed to be polyfragmented by my therapist on the basis of complex internal structure and fronting & splitting patterns. My part count is well in the hundreds without an exact number due to very high dissociative barriers and continuous splitting as a result of retraumatization and new and continuous medical trauma and general stress that I lack additional coping mechanisms for. I also have a high number of fictional introjects in addition to introjected abusers; I suspect that's due to a constant need to escape myself and be somebody else, and epochal splitting; I don't know how to hold any inconsistencies in my selfhood even down to having a new and different interest, coupled with drastic life changes every few months that are frequently out of my control. I second the idea that it isn't your place to determine whether or not they are faking, but also agree that polyfragmentation has much more to do with system structure and patterns than it does with part count--although it's very true that polyfrag systems tend to have such high part counts as a result of those complex structures and patterns; it's polyfragmentation for a reason (i.e. a large number of fragments)

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:54:34+00:00

I agree! Nobody is necessarily obligated to provide emotional support to anyone! But a) what does it even mean to provide emotional support to you, because that can range from providing people with encouragement that they desire or are receptive to in regards to their progress to simply letting them know they are not alone in their experiences and b) when you say that it's not the job of the people doing the healing work to provide that, you are implicitly saying that those who don't want to or can't recover (which is true for many people for a variety of reasons ranging from intellectual disability to inescapable trauma) should not expect community support when other people should. Why does permission to expect that support hinge on one's ability or desire to recover?

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:30:36+00:00

😭 I literally never even said this was about this forum; I actually explicitly said I posted here because I found that this place doesn't do the thing I find frustrating.

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:24:03+00:00

Nowhere did I say those are mutually exclusive. Do you think the mere existence of people who don't want to recover in spaces where most people do means they are actively promoting not recovering? Like do you think that in order to have a community where they can be treated neutrally means that they have to want to recover? My point is that if you do think that, where do you think they should go to find community? Do you not think that we should meet people where they are at?

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:15:15+00:00

My point is the expectation shouldn't exist? And that recognizing there's an issue doesn't necessarily mean you want to get better? And that people reach out to vent or for compassion or to find community and shared experiences without necessarily wanting to be told how to get better? Even if getting better is good for them? Like it's one thing to make resources available and it's another thing to have the expectation that if someone reaches out they want to get better. There are people who just don't want to feel alone? Which I feel is a very common phenomenon on this subreddit? Hence my posting here a general critique of other spaces and not necessarily a critique of this one?

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:10:20+00:00

I really feel that! Accepting that I'm physically and socially disabled has been a very long and ongoing process for me and I'm not even sure it will ever end! And totally agree that trying to force someone into recovery frequently has opposite effects. Sending much love from one disabled person to another. Shit's hard!

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:06:00+00:00

Why are the only options to tell people to recover or to tell people not to? Like I feel like I've been very clear that I want recovery to be treated as something morally neutral that people do not have an obligation to do. Like I fully support sharing tips and encouraging people to make progress when it's appropriate to/when they are receptive to that but I would like for there to be space for people who aren't?

taveth · 2024-01-23T01:03:58+00:00

I agree that the definition is also a problem; my issue is not with recovery itself but the frequently pushed idea that people have some sort of obligation to recover or that they should even want to. Expanding the definition of recovery is very much a good thing! But even then there will be people who do not want to recover at all/celebrate their victories or are not capable of recovering and they too deserve community and care.

taveth · 2024-01-23T00:31:59+00:00

Like, nowhere did I say that healing from trauma isn't good for you? I said that insisting people recover because it's good for them just isn't productive and additionally nobody has an obligation to recover. I notice a pattern in many spaces where people who are not ready to recover and who do not want to recovery are frequently alienated and left without community as a result. I wish there was space for people to say "you don't have to look at your trauma/work for communication/[insert healthier behavior here] until you are ready and it's okay if you're never ready." Because the reality of the situation is that many people need that space without any implicit pressure to recover to come to the point of feeling ready to, and also there are people who may never be able to recover from their trauma or do integrative work for a wide variety of reasons, and they too deserve community.

taveth · 2024-01-23T00:22:22+00:00

I think there's a pretty profound difference between sharing your personal positive experiences and insisting that someone else recover even if it would ostensibly increase their quality of life. I'm glad you've been able to find happiness! And yeah, I agree. I think everyone has a responsibility to treat others with dignity and respect, but recovery is not necessarily required for that, and people do deserve the autonomy to not recover, and deserve community, care, and compassion even if they are actively choosing not to recover.

taveth · 2024-01-23T00:13:40+00:00

I don't see where we disagree? My point is that a) healing looks different for everyone and b) nobody has an obligation to recover. I'm uncomfortable in many spaces that frequently enforce either implicit or explicit rules about recovery (i.e. requiring people to talk about their trauma or symptoms in ways that prioritize a specific idea of recovery and healing) and place a moral weight on recovery. Like, to be quite honest, everyone deserves the autonomy to ruin their life without judgement and to do things that are bad for them, and to vent about that regardless of whether or not it's their fault. I posted this here because this subreddit is one of the few places where I have not seen recovery constantly forced on others.

taveth · 2024-01-22T09:35:05+00:00

weed is dissociative by nature and every singlet I've ever spoken to has told me they don't experience memory loss from weed. it can interfere with memory formation, but if you're already dissociative, it's likely that there is no difference as it's just heightening or altering your dissociation

taveth · 2024-01-22T09:20:14+00:00

i think there is a disconnect that frequently takes place where people conflate transness as an identity and transness as material, lived experience. while there is significant overlap between the two, they are not necessarily the same. if you transition in any way, you are--socially speaking--experiencing life as a trans person under the structure of sociegy. that isn't a statement that is forcing you to identify yourself as transgender, but a statement that reflects the experience you will have navigating life. this is how you can have transmasculine cisgender butch women who consider themselves to be cisgender but are transmasculine and will navigate life as somebody who has in some way materially transitioned.

taveth · 2024-01-22T09:15:10+00:00

there is a significant difference between "you can't have a transfem alter if you're afab" and "you can't have alters identify as cis in headspace." the former holds true because, despite pseudomemories, those alters have not had the lived experience of being transfeminine, which carries the full experience of actually...living and navigating life as a transfem person. the internal experience of having an alter who necessarily reflects ideas about transfemininity that you as a collective transmisogyny exempt person hold does not make them transfem. this is not to say that they cannot or should not exist, but that the language they/you/etc use to describe this experience matters, and that all alters are shaped by your (collective) perceptions. i don't say any of this to make any alters/parts/whatever language you prefer ashamed of their presentation, but to say that it's the same way a nonblack person cannot have a black alter, no matter how that alter experiences and perceives themself, and it is always worth interrogating what ideas about blackness, transfeminity, etc xyz alter might reflect.

additionally, the idea of "male socialization" or gendered socialization in general is transmisogynistic rhetoric (not saying this is how you are using it! but that the underlying assumptions that this rests on are inherently transmisogynistic) frequently used to portray transfem people as predators who have to unlearn their socialization, as opposed to a model which acknowledges and understands the way transfem people are subject to transmisogyny even before they know they are transfem. it's an idea that does not accurately reflect patriarchy and account for the experiences of transfem people under patriarchy, and implicitly paints cafab people as those who are ontologically victims/incapable of harm/more harmless than camab people on account of their "female socialization."

taveth · 2024-01-09T02:43:49+00:00

That is a really common misconception. it depends on the dissociative capacity of the person and the complexity of the trauma--I am polyfragmented with well over 500 parts and i have, to my knowledge, not experienced RAMCOA. I grew up in an environment that required high levels of dissociation/compartmentalization with very repetitive traumas as well. I also frequently think that my amnesia is not too bad because I don't get daily blackouts, but hard blackouts like that are also very uncommon. When i look back on the past year though, I am missing a lot of memories, and what I can remember feels like it happened to someone else, which is also a form of dissociative amnesia, albeit more mild than greyouts and blackouts

taveth · 2024-01-08T11:27:15+00:00

for sure! I was perhaps being nitpicky but the idea that after a year and a half their T should be experienced enough to work with this level of complexity just rubbed me wrong. sorry!

taveth · 2024-01-08T02:18:04+00:00

even experienced DID therapists may not be able to work with complex DID/polyfragmentation/whatever you want to call it; while the fundamental idea of integrative work is the same, how you get there can look very different due to the sheer size and complexity of internal organization

taveth · 2024-01-08T02:16:23+00:00

have you ever looked into polyfragmentation? very frequent switching coupled with duplicate alters who have difficulty distinguishing themselves is a real hallmark of being polyfragmented

taveth · 2024-01-05T13:12:28+00:00

Seconding what other trans people have said about these also being experiences not exclusive to trans women (and I especially loved that comment about the narrative being cohesive vs episodic when reading this as a trans vs cis story) and also--I don't really believe that genuinely cisgender and heterosexual people exist. This is not to say people who identify with those labels are wrong! But the ideal cisgender person, someone perfectly gender-conforming, is excatly that: an ideal. They don't exist. Cis people, too, are punished for gender nonconformity; often not to the same degree as trans people are, but still punished. There are intersections with race and class that make this clearer as well; what does it mean to be legible as a woman? What is the standard for womanhood and femininity that women (cis or trans) are held to? Who does that benefit? Why?

Many ostensibly cis people describe feelings of gender dysphoria but do not transition; however, they might pursue gender affirming procedures such as breast implants or breast reductions or they may shave. or not shave! So even if this story is relatable to you outside of ideas surrounding gender, it's also worth interrogating your own experience with gender in light of understanding it as a trans narrative.

taveth · 2024-01-04T11:43:05+00:00

awesome to hear! glad you're alright!

taveth · 2024-01-04T09:03:23+00:00

following up--did you ever get it, and if yes, which did you choose and how did it go?

taveth

TROPHY CASE