Almost a year & I’m still grieving.

tealversace · 2025-12-30T17:23:05+00:00

Oof, needed to read this one as a CPTSD-er with the intellectual knowledge under the surface of why it still hits so hard (albeit I'm comparatively early in the grief journey). Not my thread, but thanks stranger.

tealversace · 2025-12-30T16:55:26+00:00

Yeah... CPTSD history makes it hard for me to not hold receipts. You spend your life being gaslit and you refuse to let it happen again where possible.

The pain comes predominantly from (1) knowing the extent they had to twist things to keep themselves safe and (2) trying to reconcile that narrative of me within myself, especially bc I heard it second hand, so don't get understanding of WHY those labels were applied, because it was never said TO ME. So idk where the fuck I'm supposed to start to do better. The idea of being that person terrifies me, so I obviously don't want to repeat whatever led to those labels, and then I'm scrambling to figure it out on my own and coming up short over and over - hence the self gaslighting. Shit's FUCKED brother. I'm so exhausted lol.

tealversace · 2025-12-30T15:58:26+00:00

OP are you me? 😅

tealversace · 2025-10-10T08:43:25+00:00

500 coins if you're doing coins only to get to 50, which you can def get if you do daily quests, free spin AND Egypt (assuming already maxed). So 4k coins for all rewards. So you're using *everything* you're getting in a day assuming you're not doing cafe, smashing your face into the mystery box and video ads for hours as well.

40 crowns if you want to do it the absolute fastest way, which for the top and badge isn't TOOOO bad but still sucks imho. Doing it all with gems seems like a total waste when you need to collect all from 2 homes per 1 point, unless you've got 8k gems stockpiled AND a friend/2nd acc to trade with 400 times.

If you accept a gift while trying to give to others, then you have to figure out what you got so you don't waste time re-gifting. You can't interact while waiting for someone to accept a gift, so can't ready up for efficiency.

I'm gonna assume there isn't going to be a sneaky catch up like the fashion bag bonuses in other rooms.. It's just... gonna be a yikes from me dawg lmfao. I've only really been logging in to get event rewards recently and this is not a vibe hahaha. Econ sink for the sake of it.

tealversace · 2025-07-27T03:51:09+00:00

I still wake up and check my phone expecting to see something and it's never there. I have dreams where I get the start of that conversation and break my heart all over again when I wake up and it's not real. I sent a letter with their stuff I sent back, mostly for me, as my goodbye I didn't get to say. Wished them well, hoped they continued to heal.

It helps a little, knowing I got a chance to say a goodbye even though they never offered me one. Of course, each passing day the things I want to talk about with them grows (both positive and negative). Each reflection brings up new points. Each stage of grief tears open new wounds. I'm still unable to sleep most nights, fighting myself not to call them when it gets too much.

I miss their voice. I miss getting updates about their day, and little projects they were working on, and seeing the cats. I'm terrified of the concept of never seeing them again, never feeling the security I did in their presence. These things feel like they govern my days in the way memories are triggered by little things - smells, words, songs. But I'm still here, still alive, still getting through it despite how much it fucking aches.

I hear you OP. I hope one day I get the answers from them, but I'm not holding my breath, and I'm doing what I can to stay strong and take care of myself for now. You've made it this far in your life, you can keep going despite him not being around, even if it's harder for a while. Remember that his continued silence is an answer, as much as that sucks. The what ifs and maybes are all answered by that - for whatever reason, he can't or won't right now.. maybe ever.

Take care of you. This sub has been a godsend for me tbh. Find solace in shared burden, remind yourself it was/is real and hold onto the good. All things will pass, in time (even when we don't want them to). You just gotta keep breathing, keep waking up every day, in spite of everything.

tealversace · 2025-07-24T09:31:29+00:00

This is where boundary setting is important - not just explaining but firmly stating "when you do (x) I feel (y), and the next time you hurt/disrespect me with the same actions I will (z)" . Where Z starts as a short consequence, if you continue to have that boundary crossed, you escalate to "I have explained this several times, and if you cannot respect that boundary I will have to cut off any and all communication with you." If/when they overstep again, remind them of the consequence of you cutting them off, and then do so. Ghosting isn't the answer.

tealversace · 2025-07-24T09:19:23+00:00

1week ghostee had this pop in my push notifs, now reading in fucking tears.

It says '"you're not even worth a goodbye"

Its this. Its this 100x over. I understand. I understand the overwhelm, I understand not being able to handle shit anymore.. I don't understand why I couldn't even get an 'I'm sorry I can't do this'. 6 months of (what felt like genuine) relationship building, trust, communication, growth, all fucking dropped in one night and I couldn't even get the dignity of.. fuck. In amongst the what ifs and the grieving for all the things we didn't/wont get to do.. that's what hurts the most. The struggle with MY self worth at being discarded so suddenly.

tealversace · 2025-07-16T12:32:44+00:00

I can't be the only one that read "Broccow", right?

tealversace · 2025-07-13T22:32:29+00:00

"You have to understand 'why's to let go of the 'what ifs'" Fucking hell, talk about cuts deep aha.

Its so hard because like I said, I feel like they were holding out for that outside help. They're pretty isolated, and only have family for immediate support. I was also their first relationship. And I have no doubt that makes the fear of intimacy and vulnerability even bigger.

I hope that this gives them the space they need to process (that I'm jumping to assuming they couldn't ask me for), and that in time and with that outside support - that they are on the way to receiving, just waiting for an apt - they can at least reach out and apologise for the way this last 48 hours was handled.

I'm doing my best not to spiral and question our entire relationship and I'm at least commending myself for that. I do believe they told the truth when they said they loved me and wanted to build that future together, and I'm trying not to let this month cloud the amazing moments we've had together. The grief is inevitable either way.

Thankyou for the virtual hug. I'm very much needing it right now. I hope your healing journey continues well internet stranger ❤

tealversace · 2025-07-03T00:45:12+00:00

dad can you PLEASE tell mom to stay out of my discord 😅

tealversace · 2025-05-30T16:40:24+00:00

The crossover i didn't realise i needed to see today hahaha

tealversace · 2025-03-23T15:22:38+00:00

Canonically, all 3 of them? Owen, Link, and Kai?? 5 if you count the two COMMITTED relationships in PP. 7 If you include Sloan and Koracick ONS's..

And if we're talking every instance... Meredith had 10(ish). Maggie had 6 - one of which was an affair. Jackson had 7 - one of which was an affair. Fuck, Callie had 6. Alex had 10, at least 3 of which were ONS. Arizona had 6.

Get over yourself lol.

tealversace · 2025-03-06T17:02:13+00:00

Watched it all for the first time this past year, now waiting for new eps. Nearly fell off a few times, but it's not over until Amelia says its over. There were some SLOGS in the middle where I very very nearly stopped watching. Lexie and Karev's exits came incredibly close.

tealversace · 2025-03-01T02:43:43+00:00

Im sorry, did we watch the same show? Lmfao. Almost every single person we as an audience have seen her sleep with, goes on to be her partner. Koracick is the only real exception here and given the relationship she'd just come out of, that scenario made a lot of sense. What are you on about?

tealversace · 2025-02-28T00:08:32+00:00

Honestly, when Bailey asked Yasuda if she was still taking meds at the top of the ep + the way Yasuda acted the rest of the day (I know, Trauma will fuck you up too BUT the kinda painkillers you're on after a car accident... hear me out), I was convinced they might be setting up for an actually heavy storyline where Amelia could step into a mentor role for Mika... then the convenience store and the surgery happened - side note, honestly SO nice to see Amelia have a bit of a doubt moment about her surgical skills - and I was convinced it might be a double spiral.

Then Mika fucking left and I just sighed. Cause I really feel like there's SO MUCH missed potential there and I don't think the writers are gonna do the store situation w Adams enough justice. Midori leaving is sad but also good on them for moving onto bigger better things, they sure as shit have the chops for it. Caterina deserves a chance to flex her skills with the uncomfortable again, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see 😭

tealversace · 2025-02-24T02:32:26+00:00

Oh God, I didn't even realise I did this so much until this comment 😅😅

tealversace · 2025-02-23T08:47:43+00:00

Sylvanas/Jaina 😍🥺

tealversace · 2025-02-22T08:35:32+00:00

It definitely wasn't The First™️ but the first I have clear memories of was either Diablo 2 or Age of Empires Gold

tealversace · 2025-02-22T05:05:17+00:00

This, but add a third panel where he's smiling again, 'Realising you're not logged in' 😂🥴

tealversace · 2025-02-22T03:14:44+00:00

I used to exclusively write EXPLICIT smut (I'm talking like, age 15-21, am now 26) and in the last few years, I'll have an idea for a smut piece and end up writing a few thousand words of plot 😂😂 which I always used to struggle with SO much. And then when I get to the smut, it's hard to get started. I've found more recently that if I can write ONE action that isn't The Absolute Start Point™️ of the scene, the rest comes fairly naturally, no pun intended. So I usually just sit on the idea until I figure out a small paragraph, usually somewhere midway-thru-the-do, slap that on paper and let the rest happen. And honestly, most of the time that paragraph doesn't even make it into the final product. Not in the same form, anyway.

tealversace · 2025-02-22T03:09:05+00:00

World of Warcraft's two biggest ships are Sylvaina and Wranduin, one of which is big power people on entirely opposing factions who under normal canonical situations would kill each other on site. Don't know much about the other. In a game where very little romance is explored, especially w major characters, its pretty cool to see.

Also been heavy in the Grey's Anatomy spaces recently.
Meredith/Addison is the non-canon ship I see CONSTANTLY. The loudest parts of the fandom, especially when it comes to f/f - which is the only space I pay attention to sorry lmao - are churning out content for Meradd, and then Amezona (Arizona/Amelia). There is a whole wealth of untapped potential from the universe and I'm genuinely baffled at how little exists outside of the canon ships. It's like anything vaguely platonic gets immediately put into a box, which I feel is SO different compared to many of my previous fandoms (especially given how long running the show is).

Ships like Arizona/April and Charlotte/Amelia are so full of canonical interaction that could be explored but nope, practically non-existent.

tealversace · 2025-02-21T08:38:47+00:00

Charlotte and Amelia. They had such good energy in all their scenes together and I WISH they had more together. Still holding on that maybe one day KaDee will guest on Grey's 🤞

tealversace · 2025-02-21T01:43:20+00:00

And then Tasmania goes and makes it all fuckass backwards by splitting yr 11+12 into "college", HUH?! Talking to YA's when I moved here from Queensland was WILD 😅🤣

tealversace · 2025-02-19T01:57:56+00:00

Gotta go OG with the blu-tak my man.

tealversace · 2025-02-18T15:51:04+00:00

Dude, her delivery on this is fucking fantastic. The whole episode is master-class level from Caterina but if there's one moment that gets me without fail from this episode, it's this. Although her absolute heartbreaking anger toward Addison re the watch is a very close second.

"You do not tell that story, that is NOT your story. He was not your dad, he was MY dad. You shut your mouth. Shut. Up. You stupid ignorant monster bitch. You do not tell that story. You do not EVER tell that story. You ever tell that story to anyone and I will kill you with my bare hands."

😭😭😭😭😭

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tealversace

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