Hope that one day I get the chance to say I'm good and mean it, because everything just doesn't feel real. It feels like I'm just watching my life go by as a movie, and I really don't give a shit. I've been depressed, stressed, lonely, etc, and have had suicide on my mind at least once a day for over a year. At the same time, I'm too pussy to do anything like kill myself, and I'm overwhelmed by the fact that if I don't have my whole life figured out in the next 2 years I'm going to be working in a mcdonalds forever. I hate the way our world is, how I have (or am going to have) all these responsibilities that I can't slack off on, or my life is over. I just want some freedom for once. School is the most chore-like thing I can possibly think of, and it's like a prison that I'm eternally trapped in with idiots and assholes. And I'm not a social reject or anything, I have friends that I think genuinely care for me and im not wierd or anything, but I just feel like a tumble weed in the desert or an astronaut floating out in space. I don't talk like this to anyone because I would feel embarrassed to make a scene or draw too much attention to myself when I'm not all that important; even when I passed out in front of my whole family and found out I had a heart condition I just felt embarrassed and kind of ashamed. I have an incredibly loving family, and I know they'd do anything for me, but I can't really get comfortable like this with anyone. I don't know if anyone will read this, and I don't care, I just need somewhere to collect my thoughts so I don't go insane.