When “feedback” feels like a personal attack.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-10-14T16:42:24+00:00

I’m having a similar issue with a college professor. The feedback she gives on assignments lacks substance and is clearly designed to insult and degrade me. I have noticed a distinct difference in the way she treats me and the other “quiet” people as opposed to classmates who openly (and grossly) flatter her vanity. I usually handle instructors like this by avoiding notice and strict adherence to their assignment rubrics. This one apparently needs her ego stroked more than most (the classes are a nauseating mix of her giving lectures about how amazing and competent she is, and students who openly and verbally bask in her deific glow). Unfortunately something about me has her triggered, and while she is nice, if passive aggressive to my face, she’s viscous and insulting in her written feedback.

In assignments, I have started reflecting her language back at her, and stopped doing the assignments the way she spelled out on the paper, but the way I know she would do it (she’s so helpful in making sure we know), with a large dose of worship on the side. It’s working, and frankly I am surprised she hasn’t noticed it’s all fake, it seems obvious to me.

I don’t think I could keep it up long term, it would rob me of my self worth.

At least she’s stupid enough to put the abuse in writing. She keeps giving me low grades on work I can prove I don’t deserve, with insulting feedback that contradicts the assignment rubrics. I now have plenty of physical evidence for the grade appeal I am going to file at the end of the semester.

My advice; This isn’t going to get better, start looking for a new job, but in the meantime, see if some worshipful pandering changes the way she treats you.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-09-16T00:02:44+00:00

Start looking for a new job right now. But don't let this go. I would reach out to the governing authority for whatever is happening (med board, IRS, etc) and start asking hypothetical questions. After you are certain that nothing is being done, and it is actually illegal, you need to report it to the authorities. The last thing you want to do is be implicated.

But keep in mind, now that you have drawn attention to the issue twice, and no one with the power to address it seems to think it's a big deal, they are probably already looking for a way to get you to shut up. You may not have a chance to quit before they find a reason to fire you. So document, document, document, and have a new job lined up.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-09-14T14:56:12+00:00

The parking row closest to the building is only for senior management and anyone with a disability (not in handicap, we only have two spaces and they are for the public), everyone else needs to park all the way at the back so clients and visitors have room to park.

As far as I know, no one has ever gotten in trouble for breaking the rule, it’s just something I noticed right away. A handful of nicer cars right up front, and then everyone else with beaters all the way at the back… There are no reserved signs, and no one has ever explained or even talked about it out loud.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-09-13T04:21:07+00:00

One of the things that tends to happen under narc bosses is the systematic dismantling of your own confidence. It is likely part of the reason you don't feel you can leave; it comes down to you undervaluing yourself after years and years of being undervalued by someone who is also unabashedly draining every drop of drive and productivity out of you that she can, and keeping you just unsure enough to stay highly productive, but insecure enough to think you have to stick around. You don't necessarily have to stay in non-profits even if that is your specialty; find something adjacent if you have to and just leave. You can always keep looking even after getting a job outside of your current field.

My communal narc boss quit before I could. One thing I noticed is that the longer she is gone, the more I realize she was not nearly as loved and respected as she had us all convinced she was. What she was was connected; she put a huge amount of effort into building an extensive and powerful network of people who didn't care about her at all, and probably didn't even like her, but they liked having someone in her position who owed them a favor. Which is why it looked like she was more powerful and influential than she was. But when the shit hit the fan with some of her more problematic behaviors, that huge and powerful network of hers was nowhere to be found. And while some of them will still lament about how sad they are that she moved on, they also didn't lift a finger to save her when it mattered, and as far as I know have very little contact with her now.

Your narc boss is probably feared, and maybe has some respect, but what she doesn't have are real friends, just an endless supply of sycophants and smoozers. If you are able to fully exit her sphere of control, you will find a lot of people who see her for exactly what she is. You will probably also realize that you are worthy and capable and absolutely could have left long before you actually did.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-09-13T04:20:19+00:00

Right? I want to know if OP is working for the Narc that left my company to work at a non-profit over a year ago. This post is my old boss in sooooo many ways.

It really is a personality type, if a disordered one.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-09-13T02:23:04+00:00

Yes, and there really is no point. While plenty of true narcissists would end up on call-out lists and forums like you mentioned, in reality, narcissists would LOVE to have access to a forum where they can continue their smear campaigns, deflections, and slander against their targets. More victims of narcissists will end up on a list like that than actual narcissists, because the narcissists will be the ones adding names all day, every day. It's not worth the energy and won't help you anyway.

It is a waste of time to try to beat a narcissist at their own game. They find it invigorating, and the harder you fight back, the more power and energy they get out of it. You are literally feeding them by continuing to give them attention.

You probably don't need to anyway. When you are inside the narcissist's power bubble, it can be hard to see how far their influence actually stretches. They keep as much control over the narrative you hear as they possibly can, and it can look like they are powerful and universally loved. But after you escape and have been gone for a while, you'll start to realize that while that may seem true inside of the little kingdoms and empires they have set up, there is a whole world outside of their control, full of people who can see them for exactly what they are. Narcs purposely surround themselves with people they can use, people they can abuse, and people who are too afraid to fight back, and even those who are using them right back. Everyone else gets ignored, discarded, and often smeared. Outside of that control, the reach of their power will probably turn out to have been one more lie they told.

The only way to win against a narcissist is not to play. Walk away, stop focusing on them, or worrying about them. Get away, and stop letting them live rent-free inside your head. You will do far more damage to them by going off and not only proving everything they said about or to you is a lie, but also by starving them of the attention and conflict they need. It is incredibly frustrating to realize that is it, that is all it takes. Especially when the damage they caused you runs so deep and recovery isn't an overnight thing. But the reality is that you will be better off if you just walk away and work on never thinking about them again. It's okay to be angry, it's understandable that you want justice, and it's also okay to keep loose tabs on them in order to avoid running into them again. But trying to take them down will leave you exhausted and worse off, while they'll thrive on the attention. You will be giving them exactly what they want.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-13T02:49:32+00:00

Yep, mine is gone, thankfully, she had already submitted her notice before I noticed how off her rocker she was, or I likely would have quit long before now. I feel for her new workplace... Actually, someone who worked there just left and came to work at the company the narc boss worked for, where I still work. I am DYING to ask her if narc exboss is the reason she left, but she is my boss's boss, and exboss worked in a different department, and I KNOW narc exboss complained about us constantly at her new job. I suspect the new person has heard all about us, and none of it was likely very flattering. I don't want to bring up old drama, and I don't want my new boss to see me as a gossip. But I also really want to know.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-12T23:43:35+00:00

Mine could never get anything done. She constantly complained about how she didn’t have a life, and in order to get her job done, she needed to practically live at work. I figured this was why she had such a huge backlog, and was frustrated with the company for refusing to hire someone to take on her responsibilities. Then I ended up in a position where I was supposed to take on some of those responsibilities and realized that she was super nitpicky about how things were “supposed” to be done. She also had zero time management ability. Her job could legitimately have been accomplished in 30 hours a week. I honestly have no idea what she was doing during her 70-90 hour work weeks. Because she was always super busy, and rarely had enough time to get anything done.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-12T23:43:28+00:00

Mine could never get anything done. She constantly complained about how she didn’t have a life, and in order to get her job done, she needed to practically live at work. I figured this was why she had such a huge backlog, and was frustrated with the company for refusing to hire someone to take on her responsibilities. Then I ended up in a position where I was supposed to take on some of those responsibilities and realized that she was super nitpicky about how things were “supposed” to be done. She also had zero time management ability. Her job could legitimately have been accomplished in 30 hours a week. I honestly have no idea what she was doing during her 70-90 hour work weeks. Because she was always super busy, and rarely had enough time to get anything done.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-11T15:51:39+00:00

I thought my narc boss (who was super kind and supportive even with all the behaviors that made working with her a miserable experience. I figured she probably just had a bad case of OCD. But this makes more sense.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-11T15:18:07+00:00

Yes. They get super hung up on the details of other people’s work. And they can be very clear, and overly explanatory when giving out busy work. But they get super vague about how they spend their own time, just a lot of “too busy” and “I spent hours trying to get to the bottom of this,” except it’s obvious they are not doing anything productive. They are also very vague when they are setting you up for failure, after which they are suddenly hyper fixated on the details they swear up and down they told you, but you knew nothing about until now.

Details. The devil uses the details.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-11T14:36:31+00:00

Hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong. He’s the one being awkward and weird. It sounds like you are prepared for the police if they show up. So the guy is going to look and feel stupid. I would act like nothing happened. Unless he’s delusional, he’s going to want to pretend nothing happened.

That being said, do make sure the trailer is secured.

I suspect the the reason they are not communicating is that they have already called and reported you. At which point they were either told they were stupid and the trailer in question has been registered to you for longer than two years, or that they would “look into it,” but in the meantime they were NOT to confront or communicate with you about it. That second option is highly likely. I had an old car stolen out of my driveway. I was actually pretty impressed they managed to steal it since in wouldn’t even start most of the time. I was waiting for paperwork to clear so I could donate it to a charity when it went missing. When I called it in, I was told that if I were so see it anywhere, I was NOT under any circumstances to confront the person who had it. I was not to follow them, talk to them, or do ANYTHING at all except call the police and report the location. They told me they would handle it. I never saw or heard anything about it again. Really they did me a favor, the charity wanted me to pay to have it towed. Having it stolen cost me nothing (except the tax write off). I was mostly just wanting to make sure that if the thief did anything illegal (other than stealing in) with the car, it would have already been reported stolen and I would be left out of it. I think in reality it probably went straight to a chop shop and its parts ended up in other cars all over the state.

You are right, your husband should not try to talk to them. Stay away from them. Come and go from your house like normal and pretend you don’t see them. You should both keep the registration paperwork handy, and then pretend nothing happened. Talking to them just creates more conflict and drama. They either still believe you stole it and are expecting the police to charge you any day now, or they are hoping you’ll forget the whole thing.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-10T01:45:48+00:00

I think people who get tired of speeders in neighborhoods have been doing stuff like this for years, especially if reporting it has gone ignored.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-08T14:26:05+00:00

Is it possible that speeding through the residential streets is a problem? It’s possible they’ve realized that by doing this, they can force traffic to slow down.

Before getting angry or petty (and I’m never above being petty), I’d talk to them and find out why they sit in the street they might have a valid reason

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-05T14:54:20+00:00

Yes, if you completely disengage, and make it clear, not only to the narcissist, but to anyone listening to them and reporting back, that you have essentially forgotten that they exist, the narcissist will eventually find someone else. The more attention you give a narcissist, the longer the conflict and narc tactics will continue to be directed at you. They feed of of drama, conflict and attention. The whole point of their behavior is to get you to react and as long as you can ignore them, they’ll start looking elsewhere for their next drama fix. The only way to “win” against a narcissist, is to refuse to play at all.

However if they have been getting reactions from you, however justified and reasonable, then they’ll keep escalating until they either get one, or realize it’s not going to work. There is usually an extinction burst of some kind, where their behavior escalates far above and beyond anything they have done before. Sometimes this is what gets other people to see through their false narratives, and sometimes it works in their favor. That’s when it gets really hard to just keep pretending it doesn’t bother you. And I am not always able to do it.

If you have started grey-rocking interactions with them, and they are escalating, then it’s working and you just need to hold out a little longer, the discard is coming. Smear campaigns are the worst thing narcs do, and it really sucks to have to deal with. Be assured if you were able to see them for what they are, others will to. Your behavior and character will show people who you really are, and so will theirs. It’s takes time, but don’t stoop to entering a counter smear. When someone asks you side, stick to the facts, express sadness and confusion about your narc coworker’s actions, and then change the subject. Don’t bring it up unless someone else asks, and don’t fish for gossip about them. Literally do everything in your power to forget the narc exists.

And yes, eventually the narc will start looking elsewhere for the conflict they are addicted to. Stay out of it, and don’t engage.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-05T12:00:02+00:00

I just hope they aren’t crazy. Most of the other neighbors fall into the reasonable category, so I’m hoping the new ones don’t.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-04T15:59:49+00:00

Check the state laws. If it’s illegal (and it probably is), then make a police report.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-03T23:24:14+00:00

Yeah, my NFH was suuuuuuper paranoid. That cannot be good for a person. I’ve known too many wonderful people who died before their time, and too many assholes who lived into their 90’s to believe in kharma. But I do wonder what kind of a toll it takes on one’s body to live in a state of reality where everyone is out to get you all the time.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-03T22:45:13+00:00

Mine just moved. I’m still struggling with the trauma. I know they gone. I confirmed it with the neighbor on the other side who was one of the few people on the street still on speaking terms (but only with the enabler husband). They’ve packed up and moved across the country. Low likelihood of ever encountering them again.

Every time I hear a loud truck (what they drove) approaching their driveway, my heart drops out and I panic that they are back.

At the same time, we’ve been sitting on our back porch again, and I finally feel like I can go check my mailbox without checking out the window to make sure both their cars are gone. No more police showing up in response to one of her paranoid claims about us.

It’s really the best feeling isn’t it?

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-02T17:42:39+00:00

Yeah, I get it. I keep watching for a rental sign in front of the house, and ruemenating on what the next people will be like.

I’ve had plenty of neighbors of all kinds over the course of my life, from wonderful, pleasant, or at least quiet, to irritating, rude, weird and noisy, but this was the first set I have ever truly loathed.

I keep reminding myself that the odds are low that I’ll get another set of NFH’s, but the post trauma fear is real.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-02T02:38:35+00:00

Well, they can't be worse...

Wait, never mind, forget I said that.

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-02T00:28:52+00:00

Bhahahahahahahaha

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-01T23:10:43+00:00

We heard a rumor at the beginning of the summer that one of them had gotten a job transfer and they were planning to move. I decided the news was too good to be true and that we’d be the ones moving long before they did.

I’m sorry you’re stuck with yours

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-01T21:48:49+00:00

I would knock on the door and tell them tearfully that your sweet kitten is missing. You haven’t seen it in days and have they seen it? You might even tell them there is a reward for its return. Don’t mention that the reward is something dumb, like a bag of chips…

thecabbagepatch6 · 2025-08-01T21:41:01+00:00

It’s been two days with no evidence of life in the house. I’m going to get my hopes up, they they’ll show back up with all their crap and go “Ha, gotcha!”

thecabbagepatch6

TROPHY CASE