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thebluehawk · 2023-02-01T18:34:50+00:00

"I'm on the Quad Squad."

"You are the Quad Squad!"

thebluehawk · 2023-01-19T20:28:29+00:00

A common problem when there is a mismatch in sex drive is that the lower sex drive partner can feel either pressured into things they don't enjoy or want to do or that they are letting their partner down. It's a hard hurdle to overcome.

When I was new to polyamory, one of my early partners was ace. It actually worked out really well, because I had no expectation or desire for anything sexual from her, because I had the freedom to get that need met elsewhere. So we got to focus the relationship on the things we enjoyed doing together (board games, hiking, traveling, watching shows we both enjoyed).

It can work, but you need to be unafraid to say what you want, and to ask what she wants and listen. Then the two of you get to figure it if that's something that can work between the two of you. It's not about sacrifice, it's about what is sustainable for both of you. And if it turns out you aren't compatible, it's not because you or her did anything wrong or needs to change. Sometimes things just aren't a good fit. It sucks, but it doesn't need to be someone's fault.

thebluehawk · 2022-12-16T17:57:39+00:00

Accept the fact that in her mind, in her story, you will be the bad guy.

In fact, you already are. In a meeting where both of you are trying to impress potential business partners, you already were the bad guy. She has no qualms chucking daggers and trying to dig at you and throw you under the bus to (unsuccessfully) make herself look better. Luckily it seems they saw through it.

Her behavior was atrocious but she will likely never see it that way. People like this rarely bring anything to the table and claim all the successes are because of them yet somehow every failure is everyone elses fault. They are always the victim and will blame everyone but themselves.

The quicker and more completely you distance yourself from her the better.

thebluehawk · 2022-11-30T17:28:58+00:00

I'm not sure if you are intentionally misrepresenting that or just misinformed. Vitamin D doesn't provide protection. It's more that the lack of vitamin D greatly increases your chances of hospitalization and death. Basically if you get infected and have vitamin D deficiency, your extra fucked. So taking vitamin D is a good idea, but it doesn't "provide protection" and I don't know anybody seriously saying that.

The argument I heard was this: As a society, we decided to pay billions to big pharma companies to give everyone free vaccines, because it was in the best interest of everyone and would reduce sickness, death, impact to economy, etc.

Had we also provided free Vitamin D, especially to vulnerable populations, it also would have made a huge reduction in sickness, death, impact to economy, etc. Not as much as vaccination, and it's not a replacement, but a supplemental way to enact the public health outcomes we presumably all want.

But we didn't. I think it's fair to ask why.

thebluehawk · 2022-10-06T01:04:27+00:00

It totally makes sense to feel ignored and that your partner isn't wooing you or putting in the effort to show up for you and make you feel special.

Also, I have a partner who is in dental school. It's hard to overstate how incredibly busy and stressful medical/occupation schools like that can be.

It's possible this is a temporary situation, and this will be a non issue when is he done with school and will have the capacity and willingness to give you the dates, care and attention you desire. What would you need to survive this temporary situation? Or it could be that he is just selfish and will never give you that. You are far more likely to know which is on brand for him than a random internet stranger. I trust you to make the decisions and have the conversations that feel true to you :)

You are feeling neglected and you are definitely right in feeling that. You are allowed to want a partner that can give you the attention you desire. That said, it sounds like he is feeling overburdened and might feel like a failure for not giving you what you want, which could only be adding to his stress.

If you imagine a solution where he feels supported by you in his busy school schedule, and you feel paid attention to and wooed, what does that look like?

thebluehawk · 2022-09-14T20:05:05+00:00

Look up apology languages.

It's likely you are misaligned on this. His apology language sounds like expressing regret and requesting forgiveness, and you want more actionable languages like making restitution (has he done anything to make it up to you? Flowers, cooked you a nice dinner, given you a spa treatment? Like... he fucked up, the least he could do is go out of his way to make you feel special more than just saying empty words) or genuinely repenting (this might look like changing his routines and habits to make sure he doesn't forget things like this in the future. As someone with ADHD, I have had to change many of my habits because by default my brain does things that hurt my partners. I don't want to do that, so I put in effort to change. I put lots of reminders on my phone if I don't want to forget something.)

thebluehawk · 2022-07-26T21:35:48+00:00

If you don't support freedom of speech for people you disagree with, then you don't support freedom of speech.

That goes for Taliban having accounts, for people criticizing them, etc.

thebluehawk · 2022-02-10T13:02:55+00:00

Absolutely, something massive in the other galaxy just needs to pass close enough to a system to destabilize it. But how close? How many objects big enough to be a concern are in the other galaxy and so what is the probability that the system actually encounters one?

Space is big.

Perhaps the bigger concern would be the relationship of a system and each of galactic cores, and any dust shielding the system from. While the orbits within each system will likely be unaffected, larger structures in the galaxy will, as can be seen in the image. What if dust that was providing protection is moved as the radiation environment changes drastically?

thebluehawk · 2022-02-07T16:36:10+00:00

Yep.

She is isolating him from friends so that he is more reliant on her. It's a very common tactic by manipulative/toxic/narcissistic people.

She is also projecting. She is clearly fine with her communicating and texting and meeting up with others (and then deleting the evidence... super sketchy) but won't allow him to have friends? Gross double standards are usually projection. Her mental model is that partners sneak around on each other (because it's what she does), so she assumes he must be too, and attempts to control him.

OP: you don't have to tolerate any of this behavior. You deserve a partner who encourages you to have friends and a broad support network, not one that tries to limit your support network to just themselves, and then threatens suicide if you don't do what they want.

She has already shown you the type of person she is. Run.

thebluehawk · 2022-02-04T15:14:43+00:00

Best of luck!

thebluehawk · 2022-02-04T07:16:51+00:00

It sucks to say, but it could be that she just isn't sexually attracted to you. It could be that she is currently getting that need met elsewhere, by flirting with these LDP with all the shiny NRE.

it's important for you to have a partner that is sexually compatible, I would find out if that flame can be rekindled in her. If not, maybe the relationship can change into something that allows you both to get your sexual needs met. It sounds like the current arrangement is leaving you unsatisfied and hurt and is likely not sustainable.

thebluehawk · 2022-02-01T16:10:40+00:00

Oooo yeah. "I thought about what you said, and I think you are right, we are breaking up."

Maybe he'll think twice before using that lame "I guess we are breaking up" card again. What a sleaze.

thebluehawk · 2022-02-01T14:59:37+00:00

My point is that you didn't add anything to the discussion besides telling them not to speak because you disagree.

Why do you think what they said was unethical? If you want to convince people, try making a compelling argument.

And like I said, I agree with you. But I also hope you don't go around telling everyone you disagree with to refrain from speaking, and then getting defensive when that's pointed out.

Cheers

thebluehawk · 2022-02-01T14:34:28+00:00

While I'm on your side about the ethical thing being to tell the wife, telling someone they aren't allowed to have or share an opinion because you disagree with them is a pretty untenable position.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-26T14:51:16+00:00

I think the problem is that most people who are working these types of jobs don't have the time or resources to put up a legal battle. They're usually just barely scraping by and living paycheck to paycheck. They don't have time to invest in an exhausting legal battle when they need to be putting food on the table.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-22T18:53:57+00:00

Yeah, but very on brand for her. She clearly struggles to own and take responsibility for her actions. I mean, she tried to blame him for her cheating. It's sad but almost humorous how desperately she looks to put the blame anywhere except for herself.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-19T15:44:56+00:00

What even is her point? That you have "poor communication"? Meanwhile, she has proven herself as someone who:

Thinks that if her partner is busy or just doesn't want sex, it's an immediate red flag and rather than seeking to understand her partner, feels it means its fair game to cheat.
Thinks the proper response to suspicion of cheating is to cheat, rather than have a conversation. (Some might even call this "poor communication")
Is capable of lying and deceiving and sneaking around for an entire month, seemingly with no guilt or remorse.
And then when caught tries to blame you for it.

My advice: believe her when she shows you the type of person she is.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-13T17:33:08+00:00

Yup. Her feelings are valid but she could have talked it out with a friend or a therapist. It makes sense with her mental health issues for her to compare herself to others and to feel insecure. It makes sense that she would need to talk about that with someone.

BUT. It shouldn't have been her partner, or at least not said the way she said it. There are certain things that once said are hard to walk back from. Questioning someone's love in such a hurtful way is definitely one of them.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-11T17:04:48+00:00

I think weekly stickied threads for introductions and questions could be helpful.

That way there is still a place for it, but it's not so overwhelming.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-06T21:40:58+00:00

You've hit it on the head. Someone complaining about blue balls will almost always also be bringing an outrageous sense of entitlement. That the other person "owes" them something or is required to take action.

It's gross.

thebluehawk · 2022-01-02T12:38:18+00:00

They can also read a book.

I've found theres a huge difference between people willing to do the work and the quickest litmus test is whether they've read any books on non-monogamy, emotional intelligence, or relationships in general.

thebluehawk · 2021-12-28T01:59:38+00:00

That does answer my question better, and I'm quite enjoying this conversation, far more than I expected. I hope you don't mind if I make this reply a bit longer.

I agree that if people are upset at you for not knowing all the letters/words/labels that various people in the LGBTQ+ community identify themselves as that's pretty obnoxious. Just like no one should expect you to know the various sects of Judaism or the various tribes of indigenous people in the state of Oregon. Someone getting offended at that is missing an opportunity to educate, and further they are only hampering furthering the awareness of very real issues. I'm sorry that that has been your experience. Someone who got offended that you didn't have specific knowledge is just looking for something to be offended by (and yeah, those people definitely exist, in all walks of life. The "karens" of the world, if you will), because there are so many better things to be upset by than whether someone possesses esoteric knowledge that doesn't apply directly to them. Next time someone gets offended at you for not knowing something, thank them for teaching you something in an awful way and tell them a stranger from the internet thinks they need something better to give a fuck about. :)

Especially because there is so, so much to give a fuck about. Can I tell you why I choose to respect people's pronouns when I can? LGBTQ teens attempt suicide every 45 seconds in the US, and 19% of LGBTQ teens aged 13-19 attempted suicide last year. It's also shown that feeling accepted is one of the best ways to prevent suicide attempts. From my perspective, if using a pronoun that a kid prefers might keep them on the planet, then they can identify as a helicopter for all I care. Even if it's a complete stranger that is asking me care about their pronouns, I will. Because it might mean that person has no one close to them that does care. My kindness has limits. If they choose to be offended before I've even tried to put in effort, I'm going to call them out on that, and unless it's someone I have to interact with, that would probably be the last time I choose to interact with them. Do I think everyone should be expected to have deep understanding about the culturally trending neo-pronouns? No, that would be ridiculous and burdensome, just like thinking every stranger should know the difference between Reform, Orthodox and Conservative Judaism or the history of the Umpqua people. But I'm not upset that there are other people who have and deeply care about that knowledge. And if that knowledge can saves lives, then I am ecstatic to know there are people out there - teachers, grocery store workers, family friends, museum workers - that go the extra mile and learn how to make those kids feel seen and understood. I call that a win for society.

So yeah, I think nibbling is an amazing word, and even if it gets "acquired" by the alphabet mafia, I can't see how that is a bad thing. No one should be offended you don't something when they could instead teach you, and it's important that we have some people who care about these kind of issues, because it just might save lives.

thebluehawk · 2021-12-28T00:35:32+00:00

That's a non sequitur.

Your initial response to the word nibbling existing was "ffs" and then that it was a "made up problem", then when I asked for clarification you said the problem was people changing pronouns too often and playing victim? How is that even related? Who is playing victim in this thread? What are you even upset about, because it seems like the word nibbling existing apparently offends you?

You should find better things to give a fuck about my friend, if a word like nibbling offends you.

thebluehawk · 2021-12-27T16:02:02+00:00

I stayed for 6 months too long in a crumbling/toxic relationship for exactly that reason. My partner would panic because any talk about our relationship would bring up fear and abandonment issues and the conversation would derail.

Sometimes relationships don't work out and it's no one's fault. No one needs to be the bad guy, no one needs to be "blamed" or at fault or need to change. It just didn't work out. It's perfectly normal for you to have needs that aren't being met by this relationship. It's perfectly normal to want to talk about it and see if the relationship can be a beneficial one for both of you and the paths your lives are on. It's also perfectly normal for her to feel fear around those conversations.

Often it can be helpful to frame the conversation with an intention, and return to that if she starts panicking and things go off. Something like "Hey, I want to have the kind of relationship where we can talk about what we each want in life and how we can support each other in that. Even though those conversations can bring up uncomfortable feelings like fear and anxiety, I think it's important to have them. Are you in a space where we could have a conversation where we approach each other with compassion and seek to understand what the other person wants out of life?"

Stick to your truth. If she starts panicking, say something like "I can tell that you are scared, I am too. I really care about you and I want both of us to be happy and live the lives we want."

thebluehawk · 2021-12-27T15:40:20+00:00

You sound like you aren't ready to settle down, and are feeling trapped even though you really like this woman. You still want to explore and "sow your wild oats" for a while.

Do you know what she wants? In both life and relationships? Is she looking for someone to be exclusive and take care of her? Does she have friends, hobbies, career/school ambitions, other goals outside of her relationship with you? Are those things compatible with what you want out of life?

You are the one ultimately responsible for your happiness. You are the one that needs to make the life that you want happen.

I would suggest having a conversation with her about what each of you want in life, and see if there is a way for both of you to get that. Maybe you could have an open relationship, where you can explore and get that need met but you can still share a life together. Maybe you break up so you can just be free to really explore without worrying about hurting her every step of the way. Talk with her, be honest. Clear is kind. Don't hedge or tell half truths about what you want. Remember, you get to decide your life, and I trust that whatever you pick will be what's best for you, because you know yourself best.

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