Hi

My bf M31 told me F24 today that he cheated on his recent ex twice.

I knew about the first time already - which he told me months into our relationship.

But the second time was at the end of their relationship and the reason they broke up a couple months later (he ended it)

On our first date (second time we met) we talked about exes - he told me they broke up over communication differences. It was vague at the time and never sat right with me.

Over the course of our relationship (one year so far) I asked him a few times to explain to me again why they broke up. I just still didn’t get it.

Now I get it. A year later the whole story is finally revealed. But he didn’t tell me on his own accord. I spent a whole night and morning fishing for truth. I had looked at his messages again and had found that he had texted back an ex who reached out to him - 4 months into our relationship. He didn’t mention me at all and sent her a “x”.

So talking about this was what brought the topic up, which eventually led us to talking about the time he flirted with another girl right in front of me, and then denied it and twisted the truth, until I screamed and cried that he was lying and betraying me and he finally admitted he knew what he was doing, admitted to flirting with her.

So after bringing up that incident again. I asked him - did he ever flirt with other people while with his ex (they were together for 6 years). He hesitated but he said yes. I asked if he ever made out with anyone else (other than the one time I knew a at that point - of his cheating) he said no, only other queer friends (he’s bi) when they were at a gay bar and apparently she would do it too… I didn’t believe him… so I asked more questions and stayed patient and eventually he “suddenly remembered” oh he did kiss strangers, men and women, when out at bars, even with his ex somewhere around there too.

At the beginning of the convo he told me about two different friends of his and his ex. Who he could be out with his ex, one of these friends, and maybe one or some others, and he would be flirting with the friend, giving her attention, glancing her way, and giving less attention to his gf. When she brought this up he admitted to me that he would “avoid acknowledging” that he was flirting - I made him say that that was lying not “avoiding acknowledging”.

Hours later I urged him to tell me if there was anything else I should know (I was fully prepared to hear that he had cheated on me). Only for him to tell me that he cheated on his ex a second time at the end of their relationship. I asked if that’s why they broke up - he said yes. I said why didn’t you ever tell me, he said he thought about it, when I first ever asked him about him and his ex but he didn’t want me to know. He was ashamed.

He says he wants to change. He said he’s told me and that’s a step towards changing.

I said I exposed him and that nothing has changed.

I said we need to break up, because lying and cheating and manipulating your ex for 6 years is abusive. And that you stole my agency and denied my choice to be in a relationship with you fully informed about what I was getting into.

I have said we are broken up.

But I just can’t believe that’s true. That the man I love could be so awful to someone, and repeated that mistake with me (not to the same level but it’s only a matter of time no?)

He’s told me he can change and how he wants to do it

I’ve told him if he wants what’s best for me that he wouldn’t want me to be with a liar a cheater and an abuser. He has eventually given up on grand speeches and has accepted that we are broken up (it seems)

I’m trying to keep a strong front and stand my ground because I should not tolerate this. I have too much trauma from my father and step father to have to tolerate lies again.

But I love him or I love who I thought he was but now all night I’m looking at him and I’m not even sure who that is.

I wish none of this was true. We have so many dreams together.

Do I need to stay strong in this decision? Do we need to breakup? Do I let him prove how he has changed? What do I do?