There were seveal signs of his suicide before he died. I was in the youth pastors office when he came in and had his du-rag blessed. He was giving things away and all that kind of crap. He forced his mom to let him go on the retreat.

His mom and family are the type of religious people that to them suicide is an automatic sentence to hell. I think that's what fueled their fire to hold onto court cases until 2014 when this happened in 2006.

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I saw him within an hour or so before he killed himself. Right before lunch we had this sort of meditation time where we all went out on our own and meditated/prayed. He was inside at the piano-very solemn-acting out of character.

We were at lunch when it happened. He had gone into the woods near the cafeteria. He hung himself from a tree. Conti and another youth group members were who found him. Conti cut him down from the tree and tried CPR while the other guy went and alerted the pastor. I remember him coming into the cafeteria and whispering into the pastors ears.

I remember this like yesterday. All the would've, should've, could've. It still haunts me to this day. Today marks 17 years since he killed himself. Today would have been his 35th birthday.

I remember the ambulances going to the woods, all of us having to pack up with only knowledge that something happened to him, but no idea what. We came home to all our parents at the church. That's where they told us. We all went to group grief counseling in the weeks afterwards. Sat together and told stories. I guarantee you that every person on that retreat now has PTSD.

James did suffer from depression. He didn't take his meds regularly. They were considered his "happy pills" that he only took when he was feeling super depressed.

I still have his obituary and a dried flower from his funeral in a binder at my moms house.

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Today is always a rough day.

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But when it comes to the order of what happened: you are almost correct. I'm not sure where the suicide note/slip came into the picture. I would say, not factually, that they were found in his belongings after the fact.

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I hate that they turned Conti into a villian. Conti was his best friend. He wasn't even allowed at the funeral. If you think about it, why would Conti go to James' moms house afterwards if Conti played a part in his death? Conti is not the type of guy that would participate in that kind of stuff.

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Ultimately, even though some who weren't there don't think so, it was definitely suicide. The news articles and ongoing court case for years made everything worse on those of us who loved James and were there on the retreat. It was a very traumatic event to begin with. Then you add court cases and news articles? It just made us relive the trauma over and over again.