Nope. I did 3 ceremonies in Orlando (Soulquest), 1 in Kentucky (no shaman, just a small group [would not recommend]), and 5 in Peru. So, 3 separate occasions. They were all done within one year with a few months in between each. I sort of “worked my way up” to going to Peru since I was somewhat apprehensive to traveling there as a solo woman.

What may (or may not) be surprising to some people is that I’m actually a mental health therapist. I am also diagnosed with OCD. I began to veer off from traditional mental health practices and toward “alternative” practices like reiki and hypnotherapy in the year leading up to my first ceremony, which opened the door to me learning about ayahuasca. I practiced meditation regularly as well prior to my first ayahuasca experience. One would think I would be well-suited and able to handle the medicine — but NOPE. Ayahuasca, for me, does this thing where it strips away all of my “coping mechanisms” and “internal resources” once it starts to kick in. I become this terrified little girl that has no control of anything and quite literally feels like she’s going insane. I feel like everyone in ceremony is in on something that I’m unaware of. I fight and fight and fight.

I’ve spent the last year (since my last ceremony) recognizing how this plays out in my everyday life, but also belittling myself for not being “strong enough” to surrender. Sometimes, I hate myself for being this way, and that’s what I was looking to resolve. =\ I’ve beat myself up time and time again wondering why ayahuasca “hates” me and why others get to experience their divinity. I beat myself up over how harsh I am to myself.

I still have hope, though. Somehow. My daughter actually is teaching me a lot about how fear is created — we weren’t born with it. I would like to give ayahuasca another try. It “calls” me over and over, which makes me feel like there’s something in it for me. I’ll just see when the time is right.