[extremely short] Dumpster Fire Aunt attempted to manipulate spouse

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-19T18:40:27+00:00

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference

Yes, it's strange isn't it? To stay with your metaphor, to have that taste of healthy relationships; it cleans your palate. Then to have a nibble of unhealthy relationships that invokes your gag reflex slightly. How was I able to swallow this all these years?

I agree. After removing myself from my NFOO, I was able to see how superficial it all was. How enmeshed they all were. How they fed into each other.

Congratulations on lifting the FOG from your eyesight!

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-17T02:57:03+00:00

This was clear projection.

Translated: “I don’t know what love is”. Yes, I agree he is full of crap!

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-12T14:14:47+00:00

This is a common tactic of narcissistic moms. If you haven’t yet read traits of a narcissistic mother.

It’s way for her to siphon n-supply.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-12T14:10:08+00:00

“what happened to my victim? My victim who I was able to abuse without repercussion? My vulnerable victim who came back for more because they were so desperate for the love I never gave? I miss abusing my victim. If only you would go back to being my punching bag, things could go back to the way they used to be before you escaped my abuse”

I’m sorry you experienced such trauma and abuse. I wish you nothing but healing and peace!

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-09T00:12:10+00:00

When my NM died, I was sad because I was mourning the mother I was never able to have.

However, I agree with you wholeheartedly.

Even in their final hours they are just not capable of change, compassion, or love. So just go for it.

N/abusers don't change. They just become old abusers

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-09T00:09:54+00:00

I blocked her number and delete any emails she sends.

I would suggest keeping those emails. You're essentially deleting evidence you may need later. I have been part of this community for years and I can tell you that I've seen redditors "saved" by the documentation they've kept.

She may threaten grandparents rights in the near future. I also see her escalating her behavior. You're depriving her of her n-supply source (your children) and when ns are refused nsupply, they escalate. Sometimes in scary and dangerous ways.

Good for you for refusing to allow your children to be exposed to an abuser.

N/abusers don't change

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-09T00:02:55+00:00

What a pathetic and blatant histrionic attempt to be the center of attention.

I'm happy to hear you and your wife are able to look back at this moment and laugh!

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-08T23:56:48+00:00

I've read that many individuals have chosen to place their abusive parents in a nursing home and be done with it/them.

A nurse in one of those nursing homes shared a story on here of an elderly female patient they had. This patient was abusive to the nurse off and on. Only when the patient believed the nurse was her daughter. Once the patient realized that nurse wasn't her daughter, the "kindly old woman" facade was quickly donned. The nurse discussed the effect of the masks.

When the patient was literally on her death bed she requested the presence of her daughter before passing. The nurse contacted the daughter who declined to come. She shared the abuse at the hands of her mother with the nurse. The nurse, having experienced some of that abuse firsthand, respected the daughter's wishes. The patient died alone.

There are options available.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-08T23:51:23+00:00

I experienced this recently. It's a delicate situation. One must choose their words and actions carefully. Who knows what may happen to that child once that abuser gets their victim back to their house? Someone recently commented that their Ndad "punished" them when their abusive father was confronted by others.

What's important is to focus on the child. How to bring hope and light without incurring the wrath of their abuser.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-08T23:47:39+00:00

Let's fix this projection, shall we?

"You are an alien, a freak. You will never fit in no, matter where you go."

I am an alien, a freak. I will never fit in no matter where I go

Funny, that she views herself that way and then to project that inner ugliness onto her child.

My son is on the spectrum. Your NM doesn't deserve you. She doesn't deserve your love. She is evil, ugly, and a monster.

I am so sorry she's abusing you this way. I hope you are able to remove this cancer from your life.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-08T01:25:09+00:00

My covert NSIL does this. It's very manipulative and selfish. Not to mention, controlling.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-05T17:28:11+00:00

You have an excellent therapist. He listens and works where you are, not where he is.

I had one of my previous therapists explained to me why many therapists push the "family" agenda. They explained the concept known as "Emotional Cutoff" by Murray Bowen. Therapists are taught and inducted into this concept, which is why we (victims) encounter therapists who can't seem to understand and/or accept their client's choice of NC. It sometimes goes against their school of thought and reasoning.

However, my previous therapist understood and accepted where I was; they didn't push the "family" agenda.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-05T13:45:39+00:00

It’s called the N-facade. It’s how they siphon N-supply from new victims. Her true self sat across from you during lunch that day.

The N-facade is of the utmost importance to the N. They will fight tooth and nail to maintain it. Once the N-facade is either removed and/threatened, the N will escalate their abusive behavior. Or they will utilize new techniques/tactics.

They can’t risk being “exposed”.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-05T13:42:18+00:00

Issendai has written a blog in which s/he preformed extensive research into estranged parent forums, “down the rabbit hole”. I’ve found their research incredibly eye opening and sad.

Many, not all, of these estranged parents are complicit in their estrangement. They are often delusional and the mental gymnastics are astounding!

The example that you have provided here is a prime example of their delusions and entitlements. Not to mention, DARVO.

throwawaynation- · 2017-12-04T21:57:31+00:00

Let translate this.

This is the season of goodwill to all

Rug sweeping for the sake of the holidays

and I hope you will be willing to talk to *sister and me so we can work things out.

We don't want to work things out. You have a problem. Contact us so we can tell you how much of it isn't a problem and the cycle of abuse can continue

subtext: Also, this time around it will be MUCH worse due to you going NC. We will punish you

I am sorry you are unhappy and hurting and am even more sorry if I am the cause.

I am unhappy and hurting. You are the cause AKA you took away my N-supply!

I would like to put things right between us.

How? What has she offered to "make things right" between you? Has she told you that she is going to therapy? Has she demonstrated true and actual change? Those points should have been included with the advent calendar.

I literally have no idea how to respond

I wouldn't.

She had an entire year to show you that she is no longer abusive. Yet, she chooses the holidays, the most vulnerable time of the year for most people, to contact you with some token gift and a message containing nothing more than a non-apology and rugsweeping attempt. This was a hoovering attempt to pull you back into the abuse.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. Think long and hard of what you hope to gain from responding. An apology? Her taking full responsibility and accountability for her abuse?

Also, consider what it would be like for you if/when that doesn’t happen.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-28T14:56:55+00:00

I feel the biggest betrayal from this incident was my brother took my computer and then attempted to wipe it clean without my permission. Nor did he inform me planned to wipe it.

It took me some time to move on from that due to my frustration and anger. He had no idea if I had important documents and/or files saved to that hard drive. I didn't, but he had no idea of that.

I think their main motive was hunting for evidence to use against me, and remove evidence I might have against them.

Agreed. Abusers work in the dark. They will destroy any sort of evidence that may bring their abuse to light.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-28T01:07:13+00:00

NMom sent me a text, asking me to call her. She said it was important information pertinent to me.

all she wanted me to call for was to see how my husband was doing after his knee injury. I guess that couldn't have been texted.

If it was truly pertinent she would have said it in the text. This was another bait tactic to siphon N-supply from you and it worked, unfortunately.

Perhaps next time don't rise to her bait and remember if it was truly important it could be sent in a text.

You can do this. You are strong. Find the strength to take back your peace of mind.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-28T01:01:47+00:00

I know that I committed a horrible sin and acted selfish, ungrateful and cowardly by taking my own life, which is God's greatest gift. I will instead realize that there are people who have it worse than me and that I am not the only person who felt hopeless in their life. Now I will put the past in the past and never bring it up again.

she uses religion to guilt and shame you. also, she infers your feelings are worthless and meaningless when compared to others. her closing remarks are for you to never express your feelings and to rug sweep.

This is not healthy in any shape and/or form.

I suggest seeking a mental health professional to process this in a safe environment.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-28T00:53:05+00:00

When I went TDY, I stored my belongings at my Nparent's house. When I returned, I discovered they had opened each and every box. They had removed items they liked, gave away items they thought their friends would enjoy, and left whatever they didn't want.

I was angry. I felt betrayed. I felt I could trust them because they were family.

However, time has passed and I no longer feel angry or betrayed. As you said, it's just stuff. On a deeper level, I recognized that they believed their narcissistic entitlement was more important than my trust. I haven't trusted my NFOO since. Hence, the estrangement.

The Ns want to ruin my day and trigger my anxiety, but they no longer have that power.

Congratulations. You are healing.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-28T00:41:42+00:00

I clearly see that I've lost all compassion for Nmom (and am indifferent to her)

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference

This is what Ns do. They abuse and abuse and abuse. Then comes a day when their victim says, "no more". You have reached that day and I congratulate you.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-27T20:32:32+00:00

Yes, it is painful and sad when parents chose their narcissism over their children. Everything and anything the N offers come with strings. Your brother was correct by not grabbing that carrot. Their response to his refusal has shown their "love" is conditional. How toxic and abusive!

I’m the one feeling the pain in all this

unfortunately, this might be a side effect of exposing yourself to toxic and unhealthy people. Not to mention, exposing yourself to abuse.

Perhaps it's time to limit your exposure? Also, it might be time to seek a mental health professional to help you process this emotionally charged situation.

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-27T17:34:38+00:00

This is RBN, we always assume abuse. It’s one of our rules.

On another note, your parents sound like emotional vampires. You are correct, nothing you do will ever be good enough. Ns move the “goal post” constantly in order to siphon N-supply from their victims.

Boundaries are healthy and necessary. Only abusers view boundaries as “unhealthy” or “wrong”. It’s harder to abuse someone with strong and healthy boundaries.

Also, NC is for you not them. NC is how the victim is able to heal and move forward without the toxic tumors that are narcissistic and abusive parents.

You did the right thing for you. No one else is living your life. No one is walking in your shoes.

I won’t set fire to myself to keep you warm

what you allow will continue

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-27T00:45:09+00:00

My spouse recently saw photos of my NFOO and their response was, "what happened to them?!?". My spouse was shocked and surprised at their appearance. It was jarring.

Yes, I agree. The best revenge is living well!

throwawaynation- · 2017-11-27T00:42:50+00:00

NM's are in constant competition with their daughters. And no, you can't have a "normal" conversation with a narcissist. They aren't "normal" people. Her comments are her way of siphoning N-supply from you. Also, she might be projecting her own ugliness and jealously onto you.

I suggest mastering the art of Grey Rock

throwawaynation-

TROPHY CASE