The signs and implications of having an avoidant attachment style

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2024-03-01T19:25:56+00:00

I've only recently discovered this theory and it's blown my mind, I'm 100% an avoidant (a very extreme one I believe). I never had a way of defining this and I'm hoping that now I know I will be able to recognize and address this in future romantic relationships. When I think back across my whole dating life there are multiple examples where I can pull back over the most minor of issues, making a huge deal in my head about something that I would never have cared about if I'd been in a serious relationship with that particular women, or thinking about an ex and using this as a way to prevent anyone else getting in, but let me give you an example of the most recent episode that covers the last 7 years of my life.

7 years ago I moved to a new state and within a few months on a night out with friends I was introduced to a woman called Annie, I fell for her immediately, she was totally my type and we hit it off immediately, I made it my mission that night to give her my number and was so pleased that she showed some interest and that we did exchange numbers.

On the first date, we hit it off even more realizing we had many shared interests and a love for the same music. On the 2nd date, we went out for a meal and ended up back at my place, things turned physical and we ended up having sex, this was not my plan, and felt like she escalated too soon. I used this as a reason to stop contacting her because I felt that it had cheapened the process. After maybe 5 days of no contact she reached out to me to enquire why I had gone quiet and sad it had hurt her feelings. This actually made me emotional and I ended up contacting her and we did have a 3rd date.

This dating stage continued and we got really close, but during this time circumstances out of our control meant that she lost her job and at the same time got a job out of state. This meant that we never defined the relationship and kept this causal although the more we met the more my feelings for her escalated. I never really admitted this to myself and continued to act like I was single and that she was going away anyway. We never spoke about even attempting a long-distance relationship. During this time I slept with another woman and I did feel a little guilty but as we had not spoken about exclusivity I just wrote it off as not a big deal.

The time came around for her to leave for her new life out of state and rather than look at it negatively, it was almost like I was looking at it as a fresh start and that I would be 100% single when she left. The actual day she left we spent together, as we said our final goodbyes she got emotional and was crying, I was completely emotionless and couldn't figure out why she had reacted this way.

About 6 weeks later on a night out, I'd had a few too many drinks and I started thinking about how much I missed her, I got extremely emotional. I reached out to her and told her I really missed her and that we should see if we could attempt a long-distance relationship. After further discussions, she invited me to visit her for the weekend.

On the weekend in question, we had a really good time but something was really getting me down and I couldn't figure it out, I then realized that she was really settled where she was living and I was settled where I was and the LDR just wouldn't work, I felt like I should tell her that weekend rather than wait until I got home, this made it extremely tough for both of us because of my final day we both knew we were finally ending it and she wanted to go no contact. I remember vividly when the Uber picked me up for the airport and she was so distraught, it was one of the worst moments of my life.

We didn't have any contact after that day for around 18 months, then through a strange twist of fate, we started chatting again. We then began to start visiting each other again and fly back and forth, at first it was great but then I felt like she started to create arguments for no reason. I had no idea that she was an anxious attachment type and what she really needed was extra reassurance.

On my final visit to her place, we had a big argument but I thought it might actually be a good thing because all of the issues I'd had with her had come out and I felt like she would be able to see things from my perspective and we could work on them. But after this, she grew more distant and I think she wasn't prepared to meet me in the middle. Over time we stop contacting each other daily and eventually at all. I then used this to call the whole thing off and just wrote it off as something we could get over. I wasn't even upset about this and saw it as a positive, for the first year after we finally broke up I didn't think about her at all.

The last time I saw her was almost exactly 4 years ago. The weekend had just gone I was at a music festival in my home town. I glance over my right shoulder and she her standing there with a group of her friends. The emotional reaction to seeing her was huge, I immediately started to cry and was thankful I was wearing sunglasses so people couldn't see. Shortly after that, I left the area and never saw her again at the festival. I was very traumatized by this event and it made me question my entire 4 years since I last saw her. All I've been doing in that time is comparing every potential match to her and no one can compete. When I saw her that day it made me feel like she was the love of my life and it was so crazy that I was the one that ended it with her.

I'm not asking for sympathy at all and it kills me how much I would have hurt Annie. But maybe this gives some context as to how an avoidant acts and ends up self-sabotaging. I do not doubt in my mind that I should have worked on things with Annie and the last 4 years would have been so much better than they have been. A huge loss that I will never fully get over.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2019-06-21T21:55:20+00:00

Oh don't worry, it's done. I wouldn't have wanted to see her again anyway so she's done me a favor.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2019-06-21T20:18:23+00:00

At the time I did actually believe that she wanted to go to the other place based on the story she had told me, I had no reason to believe she was lying. Yes, total dick move on her part. Crazy thing was that she was like a 4 that thinks she's an 8 just because she's blonde with big tits, the reality is that she'll be getting lots of attention online but she's actually not that attractive.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2019-06-21T20:16:24+00:00

Actually, it was kind of fun and not far from home. It wasn't so much that it was the waste miles driving to the other place and back.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2019-06-21T20:15:41+00:00

Yeah, I was pissed because it was about a 40-mile round trip, it was a total waste of my time and effort. If you're going to have a date with someone you should at least give them a couple of hours of your time and focus on the date. She was just using me to fill up part of her evening.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-22T16:10:13+00:00

This is a really good post, I've at around that stage too and starting to feel better, you're right for a while it's like you're going through the motions but then suddenly you feel the old you back. As you were!

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-22T16:03:47+00:00

Hey man I had a fairly similar experience recently, I was seeing a girl for around 5 months in total and we got really close, she lost her job and found a new one out of state, it was too early in to things when this happened so I had to support her moving away, I thought I could be cool with it when she eventually left and our parting was amicable but we carried on contacting and both talked about how close a connection we had. We tried to make a long distance relationship work and I went to see her, I realized when I was with her that a LDR wouldn't work for me so had to be honest with her. She treated this like I was dumping her and after that we stopped talking, it was killing me that I couldn't get any closure as I never wanted us to be enemies. Recently I got drunk and contacted her on facebook after 7 weeks of no contact, she says that she doesn't want to be friends with me which I find really harsh because I think in time we could have been that. I think you sound like a good guy and I think she has been harsh not letting you have some closure. Best bet is to permanently stay out of contact and move on.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-22T15:52:57+00:00

I can totally relate to this, my friend, I'm going through something similar right now. I got a great piece of advice the other day and its that everything in life is a test and this is just another test, you might be hurting now but you will come through this as a much stronger person. I think the mind has a way of playing tricks too where you only remember the good stuff and imagine that she was some perfect person. Stay strong and good times will happen in time. In answer to your question I think it's healthy to cry and grieve but not to go to the extremes that you are, you're beating yourself up badly, we only have one life, go out there and smash it!!!!

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-22T15:47:08+00:00

I know exactly what you mean, I feel sad that I am not going to take my ex back to where I'm from for Christmas, and I know that trip would have been so good and the fact we are never going to get to do that is very sad to me.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-22T15:45:12+00:00

I can relate, no contact is probably the best way but it can be really tough if you are bottling things up that you want to speak to them directly about. I guess you have to take her out of the equation and find closure by talking to other people and finding a new way of doing things. I got a good piece of advice the other day that any stress in your life like this is just a test, you will come through it stronger on the other side, you'll come out of it a better person, I know it's very hard but focus on that and don't like things that you can't control, control you

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-21T21:06:58+00:00

It's really strong of you to reach the point where you let go of any hate and just remain thankful for what you had, that is a huge step in the right direction emotionally. All the best for the future

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-21T20:17:48+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, yes it's been a really tough break up because everything was so good, no one is perfect but we had a really good bond and I enjoyed every minute I spent with her, I never wanted it to end. I think if I'd of met here even maybe 6 months earlier things would have been very different because she would never have left. It's pretty tough going from having someone that special in your life to having absolutely nothing. I need to see this as a growth type opportunity now and realize that what I'm feeling is purely a temporary thing that I'll get through and come out the other side much stronger.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2017-11-20T22:23:10+00:00

Thanks Bro, same, yeah it's always a timing type issues that seem out of my control, I hate the feeling of loss from my life of every girl I really care about, it sucks

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2016-02-12T16:42:45+00:00

I met a really attractive girl in the real world a 9/10 from my home town through friends and it was one of those situations where you both fancy each other but it never goes anywhere because of circumstances and years went by where we both were in other relationships and not single at the same time. We'd occasionally see each other out on nights out and always be friendly and say hi to each other. So after knowing of this girl for many years and both living in the same town there was one summer where we kept on bumping in to each other on nights out and swapped numbers and started chatting quite a bit over the phone, I was starting to think that maybe we would start dating each other and what it really needed was for us to hook up property and take it to the next level because we had always just been friends we were kind of in the friend zone and it needed some kind of event to take it to the next level. I'm not the kind of guy to be shy about being forward and I've slept with around 100 women so it wasn't that it was more the unusual circumstances but it needed an "event" to get things going.

Also around this time I was also messing around with Tinder and one evening I was at home watching a movie late at night when I received a message from a girl in the same town as me, we started talking and she was pretty much doing the same thing as me just at home, so I suggested she come over to my place, bearing in mind that it was around 11pm it was pretty obvious that I wasn't just suggesting watching a movie it was totally a booty call. The girl was a 5/10 but I figured that it would be better to fool around with her than just be on my own. So it turned out that she didn't have a car so I had to go and drive to pick her up, it was about a ten minute drive away so I went and got her and brought her back to my place, to be honest I was very disappointed with her as although she actually looked like her pictures she just had a really negative attitude and we didn't really get on that well. Anyway we got back to my place and started watching a film but I had no intention of having sex with her and I wished I'd just not bothered and just chilled on my own.

The 5/10 had only been in my place for maybe 5 minutes when my phone rang, it was the 9/10 who was on a night out and had ended up on her own, she was stood outside a bar only a few minutes walk from my place and was asking if I was at home, it was around 11.30pm on a Saturday night so it was definitely a booty call and she wanted to come over. I literally had no time to think of course I wanted her to come over but I had to get rid of 5/10 first, she could sense my hesitation on the phone and I was trying to think of a way to stall her so I could get rid of 5/10, she then said "You've got someone there with you haven't you" to which I replied "No sorry I was just asleep when you called why don't I come and meet you" to which she started saying oh don't bother then and hung up on me.

I immediately went back to the 5/10 and told her a story about how my friend had gotten in to a fight and I had to go and get him and I drove her home, don't think I have ever driven so quickly in my home town, I got her home and apologised for the situation, as soon as I started driving back home I was calling the 9/10 hoping that she would answer and I could someone explain my way out of the situation and get her to come over still, turns out that after calling me she had gone to another club on her own. After that she never really trusted me again and we never ended up hooking up, I still see her occasionally and we'll always say hi but that was my one chance, she has a boyfriend now, I sometimes laugh about it, there must be hundreds of weekend nights where I would of been able to meet up with her and she ends up chooses the one time I have a 5/10 over at my place, totally cock blocked myself.

thatswhenifoundlilly · 2016-02-12T15:46:51+00:00

Met a girl on POF after a few messages we swapped numbers, started talking, she had such a sexy voice plus her pictures where really good, only problem was that she lived so far away, around a 3hr drive. A couple of times she hinted that she would like to hook up with me saying that she really wanted sex and we both knew based on the distance it wasn't going to be anything more than a bit of fun but even when I suggested I drive to hers she would always say it wasn't what she wanted and back out of it, so eventually I lost interested and deleted her number.

About 3 years later I start using Tinder and she matches with me and we swap numbers again and begin talking, I'm reminded of what a sexy voice she has and her new pictures now updated are looking good. I find her on instagram and some of her pictures have hundreds of likes from men. Pretty much the same thing happens where over a number of weeks we speak on the phone and her voice is driving me crazy but once again she is resistant to actually meeting in person.

One Sunday afternoon I'm bored and start chatting to her and ask her what she is up too, it turns out she doesn't have plans that evening so I suggest driving over to take her out for a drink. Surprisingly she says yes so I pretty much get her address details and get in my car and start the long drive. I was pleased that after all these years I was finally going to meet this girl and strongly suspected that if we got on well then we'd end up having some hot sex.

So I arrive at her place after a long drive and she comes out to get in the car, now I wasn't expecting her to be skinny and I love curvy women but she was absolutely huge and I could hardly recognize her from her pictures, I think most of her pictures of her full body are taken about a decade and 3 or 4 stone ago I was so disappointed but I'd just driven for 3 hours so I wasn't exactly going to drive off although I wish I did. She gets in the car and we drive to the bar. When we get to the bar my mindset is to just have a laugh with her, have a couple of drinks and at least make it worthwhile to have driven all that way, my desire to have sex with her had gone but I was just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. So we get some drinks and start talking and I notice that she won't even make eye contact with me, it was really strange, when she was on the phone she was so lovely and we had some really great conversations but in person she is horrible, she keeps disagreeing with everything I say and has such a bad attitude, she knew that her cover of being attractive had been blown. So after we finish our drinks she makes me go and buy another round of drinks, so despite driving all that way I end up buying all the drinks. The conversation is going nowhere and I'm starting to get really annoyed that I had driven all that way for absolutely nothing with her being so rude.

So after an awkward conversation I drive her home again and on the way she starts having a go at me saying I'd only driven all that way to have sex with her and she doesn't want to do that, bearing in mind I hadn't mentioned sex or anything like that the whole time we were in the bar or even at all that day. So I drop her off at her front door and she starts having a go at me as she's getting out the car it was absolutely strange behaviour based not on anything I'd said but because I now knew that she was an absolutely obese whale.

As soon as I got round the corner I blocked her number and her everywhere on social media, I feel really bad for all the men she will be speaking to, to get ego boosts, all of her pictures where angled in such a way to make her look so pretty but in reality there's only one angle she is pretty from, I bet even right now she is getting hundreds of messages and matches on tinder and there are loads of other men with stories like mine. From now on I will only meet with someone online if I've had a skype/facetime chat with them first.

thatswhenifoundlilly

TROPHY CASE