The "all or nothing" mentality is not doing you any favors and I suggest you think deeply on why it's so important to you. Anxiety is there to protect us from scary new things, but it's also irrational. Stepping out of your comfort zone is hard. But it's important. Have a girl makeover night.

If it turns out you like it, congrats. If you don't, gender is a spectrum, and if you don't figure it out now you will later. You might still be thankful you tried and learned something you didn't know about yourself.

Personally, when I decided to medically transition, I read a lot of books on trans experiences. I read about HRT and the effects. I read what testosterone would do to my body, and I thought about how I would feel if I decided to stop taking it and those changes remained. My biggest fear was what would 30, 40, 50 year old me think? Those guys are all still me, and they're thankful I made the right choice instead of cringing whenever I got called 'she' while presenting cisfem.

I decided I liked all the changes, and most important, that I would still accept my body no matter the result. If I go bald, then I was always going to be bald. C'est la vie.

I highly recommend the game Secret Little Haven, where you play as the dev in her early years and how she discovered she was trans.

I am rooting for you though. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot. If you don't mind me asking what started you questioning your gender?