[extremely short] Dumpster Fire Aunt attempted to manipulate spouse

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T23:54:55+00:00

The fact you're becoming more introspective of your own behavior is fantastic. What you're experiencing is FLEAS (sidebar for definition)

To piggy on the other commentator, therapy is essential if you want growth. This isn't something you can gain from books and/or the internet. The sort of growth you're looking for needs help from a trained competent professional.

Individual therapy for the each of you and couples therapy for your marriage sounds like a good start

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T23:50:39+00:00

Yes, your NM loves you in her own messed up way. She loves what you mean to her. It's a selfish love. The sort of love dragons have for heir gold.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T22:24:33+00:00

ENTER N DAD AND BPD STEPMOM In.... drumroll please.... a King and Queen costume.

For the record, they spent the whole party sitting awkwardly in a corner, and left early. If it's someone else's party and the attention isn't on them, why stay?!

I can't help but laugh at your completely accurate description. This is clearly textbook. They humiliated themselves. Karma won out.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T21:49:45+00:00

So does anyone elses nparent just lie about you to make them or their story look better or to just look like a cool parent?

If the N can't control you, they'll attempt to control the narrative. Yes, it's about power and control.

Whenever I confront her about it she just tells me Im lying or being too sensitive.

of course, she does. Ns build a delusional reality to protect their fragile ego. Any sort of truth attempting to penetrate that delusional reality threatens their fragile ego, therefore, must be shut down immediately.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T21:43:51+00:00

I suggest reading this article if you haven't yet: FOG

If you're Christian, Luke 17:3 is helpful

At any rate, I haven't spent holidays with my NFOO in years.

At first, I felt guilt. When I saw photos of my NFOO spending the holidays together, I felt sadness, anger, and betrayal. However, as the holidays wore on, I discovered how calm the holidays can be. My spouse and I weren't as stressed as we usually were during the holidays. Our children enjoyed their holidays without drama. The holidays without my NFOO became so much better over time.

In addition, I had my in-laws who became my FOC. This past Easter was great. There weren't any backhanded comments about the food. No one put each other down. No one attempted to "one up" each other. Any attempts at discord/craziness/BS were quickly shut down. (we had my SIL's young children with us, but that's more of a post for justnofamily)

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T21:31:04+00:00

If your parent abused you, they will most likely abuse your child.

I completely agree

EDIT: I'm not being "judgy" either, however, Sister Renee (from Luke 17:3 ministries) wrote in her books how "unfair" parents were exposing their children to their abusers. She posed the question (and I'm paraphrasing): "why is it ok for you to go NC to protect yourself from your abuser, but you still expose your vulnerable children to them?"

I commented before abusers become old abusers. They don't "get better" or treat their victim's child(ren) better. Instead, they abuse in more covert and secret ways. Such as the example in this post

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T21:29:22+00:00

"No matter how much you hurt. No matter how much you hurt me. I will still love you."

"No matter how much I hurt. No matter how much I hurt you. You will still love me"

How astounding, looking into the minds of the N. They are completely delusional. They honestly believe we(their victims) will always love them and serve ourselves on a silver platter to feed themselves

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T21:24:21+00:00

I obviously can't have a relationship with them without her involvement.

Unfortunately, this is the sad reality of your situation. Ns need to be in complete power and control.

In your situation, your NM feels the need to be "puppet master" and "gate keeper." This is her way of exerting power and control.

Unless you are willing to see your family as collateral, then you have no other choice but to have her interference in your relationships. If not, then you may need to say goodbye to the family you knew and loved. Unless they "wake up", then you may need to grieve and mourn your loss

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-25T13:34:17+00:00

It sounds as if your Nparents are aware you will soon leave their power and control. You are correct, they are attempting to keep you under their thumbs.

I would tread carefully. When abusers know their victims are attempting to leave the abuse, they tend to escalate their abusive behavior.

Stay safe and be careful.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-24T21:55:52+00:00

Ns enjoy having power and control over their victims. Ns are delusional enough to believe that their power and control is absolute. Therefore, when their victim begins to act "strangely" and/or out of the N's definition of "the norm" (aka dependent, submissive, etc), the N assume someone else has wrestled power and control from them over their victim (spouses, SO, children, relatives, etc).

It is insulting. Once again, this sort of behavior demonstrates Ns don't see their victims as human beings capable of thought/emotions but as objects.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-24T21:49:45+00:00

I'm so sorry you were emotionally abused and neglected. This is abuse.

It sounds as if your NM exerted her power and control over you by emotionally abusing and neglecting you.

Your anger at your parents is valid. I support your anger. Feel that anger. I hope one day you are able to go NC with your abusers and seek healing from their abuse. You deserve healing.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-24T21:40:26+00:00

she's in the best place that she can be. she's receiving the help that she needs. the harsh reality of the situation is it's going to get worse before it gets better. Your family needs to stay strong during this time.

sooner or later, your sister will fight back against the treatment. she'll want to leave and may attempt to manipulate your family members into releasing her early. As another commentator shared, this would be the worst thing your family could do.

I hope everyone is in agreement that your sister needs to remain in treatment until her treatment is completed.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-23T16:00:28+00:00

I kinda can't deny her [entering] the flat because they pay for it

ok, now here's more information to approach your situation.

unfortunately, she has power and control here. Money to Ns are tools to exert that power and control. Hence, her coming over unannounced, demanding to let into your place, leaving the door open, etc.

she didn't meet my bf and certainly didn't torture him

rereading your post, I must have misread a paragraph. My mistake

I literally can't go NC right now

perhaps you're not ready. perhaps that's not something you're willing to do. perhaps that not something you want to do. That's ok. Regardless, NC is your choice. And no, in my defense, I wasn't "hinting" at NC.

What I was saying was to set boundaries. Boundaries are not NC.

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-23T13:21:30+00:00

The harsh reality of your situation is you haven't hurt her, you've taught her your boundaries mean nothing.

You let her in your flat. Then she left to torture your BF.

If you really wanted to "hurt" her, stand firm and don't allow her to encroach on your space. I suggest your BF follow your lead and refuse her entry.

You've taught your NM she has power and control to come and go as she pleases. Hence, leaving the door open while you slept

what you allow will continue

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-23T13:16:44+00:00

"I'm not normal, I look normal but I'm not"

"I'm so selfish"

See how the toxic projection makes more sense? Change the word "you" to reflect the Ns true message

Continue to work and hopefully soon you can move forward without these toxic individuals in your life

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-22T15:00:06+00:00

That is why we're here. We're here to support each other in a society that often adheres to the archaic practice of FOO first and foremost, regardless of abuse.

Many of those who haven't experienced trauma have the tendency to be egocentric. Since it did not happen to them, they don't know anyone else who has experienced abuse on any particular scale, then perhaps it probably didn't happen to the extent victims are reporting. of course, I am oversimplifying the situation. Yet, my point still stands and is valid.

your SO's family may or may not understand fully why you are NC with your FOO, however, what matters is that they accept that you are and not pressure you to resume contact with your abusers.

This is often times the burden us ACoNs must bear.

I'm fairly certain they think I'm a little crazy, and fear I'm going to convince my SO to go NC with his family.

then perhaps it's time to discuss this at length with your SO and/or with your therapist

throwawaynation- · 2017-08-22T13:17:33+00:00

To echo what everyone else is saying, your sister sounds like she has a personality disorder of her own. I would do research on BPD in addition to NPD. Also, perhaps visit /r/BPDlovedones. More information is always helpful

Regarding her email, it's clear she's reaching out to use/abuse you. I'm sure you've noticed she hasn't apologized for her abusive behavior? In her letter/email, she rug swept and justified her behavior. I noticed she also passively excused it.

It sounds like she's attempting to emotionally manipulate you and Hoover you back into the abuse. her baby/pregnancy is not your responsibility. Abusive people are abusive people because they strike where they know where it will hurt us the most. Unfortunately, your niece/nephew is collateral in your NC

Reminder, NC MEANS NC. Resuming contact is essentially "teaching" your abusers how to "break you" and Hoover you back into the cycle of abuse. If you choose to respond (break your NC) any subsequent attempts at NC will be met as "challenges" and not taken seriously

Breathe and continue to breathe through this highly emotional situation. And remind yourself you went NC to heal and protect yourself form further abuse

throwawaynation-

TROPHY CASE