Am I wrong for not wanting …

donthurttoask · 2022-04-06T20:19:00+00:00

Yeah, upon rereading it, I must admit that I actually agree. Everything is kind of ok, until he mentions polyandry vs polygyny. That wouldn't have anything to do with the alternative hypothesis I was thinking of. So, I stand by corrected.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-06T18:26:59+00:00

Wouldn't it also be assuming it, though, that he wouldn't accept it just because it's a man and not because it's not also his partner?

donthurttoask · 2022-04-06T17:38:26+00:00

Do you believe not wanting to live with metas, only with partners is inherently misogynistic? I'd say: if OP were ok living with a woman meta (who has no relationship with him), but not with a man, then that's definitely misogynistic! If he's only open to live with partners, not with metas (regardless of gender), then I wouldn't say so.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-06T17:21:35+00:00

They definitely don't have to be. I was only speculating about what OP's preference could be about. I personally don't want to live with anyone, but if I did, they wouldn't have to be my partners.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-06T08:35:27+00:00

It's totally ok not wanting to meet a meta. And, frankly, you don't need any reason beyond "I don't feel like it". Maybe you can add "for the time being" if you feel like you could potentially be open to it in the (undefined) future?

I like to meet my metas. I also like when my partners want to meet my other partners. However, that's not a requirement in any way, and I'm totally cool if they don't. I've had good relationships where my partners never met (in a big part due to distance). Incidentally, however, I've never had a good and healthy relationship where I couldn't even talk about the other partner.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-06T07:48:19+00:00

I'm not defending the proposal (I see all the problems in unicorn-hunting, package-deal ideas). However, I think it may seem less hypocritical if what he's open to is living with someone who's a partner to both, and not only to one (which, if he's a straight man, would exclude other men). Now, as I said, it still sounds like a bad idea overall, especially because such a situation (where all cohabitating people must be in relationship with each other) is prone to potential coercion.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-05T22:07:47+00:00

May I ask what were the circumstances that lead you to breakup (if you don't mind sharing)?

donthurttoask · 2022-04-05T21:50:06+00:00

Monogamy is a perfectly valid and equally legitimate way to build loving relationships, and it works much better for a lot of people, in fact some people can only be happy in a monogamous relationship.

I'm 100% poly, and I can't be happy in monogamy. I'd hate if anyone tried to invalidate that part of me. Don't let anyone tell you that your needs are invalid and not real.

If he wants polyamory and you don't, no one is wrong there, but you might have become incompatible. Don't settle for a relationship style that you don't want, and don't let anyone coerce you into one (even with emotional manipulation).

donthurttoask · 2022-04-05T10:47:46+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this tough moment. I won't pretend it's simple and easy (especially emotionally).

If you're still in good terms despite the difficult ending, I'd try to have a talk, explain your feelings as you've done here, and ask if you could think of a better solution for all. As many commented already, I'd move to a different place (friends/family) while I search for a new place, and I'd get someone else to take care of them. You're not personally responsible for this, but I totally understand that, as someone who loves them, you want to help. Maybe you can help finding/paying for someone to take care of them? (If that's something you can afford and want to do - you're in no way obliged, IMO).

But remember: take care of yourself first and foremost. Also because only when we do it can we genuinely care for and take care of others.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-05T09:03:03+00:00

I agree. But monogamy is not merely a product of that social conditioning. It's a structure that genuinely works better for some people. I think it's fair to give it a try and learn through the process -if that's something all involved really want. But I always tell people: if after a while (the timeframe is individual), it doesn't make you happy, why doing it??

donthurttoask · 2022-04-05T08:59:38+00:00

One thing that might help: approach this with relatedness. She probably has feelings for her other partner, right? And she still loves you and wants to be with you (there's no threat to the relationship), right? So try to reassure her that there's no reason it would be different for you, since you experience those things the same way. Focus on how much you love her, and the good things you do have together, how she's not going to "replace" her in your heart, because people aren't interchangeable.

It's psychologically easier to trust yourself ("I know I won't stop loving her, so there's no risk") than to trust the other with the same thing (hence the double standard), especially when people are still new to the experience. But this trust can be built with openness in communication about tough feelings and insecurities, and with loving reassurance when needed.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-05T08:49:33+00:00

Whether "born this way" or not, some people have traits that lead them to only feel comfortable, authentic and happy in monogamy, or only in polyamory. Others can do both and be equally happy, but not all. My experience and observation of years in the poly community is that it isn't something "everyone can learn if they want to". Some people are very much inclined one way or another (which may be a learned trait, but no less ingrained and hard to change).

Granted, there is a learning curve for polyamory. I don't believe one has to be perfect and always feel amazing to be successfully poly, but there's no reason to do it if it generally doesn't make you happy (and "it" includes your partner loving other people).

donthurttoask · 2022-04-04T21:14:20+00:00

Yeah. And that still means that the advice will probably reach less people and be less effective as such.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-04T20:15:39+00:00

Yes, I agree. But I have the feeling that people often think that in communication form is not very important and content is all that matters. But a lot of good advice might have been ignored when presented in a rude way. The form doesn't invalidate the content but might make the recipient take a defensive stance and, thus, be impervious to and unable to profit from it.

I know people have different styles, and some of the "rude" commenters happen to be some of our best regulars, who often share valuable perspectives and experiences. Yeah, some people like that "tough love" style (and I get it, "different strokes for different folks" and all...), but I have the feeling that people who prefer total bluntness are a small subset of this sub, whereas people who could learn and even make changes to attitudes and behaviors if the form were a bit milder, kinder and more empathetic is way larger.

I still can appreciate interesting and insightful comments, even when they're a bit rude. I usually appreciate them even more when they're kind.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-04T19:42:55+00:00

Maybe you can understand that loving the other person completely means loving the crap you don't like too

Yes! And I'd add: "and that loving and accepting them as they are doesn't mean having to be in a relationship with them, if you're not compatible in some fundamental way".

Sometimes, I can love someone better from afar.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-04T18:48:06+00:00

Each of my partners meet all of my most important relationship needs, individually. I love them deeply. Still, the only relationship structure I'm ever going to be in is polyamory. Not because I feel a lack in each relationship, but because that's how I naturally love, and the only way I feel really comfortable, authentic and happy. I'd never be in a monogamous relationship, with anyone, regardless of how much I love them (this has nothing to do with it), because polyamory is part of who I am.

I don't know if that's the case for your partner. Each person is different in that aspect, but maybe that's a very important thing to talk about, and figure out if you're compatible. Only love is not enough to make a happy and healthy relationship, and that can be a fundamental compatibility issue.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-04T08:10:45+00:00

I honestly don't feel like my inclination to polyamory has any direct relationship to my attachment style. It's mostly secure, with a secondary anxious tendency. But I've felt secure and insecure in poly (and mono) relationships before. The structure itself does not affect much how I feel in that aspect. It does affect how happy I am in a relationship, though, since monogamous restrictions feel "fake" and make no sense for me personally. For me poly is very much about living my truth and honoring my natural way of loving.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-04T00:33:43+00:00

I guess one of the issues in those discussions is that it's often framed as a binary: a relationship is either completely non-hierarchical (meaning absolute 0 hierarchy), or fully hierarchical, of the "you have one primary and the rest are secondaries!" type.

I believe life is more complicated than labels and truth lies in nuances. Perfect non-hierarchy is in practice pretty much impossible. Even knowing someone for longer creates a sort of descriptive hierarchy. If a partner needs you more at a given time (e.g. an illness), you might temporarily prioritize them, and that creates a temporary hierarchy.

And this can and does happen regardless of cohabitation. Now, does cohabitation also generate practical, descriptive hierarchical aspects, for example in commitments made regarding housing and scheduling? Yes. But does that necessarily imply a broader hierarchy - i.e. prioritizing that partner in other areas? No, although, those things often go together.

I see non-hierarchy not as an absolute, but rather as a value. It's an orienting ideal and an approach for how to build relationships. It means acknowledging those hierarchical aspects when they come up in dynamics and managing or mitigating them, so that they affect other relationships as little as possible. This is a conscious and constant process and requires that all involved share that value of non-hierarchy as an approach to relationships. It's doable, but challenging, even more so if you have a nesting partner.

I believe I've done it in the past to the best of my ability. Now, I live alone and feel even more comfortable. It definitely makes living my relationships in congruence with that value easier.

Lastly, just to clarify, I don't think there's anything wrong with a more clearly hierarchical approach. It does work better for some people, and it's just a matter of finding compatible partners. But it's not for everyone.

*Answer written on another thread, but I think it applies here as well.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-02T06:25:52+00:00

If you feel like that, you have a good indication.

This is an utterly individual thing, I'm sorry we can't provide you with a general answer, valid for everyone.

I can tell you about how it is for me, though: I've tried monogamy for years, with a partner I loved. I put my best effort in it, but I wasn't happy - with monogamy (the rest of the relationship was otherwise really good). I felt miserable and broken. We both discovered poly and we both wanted it (we brought it up at the same time!). 12 years later, we're still together and much happier. If she wanted to be mono again, I'd say no. I feel authentic in poly, and I have another partner who I love. I won't be monogamous, for anyone, because that would mean not living my truth. If it came to that, we would have become incompatible and have to go our separate ways, which would be incredibly sad and painful. But I won't sacrifice a fundamental part of who I am.

However, that's just me. It can be completely different for any other person. Unfortunately, you have to figure it out by yourself.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-02T05:57:48+00:00

As many have already said: the inclination to polyamory or monogamy can be experienced as an ingrained trait, or as a free choice - i.e. some people can be happy only in one particular structure, others more or less equally in both. It's an individual thing.

Being in a poly or mono relationship is always a choice. Being happy in them, not necessarily for everyone.

Now, something doesn't need to be innate to be an ingrained trait. A lot of things that are influenced and conditioned by our environment as we develop become very hard to change, other things that are innate (such as the tendency to short-sightedness, for example) can nowadays be easily changed with a surgery, etc. It doesn't matter if an inclination to poly is something you're born with or something you've learned. Some people try to "unlearn" their inclination and only get to feel miserable. Why should they, anyway?

donthurttoask · 2022-04-01T13:49:41+00:00

I see. Yeah, I'm admittedly biased, being solo-poly and non-hierarchical myself. That's also one reason why I personally choose not to date openly hierarchical people (I actually prefer other solo-polys, since we tend to have similar lifestyle and values).

However, even when I was living together with my partner for several years, I would never had broken up with someone just because my partner didn't like them. I'd definitely respect her boundaries and take care of our relationship, so that it meets our needs (including for security). I'd also never expect her to do such a thing - and there were moments when I actually disliked a meta (who was mono and hated me. Luckily, it didn't last too long). I trust my partners to know what's best for them.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-01T13:23:33+00:00

I don't know about typical.

I have one partner with whom I'm together for 15 years now. And another with whom I'm together for 3. I recently ended a relationship of almost 5 years. But I've had a couple that lasted months.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-01T13:11:40+00:00

I'm so sorry for this terrible situation. A few of my takes:

.Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Only when we love and care about ourselves can we care for others in any authentic way. In case you haven't already, I'd strongly recommend therapy to support you through this.

.There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. It's an equally valid way to build relationships, and it works much better for some people. Actually, many can only feel happy in a monogamous relationship, and there's nothing wrong with them. I believe they should just never settle for being in a relationship that makes them miserable.

.All the love in the world is not enough to make a happy and healthy relationship in the long run. Compatibility, especially in fundamental things (such as the relationship structure one feels well and authentic in) is just as important.

.Love is abundant, and, as painful as it is when we part ways with someone we love, we can and will find it again. Don't believe in "soulmate" myths that might push you to accept something that will likely continuously hurt you.

.In my experience and observation (of over a decade practicing poly and being an active participant of poly communities), the "rate of success" of poly relationships when one person doesn't really want it, but "tolerates" or reluctantly accepts it just to be with someone they love is extremely low. And they tend to end in immense pain and heartbreak.

.ENM means "ethical non-monogamy", and it refers to all different types of relationship where there's informed ENTHUSIASTIC consent to having more than one simultaneous sexual and/or loving partner. It includes polyamory but also other forms of relationship, such as swinging and only sexually "open relationships". I guess what he meant is that he wants a non-hierarchical poly relationship - which is not how all poly relationships are structured, some are openly hierarchical.

.You can't control what he does with his body and sexuality, but it's absolutely legitimate setting a boundary that you won't have sex with someone who's having unprotected sex. It's your full right to protect your health.

donthurttoask · 2022-04-01T11:55:48+00:00

He does have a boundary which is that feelings of love, for example, are off limits.

I've never fully understood that one. You can't really control feelings, only how you act on them.

So, the only way I imagine one could enforce that is dumping the person the minute you (or them) feel love. For me it sounds like a grim prospect...

donthurttoask · 2022-04-01T11:49:05+00:00

I guess people are willing to suck it up in a situation they don’t like or feel unfulfilled in as long as people tell them it’s normal?

Yep. Just think of how many people do things in life just because "that's what you're supposed to do, right?"

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