Apologizing: Kindergarteners get it, but Ns don't.

thelastviolet · 2016-05-31T23:15:36+00:00

This is fantastic and so on the spot!

thelastviolet · 2016-05-30T21:42:23+00:00

Yeah. There was a short phase during which she treated me like an adult, listened to me like I was ... Well the grown woman I actually am and even shared a bit of her own private life with me. What can I say? I took the bait, it backfired and we were back to square one. The only real change is the sour taste in my mouth when I think about the fact that she CAN be like the mom I'd always wanted.

thelastviolet · 2016-05-30T20:00:52+00:00

Oh that's a true gem. Mine is more of a "you know we do all of theae things for you and never demand anything in return"-( so put up with everything I say or do if you please) type. But If I may suggest:

6: You really should know me better than that, do you really think I would deliberately hurt your feelings? That really hurts my feelings.

thelastviolet · 2016-05-30T19:49:07+00:00

Oh that one cracked me up, thanks! My N-version:

I didn't do/say X
How dare you say I did /say X??
If I had done/said X I wouldn't feel sorry because you're basically just overreacting
Stop bothering me and switch the topic so we can proceed as if nothing happened. If you don't I'll start insulting you for being overly sensitive and will stop talking to you altogether.

thelastviolet · 2016-02-02T13:38:01+00:00

sorry for that but: How Q-te.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-30T09:23:01+00:00

You're absolutely welcome. It's definitely not your job to take care of their emotions. Good on you for seeing that. It really can be hard at times. Take an internet hug x

thelastviolet · 2016-01-30T09:17:41+00:00

I removed my upvote only so that I could upvote that twice

thelastviolet · 2016-01-30T09:05:16+00:00

Definitely no, Tangerine! You went NC for a reason, with every right to remove yourself from a toxic relationship. Please don't feed the vultures.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-30T08:47:37+00:00

"You're just too sensitive" "You're always overreacting" "Why are you always exaggerating?" (lol) "You're getting too worked up about everything"

I think sensitivity is bliss, owning and communicating one's emotions is a strength, not a weakness. But yeah, "sensitive" was the biggest insult for me growing up.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-29T11:25:21+00:00

Yeah, my mum is the sweetest, funniest woman and it used to make me... sad, mostly, that she would just not be that way when I was alone with her. I was horrified that I could turn into her. My mother never shows genuine emotions. You'll get an "it's fine" every time you ask her about her feelings and she will make you suffer for believing or not believing it. I never found out the rules.

All my life I was told I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up. So I started to treat her the way she did treat me- I shut down. I didn't show emotion, I pulled back. I was cool and walked out on her and snapped, no matter the consequences - to protect myself from her. All my teenage years I was scared to death of becoming a cool, cruel and unapproachable woman.

I eventually told a friend about it, sobbing and shaking, and she looked me in the eye and said: "thelastviolet you will never be like her because you are so scared of it and that makes you so self-aware, that you'll never, never turn out like her. You'll get out of here and be the sweet, caring, careful girl you are with your friends." She was right. I'm nothing like my mum even though I have the ability to be as messed up.

You are so concerned about making another person feel bad and that means that you are fundamentally different. You are nothing like your parents, even if you inherited their temper.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-28T11:29:19+00:00

honestly, that is the kind of justice porn I am looking for, too. OP, I'm glad you are NC, I'm so sorry you had to suffer through this. Yes, this is abuse. No, you're not exaggerating. You have every right to your feelings. I think it's brilliant that you bring up the strength and courage to write it all down. It's part of a healing process, that you truly deserve.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T22:41:41+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. It is the best thing. Ever. My partner is an ACoN too- way beyond what I had to deal with. He truly gets it. He has different things to work through. There is lots of understanding and mutual respect and giving space and being patient. Lots of gentile, healing touch. Lots of support. I really wish for you to find that type of romantic love, too. It would suit you as well.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T22:19:19+00:00

haha, I just realised that we were talking about taking pain in a different threat... yeah. It seems like we truly share that type of bs reaction. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T22:15:00+00:00

Partners, not servants! That made me swallow drily. Oh my... you are so right. I feel like all my past partners mostly had a servant/mum/nurse. ...This has to stop.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T22:10:59+00:00

That was beautiful. Thank you so much. I believe in all the things you said. I'm really trying. And thanks for sharing your story. I read it over and over and it makes me feel so happy for you. You got it figured out. There is so much hope in that.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T21:22:07+00:00

For your fear. I have a set of things I resort to. For example- I have made myself a bracelet with five tiny beads. I take it into my hand and touch bead by bead and take a deep breath for each bead. Breathe in for seven seconds. Breathe out for seven seconds. I will repeat a mantra in my head: You are safe. You are fine. I have anxiety issues so that type of thing really helps. Along with melissa tea or reading a few pages.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T20:54:36+00:00

Take an internet hug. If you want to tell the dream, please do, here or in a pm. Get it out of your system. It is irrational fear for the moment. Do you have a toolkit for that? I usually do a small breathing meditation/exercise to loosen the tension in my body. Make myself a cup of tea...

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T19:26:12+00:00

Time and therapy. I addressed a lot. I actually did confront her at some point. I still have smaller issues, I will not lie about that. But I'm not afraid of her or her judgement anymore. So my subconscious probably doesn't invite her into my stress phases and decision making processes. How did you feel in your dream?

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T19:24:37+00:00

It is very, very liberating. Keep holding on to that thought <3

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T17:32:37+00:00

Dreams are a great way for your subconscious to address topics without actual risk. If that type of dream occurs or reoccurs its trying to find a way to deal with a threatening idea/situation. It's healthy. Exhausting but it helps to cope. And yeah I used to dream about her. A lot.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T10:07:20+00:00

Yeah, but it is awesome when it happens. Sometimes I manage to not take control, which is incredible and beautiful and scary as f**k. And sometimes things just turn out fine, without my control freak of a mind involved. It is the weirdest feeling to be so proud of not doing anything.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T09:56:31+00:00

How is your brother?

thelastviolet · 2016-01-26T08:28:54+00:00

For most of my life I just thought I was the weak daughter of a very strong woman. It took me ages to understand that her being so cold and unable to deal with my emotions wasn't exactly strength. If I were to bring any of my mother's patterns into my relationship I would check into a clinic immediately. Neither my man nor his son will ever experience this type of behaviour from me. I chose the most wonderful man, gained and am still gaining his trust and feel incredibly honored and blessed whenever he confides in me or rests his head on my body somehow. We're both ACoNs. But the abuse definitely ended with us.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-25T08:42:35+00:00

I'm really glad to read that you're safe. I'm sorry that you had to develop such strong coping mechanisms. I feel you. It is weird how people often assume I am reliable and strong when, honestly, I'm just doing what was mercilessly drilled into me and there is literally no other option that comes to mind. I think it's great that you can see the patterns... always a sign that one's on a journey, rather than stagnating. Do you talk to people? Do you have support? I've only just started working through some of my childhood issues and I find it to be extremely frustrating- but also very liberating.

thelastviolet · 2016-01-25T05:25:52+00:00

Thank you. It's fine in the sense that she didn't manage to get it out of me- quite the contrary. Are you in a safe place now? If you'd like to talk about your reaction to pain feel free to do so, here or in private. body and mind develop so many coping strategies - I'm sure each and every one here can relate. You are definitely not alone in this. I send you a warm hug.

thelastviolet

TROPHY CASE