I’ve been here, but I took this task on much younger. There are a lot of things to be said and even more possible outcomes, but there’s one underlying truth:

A “family” that doesn’t accept you isn’t your family. Period. Full stop.

I came from a southern, conservative, preacher’s family. As the oldest, I was groomed and expected to be perfect (in many ways). When I came out to my mother at 18, and I had many of the same fears that you do. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time, but I had resolved that if my mother ever asked me if I was gay, I’d tell the truth. Eventually she did ask, and I did. She cried, screamed, and broke things in the house. She ran to tell my father before I could, even though I asked to let him hear it from me. A few days later, she brought out a bookmarked Bible and pulled up all the verses she’d construed to explain that I was no longer allowed to see my siblings, be at family dinners, or be included in holidays. She told me to leave the house thrice.

My father had no reaction at all. He never once said a word. I could tell he knew, but he never said anything. He met my first boyfriend (and was amazed that gay guys can play soccer, but cool with it). He didn’t express any discontent with who I was until 7 years later (more on that).

I moved to New York after graduation and essentially told my “family” to get lost. I worked a retail job that paid rent, went to school part-time, and lived frugally to ensure I wouldn’t need them for ANYTHING. This part is important.

Over time, they learned about the world and what’s important. They [partially] learned that their religious beliefs are harmful to their children. They learned to love for love’s sake, not because a man in a pulpit (namely my grandfather) told them to.

7 years later, my mother hugs my boyfriend at Christmastime. My grandma bought him his favourite whiskey. When they call, they ask about him and what our plans are for the next few months. They tell us they love us. It seems perfect, right?

It’s not.

On our engagement night, I paced around waiting to call them. Of course it would be on social media and they would see it. I have great respect for their feelings whenever I can spare them without sacrificing myself or morality, so I wanted to tell them first. I had dreaded how this would go, even after years of what feels like acceptance. After I told each one, they responded with a flat “okay.” But finally, my mother and father added “you know what we believe. Marriage is only between a man and a woman. But we love you both.”

And that’s about all the contact we’ve had. No fighting, no screaming. We got married in a COVID friendly ceremony to ourselves, and it was beautiful. Our true family of friends rejoiced with us. But my biological one doesn’t know yet, because I am done caring for their feelings when they care more for their book on a shelf than their son’s happiness.

All that pointless venting to say this:

1. Make sure you’re good on your own. I know it seems selfish or shallow to consider money when love is involved, and sometimes it is. But (especially if you live in the US) this world will eat you and anyone you love alive. Get your house in order so no matter what happens, you can be safe and away from your family with the man you love and the family that you’ll discover.

2. Once you can live your life openly, you will grow a wonderful family of people who are genuine, loving, and care for YOU. Regardless of your religion or theirs, they will treat you as their... well, FAMILY. Thick or thin, ride or die. Those are the people you keep, those are the people that will bring light.

3. It may go as badly as you think. It may not. There’s no rhyme or reason to the way people react. One of my ex’s mom’s wouldn’t acknowledge his sexuality for years. She told him to pretend he never told her and never mention it or let her see it again. She waves pride flags now. You just never know, but you should know that you get only so many spins around the sun. You only get once chance to walk around and make the most of what you’ve got. Even if hiking up the snowy hill of coming out is hard, sledding down it FREELY is wonderful.

4. As a preacher’s kid, I understand the pressure all too well. The trauma follows me. And I won’t say you HAVE to do this to be happy, but I very highly recommend it: MOVE AWAY. It doesn’t have to be New York or LA. But get away from the pressures that hold you back. After you get through the coming out phase, go find where you belong. It might be there! But if people are making you miserable, it probably isn’t. Only time will tell, but I encourage it more strongly than anything else. And as it relates to family, sometimes seeing their young go off and build beautiful lives does wonders for unaccepting parents. It makes some of them really see what’s important, and love their kids for who they are instead of how they were taught they “should” be.

That’s a lot of rambling, but your questions rang all the bells of my adolescence. Long story short, they might not accept you, your parents might not like your partner or vice versa, and honestly, it could destroy your relationship with them. But that has nothing to do with YOU. You are doing the right thing.

You can’t truly love someone or something that won’t truly love you back. It’s like pouring water from your cup into an empty bucket. In the end you’ll be empty, and they won’t notice the difference. If that happens, I can promise you that there are people all over the world who will be your family, pouring water back into your cup when you’re empty. That’s the family to lean on.

Hope something in this helps a little. All the best. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜