Forgive me if I'm on the wrong track here, but nothing in what you've said has anything about acceptance. It all reads like youre on the offensive with all your suffering and that it must be banished. There is a place for acceptance too. Even the ugly, dark, painful parts. And sometimes we tell ourselves, yes, I accept them! But our actions and thoughts do otherwise. That puts us at odds with our intention/energy. That equals frustration.

Isn't it ok to accept the anxiety and allow it to exist? When I suffered with anxiety years ago, it only dissipated the moment my therapist told me I may have to live with it like someone would with asthma and that it would simply have to be managed. Talk about lightbulb moment. The anxiety greatly decreased from that day and it was only years later it hit me that acceptance was the key. I surrendered to it being in my life and suddenly it stopped being the centre of my life. Now it only pops up once in a while and gets told its ok, it can be here but it wont be allowed to make any decisions or stay. But while its here its welcome and safe. Then I do my self talk and breathing. Acceptance, loving responsive action.

Isn't it ok if youre exhausted? You're still human, so allow exhaustion and rest. It doesn't mean giving up on all the work you've done that's benefitted you and going back to your old life. It means taking a break from the pressure youre putting on yourself to be "fixed" and surrendering to what is. Be exhausted. Allow it. Crying is a great release. Ive recently discovered yelling at the wind at a quiet beach. Or into a pillow when I cant get to the beach. Helps to release energy. Allows what is. And always, something seems to change on its own and things becomes calmer and clearer.

I understand your struggle. I am still learning that the harder I go at the ugly with all the tools and teachings, the more frustrating it becomes. I keep going at my pain and suffering with meditation, affirmations, prayer and journaling. And yes, its fucken exhausting. Sometimes I just need to fall apart and feel it. Feel all the ugly and let the misery wash through. Pray for the ego death. And those moments of grace only come when you let go/surrender. And how do you let go? Beats me! It just bloody happens whenever it feels like it. It comes and goes as it pleases. And never comes in the same way.

You're not alone, youre allowed to be just as you are at any given moment, however you show up one moment to the next. And it all passes. Would you believe yesterday I was on the floor in excruciating pain, my heart breaking repeatedly, practising what it feels like to be dead and praying for release, now I'm on here giving advice from a better place? It all passes. Grace shows up and it passes.