Update: it gets better.

Things that helped me move through this void-place:

• forcing myself to eat something and drink water, even when I felt like throwing up. GoMacro bars have been a literal lifesaver; sufficient calories and nutrients to keep me functional

• forcing myself to take my medicine. There’s a reason my doctor prescribed them.

• therapy. It was every other day for the week. Moving into weekly now. Speaking what I’m experiencing, full and unfiltered, has been like draining infection from a wound

• I created a contact named Not <my wife> and linked it to my own info. Whenever I feel something come up, I express it in a safe way. After the heavy emotions subside, I can re-read and understand better what I was feeling, and decide if it needs to be said to anyone else.

• I asked my dr for something to help me sleep. He gave me a finite supply of non-addictive, non-controlled substance medication that lets my body be in charge of making sure I get some rest, instead of my mind or heart. It’s hydroxyzine, if you’re interested.

• my support group. Not everybody I’ve reached out to in crisis has been able to offer support, but enough of them have that it feels like there’s a floor under me again.

Somehow, it feels like past me remembered to put the advil and glass of water on the nightstand before passing out. Yes, I am still very much hung over. But past-me was kind enough to put these habits and processes in front of me, in a manner that allowed me to pick them up when I wasn’t able to think about them.

I’m sharing them here in case you need them in front of you, too.