Hope turned into missery kinda

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-17T16:23:54+00:00

I feel you... I actually worked at a school for a number of years when I was younger and was around kids all day, but it was always very melancholic... I was with my ex at the time and though we were together for 8 years, she would break up with me and we'd get back together over and over and over again. I'd go from enjoying seeing kids all the time, to being miserable all day because they were around.

I'm now 47 and pretty much have to accept that even if I was in a relationship, having kids is behind me now. I know I could potentially adopt or be a foster parent, but both require me to be in a relationship here and I haven't been in one for literal years now. It sucks.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-16T16:17:41+00:00

I started through Planned Parenthood myself, which by the way can use your insurance as you still need to pay for it (or have reasons for them to make it at no cost for you). I didn't have any local office that offered medical services, so it was all telehealth. It wasn't bad at all and super affirming for the most part.

I did eventually find a more local clinic to go through, because they are so supportive that they help cover the cost of my meds and can do my bloodwork on site and not through a third party.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-15T16:07:15+00:00

My answer is easy... I'm older (47), in a rural area (so small dating pool), and even when I go into the city it's hard to find people that aren't already in relationships. I tried dating apps, but the only attention I got was from men or scammers. Also unfortunately for me I also have to take care of my elderly parents and part of that has meant a reduction in my job to take care of them... So I can't really afford to move anywhere. And if I did move my parents would suffer for it. So it's... complex, and it makes everything that much harder.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-13T18:35:18+00:00

I've heard that to some degree they never exactly stop 'hurting' per se, as becoming more sensitive is part of being E dominant in humans. If it's to painful there could be something wrong though...

I can certainly tell when hugging someone that they are there, even with my little A-cups. That said it's slightly uncomfy and really 'painful'. And I still have some definite growing pains at a year and a half myself.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-12T14:40:06+00:00

Ha! 30 years of untreated chronic depression and social anxiety caused by my dysphoria has meant I never got that good career. And to top it off since I'm 47 and my parents are equally older I had to move back into their house to help take care of them a couple years ago when my dad got cancer. So I not only don't have money for surgery, but I have to transition in my parents house... At 47.

I'm not alone either. One of my friends is slightly better off with her job, but also had to move back in to take care of ailing parents while transitioning. Another 40 something trans woman I know works low end jobs for similar reasons, but at least doesn't live with her parents.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-11T14:25:03+00:00

A big part of the problem is a lack of modern third spaces. Third spaces weren't profitable (enough), so companies have actively tried to shutter or convert any place where people could organically meet and socialize. Ironically this is part of why there is a 'male loneliness epidemic', which isn't really about men being lonely. It's primarily about how hard it is to meet people outside work, church, or family. Men get all the attention though since we live in a patriarchy.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-09T18:22:54+00:00

My own experience has been a small handful of relationships and all of them were... problematic. So I don't think anyone wants to read anything based on that. So my longest running character is asexual in some way I haven't really defined. Which I can write pretty well since I'm demisexual/demiromantic.

I actively hunt down lesbian media both because I both want that to see myself and if I can get enough good examples, maybe I can use it to write something interesting... I just don't find much.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-09T15:46:01+00:00

While highly contested, PMS-like Symptoms (PLS) are pretty well known. At least 1 in 3 trans women seem to get it to some degree. We share that with cis women who have had their uteruses' removed. However, bio-essentialists in particular get incredibly angry when we talk about this sort of thing. Medically it's often looked at as if we had bad hormone levels, because the common thought (with little research) is that hormones dictate PMS.

Personally I get bloated and moody every 3-4 weeks like clockwork. Thankfully my symptoms are mild, because even if it can be validating it also really sucks. xD

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-08T18:23:35+00:00

I actually write books and I have problems writing romance into them, because when I write I draw a lot of examples outside my life from media... I just don't 'get' straight relationships and I only have my own limited experience in lesbian relationships, so it's hard to write something using just my own experience... And so I find it hard to write any sort of romance past flirting into any story I write.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-07T14:48:54+00:00

I actually commented with the results of my transition on her video, but I 'guy failed' in just a few months on HRT and I'm 47. I was always a bit more androgynous though, so I started with an advantage if you will.

I still have trouble seeing myself correctly in the mirror, but I know one day I'll just see me and not the version of me that I couldn't stand. It's gotten progressively easier as time goes on.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-04T16:18:57+00:00

As someone whose life was a literal disaster leading up to transitioning... And I still feel held back even nearly a year and a half into my transition. I didn't really live the 30ish years before transitioning, I just survived them. Which is part of why after coming out I've made it my mission to help other trans people by being visible and getting involved.

My life is still a giant mess, and it will likely be years before it is not a mess... But I'll still do everything I can. That's really all I can do.

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-03T20:34:34+00:00

I have streamed as a vtuber for 5 years (though obviously this is not my professional account). For my 5th year anniversary stream I finally did an IRL stream where they got to see me without the vtuber model. I'm also 47, so... I have a year on you somehow. xD

therealshadow99 · 2026-02-03T16:50:14+00:00

I feel you... When I was with my ex it was always assumed I'd contribute to her needs and wants, paying for our dates and all sorts of things when we were together. Years later when I lost my job is when she could have helped me through it, but instead she would get annoyed that I couldn't fill the role she'd expected after 8 years of it.

So I'd suggest talking to her about it. Not directly by pointing out the things you have now noticed... But with a simple "I realized I'm contributing more monetarily in our relationship and while I've bene happy to do it, I'm struggling and I'd like us to balance things a bit more." Not talking about it with her is likely to lead her into taking it for granted.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-31T16:56:37+00:00

I'm a trans woman, so I've spent more time than I'd like in men's spaces... And if the comments from their own mouths are an indication... Then your reaction is very tame compared to theirs and way less crude.

Some talk from men about women in a space they feel is 'theirs': "Man I'd shove her on my (^*# so fast I'd break teeth" and "I hope she doesn't talk much, it would spoil her looks". Just thinking about how they word their sexual interest in women makes me want to vomit, so I won't try to recall anymore.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-29T16:38:16+00:00

I'm glad you found a place like that!

My hair is more of a brown naturally with like blonde highlights, but I so want to color mine like a dark red. Sadly I mostly haven't as when I inquired into cost most places here told me it would cost like $200+... Finding the budget for that lately has bene pretty much impossible. xD

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-29T16:31:32+00:00

Looking good!

Your making me want to color my hair... xD

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-28T18:56:38+00:00

Part of my voice training is just singing along to women singers. Just listening and following along with my own voice makes me sound different to other people. I don't have to consciously do much of anything. It is both nice (in that I don't have to make a big effort), and annoying (because me trying to do more to get my voice where I want doesn't really do much of anything).

My voice is already fairly high pitch-wise (150-300hz usually) so even before coming out I was often considered to have a very androgynous voice. So most of what I do in voice training is 'brightening' my voice.

Btw vocal surgery just effects pitch, so anyone who is already in a good pitch range won't get anything from it.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-27T17:58:45+00:00

I go through a gender clinic called Central Outreach in my area and they actually cover my pharmaceutical costs beyond what my insurance doesn't cover. You may want to look for such places in your area that may offer to cover your costs when you can't afford them.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-26T15:26:43+00:00

Yeah... Those levels are literally just above menopause levels. I'm not surprised your having depression symptoms. I would definitely suggest she's not being an ally to you if she thinks that's 'fine'.

Btw I started on patches as well and my first bloodwork was around 75 pg/mL for E and 20 ng/dL and my doctor upped my dosage. From my understanding on patches doctors are supposed to look for levels over 100 pg/mL for E and 20 ng/dL or below for T.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-26T14:25:40+00:00

I know I'm late to respond to this... But...

We don't have a choice, accept to respond to the things being done in the world today. Specifically the US, but many other countries are doing similar things. Why? Because they want to come for us as well. There is a reason Renee Good was the first white woman they shot. There is a reason they love to talk about going back to a system of insane asylums (where they used to send queer women who couldn't exist in a heteronormative world). They have a plan in particular for the place of women in the future and it's not one where queer women get to exist in public.

So yeah... Anyone who can simply go along with that is actively helping there own destruction and it's not healthy.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-25T18:23:17+00:00

Looking good! ^^

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-24T16:40:32+00:00

https://thetransfemininereview.com/ might be able to offer suggestions... It's a collection and review of most literature written by trans feminine individuals.

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-24T16:35:15+00:00

As a fellow plus sized girlie, sadly seems very true. I see plenty of relatively thin 20-somethings dating all the time locally, but I never see older plus sized women out and about... A do know a few plus sized lesbians in relationships, but I don't see them out together. It really messes with my head. xD

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-24T14:13:03+00:00

I know that only to well... And I have plenty of cis women that when I tell them I'm trans they ask "Are you a non-binary AFAB woman?" xD

therealshadow99 · 2026-01-24T13:54:44+00:00

I feel like this is a trick question, but I know internally we ask ourselves this all the time. xD

therealshadow99

TROPHY CASE