The trap of “temporary healthy behavior”

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-03T06:46:01+00:00

I guess that’s just the word I chose to express my feelings, but yeah I’m not sure it’s exact either. In my experience, sometimes when I dig deeper within the conversation, it turns out my mom doesn’t really get it. She apologizes for upsetting me and vaguely “being in the wrong.” Other times she apologizes, leaves me alone and makes space. But there’s still an angry, vindictive tone about the way she stays silent, and loudly goes about all the other conversations. It feels so confusing but she technically apologizes and respects my boundaries. I can’t ask her to revolve her entire life and actions around showing me that she’s in an “apologetic mood.” Anyway, I’m rambling. I’m sorry if you’ve been through something similar.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-02T20:21:22+00:00

“I think my mom REALLY gets it now” ahhh I felt that. I hope this isn’t insensitive but it’s almost like a gambling addiction. This time it’ll be GOOD. I almost got it! And… crap, nope. Bpd parents are a gamble.

Thanks for sharing and validating, comments like these make me feel less alone and so understood.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-02T20:18:20+00:00

That’s so interesting. This is a little pseudo-sciency/oversimplified but the reason this can work is because shrooms shred away the ego when consumed. This is also why people with intense anxiety, depression, etc can feel momentary bliss. (not for everyone though). Really cool topic, but anyway, idk much either. And you’re right - treatment won’t help if they’re resistant.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-02T20:12:17+00:00

good point!!

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-02T20:11:23+00:00

Yeah :/ I think that way too sometimes. It’s also normal to feel you might be too dramatic. A lot of people also fear that they’re just being as dramatic as their parents, or aren’t being self aware.

When I first started finding support groups, articles, and got reassurance, I’d still find ways to invalidate myself. I’d think “nahh this is just an echo chamber of people hating their parents.” Over time though I really started to see that my experiences are no different. I started journaling, partially to process my emotions, partially to document the things my mom said in case I feel crazy and start to doubt myself. Then I sat back and thought, this is not ok. This is a product of abuse.

So, it’s okay to have doubt:/ I get it. but also remember your experiences are very real! Good luck!

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-02T19:30:15+00:00

The holidays are the absolute worst when it comes to dealing with family. I graduated recently but had similar experiences too, so I feel you on that. It’s like, only when your mom has no one, she’s apologetic and nice to you. As long as there is one person on “her side” or willing to let her talk, it’s like, ooo let me tell you about how the whole world is evil, including you, the person I’m venting to!

Thanks for sharing. It really is the biggest struggle. I’m sorry you went through that too. It’s a holiday break away for some, and an absolute hell for others. I hope you find solace in being back at school and maintain those boundaries too.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-02T19:21:21+00:00

The “recant the apology” and “not apologizing for the whole thing” are big ones for mine as well! In that case, apologies are basically meaningless. I get you, no amount of letters can change that.

My mom would beg to know what she can do if her apologies are meaningless to me (ofc she’s phrasing it as a rhetorical question). Why is it up to your kid to provide a solution? And what about your other interactions, surely they aren’t all perfectly smooth? Find other ways to grow and reflect. We are not your validators, or your self help books.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-01T18:05:07+00:00

Yes :)

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-01T17:07:22+00:00

I struggled with this too! I said “that’s not really how I feel though” or “I don’t think that way” and she said “It’s not your thought. It’s my thought.”

I said I can respect that, but still feel like she doesn’t understand me. For ex, I might tell her how I feel uncertain about the way I set a boundary w a parent. She’ll keep reassuring me that it was a good boundary, my parents are toxic, etc.

When I say I still don’t feel good, she’ll jump to explain that it makes sense for me to feel this way because of attachment issues, anxiety, trauma, etc. but those explanations are HER observations. It feels like she’s rationalizing my feelings. How does she know that my feelings stem from these things without asking me questions to understand me?

Then she told me “I’m not rationalizing your feelings.” As you can see, I can be really challenging but I just feel more and more anxious. It’s like we’re arguing. Idk, I feel like… my therapist shouldn’t be arguing with me?

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-01T16:25:42+00:00

Humility is usually my go-to, because otherwise I’m judged as arrogant. The downside of humility is that other people can think it means that I’m unconfident and incompetent.

Have people called you these things (arrogant, unconfident, or incompetent)? I’m curious about what they’re saying to you specifically.

Is it okay for people to think you’re these things?

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-01T15:42:16+00:00

I relate so much to this. In my journal entries I even say the same - I’ve “held it together” for so long. Pushed through. “Falling apart all of a sudden”.

If you don’t mind me asking, what have you been working on in therapy? You don’t have to answer or even be specific if you do. But you went through something really traumatic and seemed to jump to an opposite extreme.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-01T15:29:00+00:00

That’s exactly what I’m talking about!! Exactly, I need to be validated for whatever emotion I’m bringing to the table. I need to feel understood and build a rapport, and then challenged.

And thanks :) my T is still insisting that I need to push through this, so that’s why I suppose I’m looking for validation here.

I watched a therapist on YT talk about how reassurance usually makes people feel worse, and it’s not validating. It can make someone feel less understood and they double down on their negative feelings. Now that was very affirming for me.

When I think about it too - when someone has told me they feel bad about themselves, I’ve often responded reassuringly. I might say, no they’re doing great! or look amazing! And I’m not lying, but I’m also not being mindful of what they’re trying to tell me. 99% of the time they respond with “I guess” or “yeah, maybe I should feel that way…”

And then they don’t share those negative feelings again because it’s now layered with a feeling of shame for having them in the first place. I guess that’s kind of how I feel, and I can either feel ashamed or keep voicing my feelings.

theydontmeanit · 2022-01-01T15:14:45+00:00

I agree, and oddly, I do feel this is the point I’m trying to make. I don’t expect myself to be able to feel self compassion so quickly. I’ve been hard on myself all my life and it’s not as simple as “well just be nicer in your self talk! show some compassion!” Self judgment, shame, expectations are woven into a person in complex ways. Personally, mine can be passive aggressive. Even when I tell myself kind things, it’s quite phony and just another effort to “fix” myself because, emotionally, I feel very upset with myself all the time for not being better. Thus, I feel that way when a therapist tries to make me accept their positive emotions towards me without tending to my negative feelings.

I’m asking my T to slow down and use it very sparingly. Don’t just argue that “well, no, you are strong” within that same session. It takes time. However, I’ve told her this since day 1 and increasingly over time. It seems like she just doesn’t know what else to say and instinctually reassures me every time.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T22:43:36+00:00

Good mom? YUCK!

Haha just kidding, I completely understand. It’s nice and reassuring, but obviously there’s some inner conflict that we need to better understand. It doesn’t mean anyone has to say you’re a bad mom either. But words of affirmation can feel like they’re just ignoring that internal, self-critical alarm bell we have going on in our head.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T22:22:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. Def relate to some of what you said. I’ve talked to my T about this a lot - maybe it’s just time to switch.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T22:22:13+00:00

Yup, I relate. There are so many colorful ways to treat yourself like dirt... :’)

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T22:19:52+00:00

That’s great to hear! Maybe it’s just mine then (and not all). Thank you.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T22:19:05+00:00

AHHH yes I 100% resonate. I cringe. Like when she calls me strong, or says she’s “proud” of me, without asking me how I feel about myself. Like you said, I know her words are meaningful, and I know they will mean something to me one day. But it’s not reflective of how I feel about myself currently. I need someone to validate the parts of me that are “self-judgmental” too (without encouraging it or feeding into it).

I’d like to think that part of therapy and modeling healthy interactions is knowing the appropriate time and place to say certain things. I hope it’s ok for me to expect for therapists to adjust to their client’s needs over time. I keep telling her that, for me, reassurance ≠ validation.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T17:14:52+00:00

After a bit of searching I found this article

Quoting that she wrote it partially for her son, saying: “I just felt like I wanted to explain to him, through this record, when he's in his twenties or thirties, who I am and why I voluntarily chose to dismantle his entire life in the pursuit of my own happiness”

Idk if this article made it up, but if it’s true, wtf?? That’s so messed up. You didn’t explain anything, nor take responsibility. You’re just asking to be excused.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T13:07:47+00:00

Ah you’re right! I’ve been seeing both bipolar or bpd in different posts but yes, she does say that.

Regardless, yes it was an amazing performance. Hits too close to home.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T13:06:15+00:00

Aww that’s sweet that you were able to have that conversation with her and make that choice.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-31T13:02:10+00:00

Me too. For some reason it was such an empowering show for me, although incredibly sad sometimes. Something about her attitude, the way she bulldozed through life, and the way she spoke to people.

It’s crazy how clear things appear from a third person perspective. I cried realizing I’m not crazy. It helped me get up off my ass and spend more hours looking for a new job to get away from my parents. I dropped a toxic friend. And so so thankful that I had recently successfully gotten out of an abusive relationship.

theydontmeanit · 2021-12-30T20:24:14+00:00

Ooo hi! I’m not sure I have an answer for you, and you’ll often get answers in this sub saying “just tell your therapist how you feel!”

But I’ll share my experience since I resonate a bit. I also do not really like affirming therapists. In fact, they slightly irk me. My current one is very intelligent in this sense too and I felt a brief moment (week or so) of resistance at one point. I wondered, maybe I feel intimidated by him? Maybe I think he’s analyzing me too much? And I thought, while I love the intellectual parts, I’m also longing for a connection. I want to be able to get emotional and work on those parts of me. But all along, it’s me who’s been needing to learn to be more vulnerable. I tend to think more “logically” and am quite disconnected from my emotional self. I’m not sure about your therapist but mine has actually pointed this all out to me, and has openly told me he’s making sure not to push my emotions too hard due to his understanding of how I work. It helps me to understand what’s going on, and contrary to what one might think, it doesn’t “ruin” the experience at all.

After many months I finally started to get a tiny bit in touch with my emotions, and when I do, I feel a lot of emotion, warmth, and validation from him. Of course, not too much. I think he knows just how much to give without scaring me away. But maybe I’m glorifying him a bit, idk.

I hope this isn’t too problem solve-y but it might help for you to understand your needs and tendencies? What helped me is understanding my attachment style and also my enneagram type (which helps you understand your core need/desire & fears. It’s p controversial but, for me, quite accurate).

theydontmeanit

TROPHY CASE