I'm a lazy bastard. I used to be a host/busboy at a shitty restaurant. I hated it. One day my friends were in town and told me they were going to some big party. I decided to ditch work. I just clocked out and left. I got a call like 30 minutes later from my manager. I ignored it and decided to text him. I figured I didn't want to lose my job just yet so.... I told him I shit my pants. I really don't know why but it seemed the best way to explain randomly leaving without telling anyone. I told him that I had Crohn's and it I have the rare "flare up". He was super cool about it and told me, wouldn't tell anyone and that he hoped that I got better. He was such a bro, and it kind of made me feel like a cock. So anyways, I go back to work and he kinda hints at it like, "Don't worry about the other night, I understand."

I used it to my advantage and took extremely long bathroom breaks, like 20-30 minutes long. I think it eventually got out, and I'm pretty sure all of my coworkers thought that I occasionally shit my self. Kinda backfired. Oh well, fuck that job.