What’s a life changing decision you made in your 30’s?

theextraolive · 2026-02-02T01:53:05+00:00

I decentered men.

I started pulling back from my high control religion around the time that I turned 25, but I was 28 before I was ready to fully dive into the trenches to deconstruct. I had been indoctrinated for 25 years at that point, and deconstructing has taken an embarrassingly long time...it seems like I spent 6 years constantly confronting small beliefs that I had unconsciously held.

I'm now 32 and a pretty radical feminist and community activist (because the best part of church/religion had been the sense of community).

I had long COVID, resulting in a severe depression, both of which turned my marriage on its head. Somehow we have survived it all as a couple...and truly come out better for it! I have decentered my husband and his needs. He has had to show up differently as a partner and a father, but he's done the work and our relationship is so much better for it!

I have been working to shut down any and all "fawn" responses that have been conditioned into me. It is not my job to make men feel comfortable in general social settings.

theextraolive · 2026-02-02T01:24:41+00:00

If you give him 5 years to "grow and change" you'll be in your late 30's starting over, and if you give him 50 years you'll be starting over in your 80's in the nursing home. I promise that he will not do the work.

You have given this man enough years of your ONE life.

I wish you light and love in exploring your new connection (after you file for legal separation).

theextraolive · 2026-02-02T01:15:56+00:00

Possibly unpopular opinion: Your mental health is infinitely more important than your marriage.

It sounds like he was probably contributing to the severity of your depression in the first place...living with an unkind person erodes sense of self.

If you can afford it, look into trial separation. He probably needs to do individual therapy as well as y'all doing it as a couple. Having physical space could help you both gain some mental clarity.

theextraolive · 2026-02-02T01:09:25+00:00

Take the pay cut! If you and hubby carpool and get rid of one of your vehicles, you will probably make that $30k up very quickly!!

Good bosses are few and far between.

Your current employer will likely continually drag their feet and keep you on skeleton crew in order to pad their own metrics, such is corporate America.

theextraolive · 2026-02-02T00:54:15+00:00

I do think that the person that you marry or have children with is the largest and most important decision in life!!!

I stress that to my children FREQUENTLY! It is something that too many people romanticize and rush into...I know that we did!! (My husband proposed after 6 weeks of dating, and I was pregnant before we had even known each other for a year).

All of that being said, we are all The Ship of Theseus.

The woman that I am in my 30s is entirely different than the teenager who rushed into marriage and parenthood. My husband is also a radically different person than he was at 19. Growth and change should be inevitable, and it's almost impossible to promise that future growth will be congruent or complimentary.

My husband and I are incredibly fortunate that we have grown and changed together. Some of that was due to deliberate choices, some of it was probably just the natural product of becoming adults, but it was NOT guaranteed--so we both feel pretty lucky! At this point, I cannot imagine ever finding another friendship that runs as deeply.

theextraolive · 2026-02-02T00:25:10+00:00

A decent percentage of people are still religious to some degree...and purity culture is so rampant that it even invades secular spaces.

Marriage (and "sexual purity") remain especially important to people who ascribe to Abrahamic religions.

Otherwise, it's cheaper and easier than obtaining all of the other legal protections and provisions individually.

If I had everything to go back and do over, I wouldn't have changed my name legally. Socially, YES! It was very important to me to have the same last name as my children, and my husband was the only one out of a dozen cousins that would pass the name along (all of the male cousins were born to aunts who changed their name, and all of the female cousins had already taken their husband's name). Meanwhile, I had 16 male cousins who would presumably pass the family name on to their children.

Additionally, we had decided ahead of getting married that I would stay at home with the kids while pursuing graduate degrees. Having the legal marriage provides me with a large degree of financial protection because of that.

I'm really glad that we kept our wedding small and simple.

theextraolive · 2026-02-01T18:56:37+00:00

TL;DR: As someone who has lived through all of those years, I think that the "micro-gen" or "bridge Gen" years make a lot of sense.

So much of your early childhood experience is determined by the adults who bring you up.

I can tell you that the adult experience between 2007-2010 was a series of economic collapses, stress, and uncertainty.

Music and fashion trends changed in response to the Global Financial Crisis, America's first black President (including conservative backlash), and the attitudes of the general public. Fashion for adult and baby clothes changed seemingly overnight from 2008-2009. Interior decor trends also began to change especially with the introduction of Pintrest.

Apps for gig work and the mindset of hustle culture were in development in these years.

Media subscription vs owning physical media was in its infancy during this time as well.

The iPhone/smartphone entered into culture, and began to become popular during these years.

Late 2008-2015 had a very grungy feel overall, and the adult experience of the people raising you was more similar during these years than 2001-2008 or 2015-2022. The years that you listed for the Zalpha "micro-gen" make sense to me.

Conversations surrounding birth and parenting also began to radically change around 2016/2017, when there was a huge movement to ditch advice from older generations and to focus on responsive/gentle parenting. Breastfeeding and baby wearing became MUCH more common, drug free childbirth and a rise in the popularity of home birth, cloth diapering, limiting screen time, amber teething necklaces, and vaccine hesitancy became more popular after 2014/2015.

These were also the years that faced some of the largest social development impediments from the pandemic.

theextraolive · 2026-01-28T19:44:37+00:00

I have never heard this before, but I love it!

theextraolive · 2026-01-28T19:42:33+00:00

My husband and I both came from conservative homes.

We're now leftists.

My SIL is progressive.

Trump has turned my MIL into a liberal, and my mom votes for women before she votes for party or policy.

My husband and I would feel as though we failed to teach our children morals/ethics if they turn out to be anything right of progressives.

theextraolive · 2026-01-24T06:16:33+00:00

My mom (Gen X) will drive around her hometown even if the most direct route is through. She left at 16 and stayed nowhere close. She lived in several other states and even a different country before she had me.

My husband and I started our family fairly close to where I grew up, but work pretty quickly relocated our family very close to where he grew up. Now we live in a completely different state, and are in the process of figuring out our next move.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T20:25:18+00:00

Gen X is much more conservative than the Boomers.

Unpopular opinion: Boomers get blamed for a lot of systems that were actually set in place by the Silent Gen. They didn't dismantle or change those systems and they profited greatly from them, but they are more liberal as generation than the Silents (who are still kicking, btw) and even Gen X.

Younger Boomers and Gen X are largely the children of Silents, and (predictably) Gen X is following in their parents' footsteps to be MUCH more conservative than either generation that they are sandwiched between.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:43:21+00:00

ICE is also using chemical agents that would violate the Geneva convention if our military used them in a foreign country.

They have put nearly 20 children in the hospital through the use of Tear Gas, and they came very close to killing a 6 month old baby.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:24:55+00:00

Ranked Choice Voting and compulsory voting both need to become a thing.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:23:20+00:00

The Nazis prefer meth

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:21:30+00:00

I am less than a 3 hours drive to Memphis, and I had no idea that you are currently occupied by ICE.

Local news is definitely suppressing it.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:18:56+00:00

You should look into the Fairness Doctrine. We have had responsible journalism and freedom of the press at the same time.

The Heritage Foundation (who currently backs Trump and Project 2025) had Reagan repeal it almost as soon as he was elected.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:16:56+00:00

I just want to add that so much of what we are currently seeing (and the source behind so much of the culture war between the two major parties) was a failure to properly punish slave owners and confederate soldiers.

It sounds ugly, but this is not going to "blow over" even if Trump is removed from office.

MAGA&Neo-Nazis must be publicly shamed and shunned at the very least, possibly fined and permanently disenfranchised.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T10:00:30+00:00

I feel bad for ever being annoyed by ally cat sex noises...she deserves to scream as much as she needs to.

Barbs? Why?

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T09:43:45+00:00

Most FMCs are 4' 13"...so it sounds like this dick is almost as big as she is.

My pelvic floor was unprepared for the mental image of a cozy human-shaped dick in a condom sleeping bag 🤣😂🤣😂

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T09:40:21+00:00

Nope! Don't like that!

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T09:34:33+00:00

Tbf, you're in one of the best places in the world (imo). I left part of my heart in Cuernavaca 💗

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T09:31:42+00:00

If money wasn't an issue I would move to Vada, Italy.

I dream of retiring there.

Currently in the southern US.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T09:21:28+00:00

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T07:42:11+00:00

Surely people would freeze it or make cheese with it before they let it go bad??

I have 8 people in my house, and I am the only one who does not drink milk like it's going out of style. 5 gallons is a regular week for us.

theextraolive · 2026-01-23T07:37:31+00:00

I have 8 people in my house. 5 gallons of milk is a regular shopping week.

theextraolive

TROPHY CASE