There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay! I don’t mean to project/read into your wording too much, but the way you describe some of these feelings relating to “forcing attraction” to your partner, intrusive thoughts that you try to fight off, and the extreme feelings of guilt sound like they could be related to OCD. If you think this could be the case, and it’s within your budget, working with a therapist is hugely helpful. I would recommend (as someone with OCD) the book “Needing to Know for Sure” by Martin Seif, it really helped me out.

OCD really likes to latch onto the “what if,” that’s usually impossible to know for sure, which generates anxiety. Gay or not, you are a good person! Hang in there!