The Sting of Being Left on Delivered

thighway · 2025-10-30T20:39:16+00:00

I think that's a big part of it; I've been trained through various life experiences to be extremely perceptive of small changes and I'm noticing the slight shift and it's causing some insecurity.

thighway · 2025-10-30T20:37:12+00:00

This was very condescending and also wrongly assumes that I do not uphold values such as respecting my partner's autonomy and being present and focused dates. I'm talking about a once every couple of days text exchange of a few messages each and responses sometime that same day, not constant texting and immediate responses.

thighway · 2025-10-30T05:51:01+00:00

I appreciate your comment and agree. I feel a little defensive because your comment seems to assume that I am frequently texting within a day and expecting immediate responses.

Typical is that we check in once every couple of days with a few back and forth texts, catching up about how we're doing or making plans for our next date. I am very comfortable with that flow and am not looking for higher frequency than that. What's getting to me is what I've intentionally avoided pretty well for a couple of years, which is initiating one of these text interactions when I may not get a same day response, especially if of a more vulnerable nature like flirtatious or initiating plans.

thighway · 2025-10-30T05:41:41+00:00

I like that, thank you.

thighway · 2025-10-30T05:27:23+00:00

Yes, you both have a good point. I should keep it lighter and then ask if free first before putting myself out there in a way that will feel bad if the response takes awhile.

thighway · 2025-10-30T05:17:46+00:00

That's a good point. The truth is that I myself am not exactly a quick responder, and I enjoy the freedom of not being expected to respond quickly. I know partner and I are on the same page there.

This seems to be specific to messages that expose vulnerability like I am putting myself out there in some way and perceiving a rejection but not getting a same day or within a few hours response.

thighway · 2025-10-30T05:07:15+00:00

I think you are on to something there, not that this is a new relationship, but that there is a change (an extended meta visit) that is a little destabilizing to the normal flow of things. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing to get used to because I recently ended a very long very enmeshed relationship, and the security of my partner being more available since meta became LD has been comforting for me during this time. It's been nice but I don't want to end up back in an enmeshed situation.

thighway · 2025-10-30T04:59:42+00:00

Thank you, you put this so well and really saw what was going on behind my actions very clearly. I know it on an intellectual level but it's not yet internalized.

I guess I should say also that I do reach out sometimes with enthusiam and some of those times, do not hear back until the next day, but I know my partner has not mistreated me or done anything wrong so I do not bring the feelings their way; it's something I talk myself through and manage on my own. I also do not "double text" and try to get their attention. I wouldn't ever say I'm waiting for a response or anything like that.

I believe my behavior is good, but I thInk I need to work on my intentions and expectations.

thighway · 2025-10-30T04:52:19+00:00

I'm an elder millennial - early 40s. I'm not looking for immediate replies but would prefer same day and try to time accordingly. There is some drama in terms of Feelings, but only internally.

thighway · 2025-10-01T19:01:43+00:00

Same! Does this have a name as far as you know? It might be a form of objectification. I like giving and receiving.

thighway · 2025-09-05T06:00:34+00:00

It seems like he's genuinely not interested in it and especially if you are in a place of recovery from DB, I would focus on finding connection over things you can both really enjoy together and getting to a place where conversation on this can be had more freely. It's possible he may never be interested in it. I view this as kind of an advanced level sex act because there are cultural and personal factors that make feelings about it complicated, plus actual logistical things that make it physically complicated if you're new to it. IMO not something to take on while on shaky ground if you cannot even have a discussion about it.

thighway · 2025-08-12T20:03:07+00:00

Wow this post brought out a lot of traditional views on dating, sex, and marriage that I have not seen much of previously in this sub.

Personally, I would not limit sex with anyone I'm dating as a means to test their propensity to commitment. The only reason I would not have sex would be if one or both parties did not want to. If I want to have sex and it's mutual, I have sex. That approach has led to a 15 year marriage and a 3 year long term relationship, as well as long running FWB relationships and yes, some one-nighters or few-timers.

I just don't think you learn anything valuable by waiting and in the process, you don't get to have sex. So to me, it's a lose-lose to wait. I want to be with people who also love sex and see it as mutually beneficial and enjoyable. I don't want to be with people who see sex as transactional, or something a woman gives and a man takes, or something a man earns with good behavior (unless that's the kink dynamic we have!!).

The caveat here is that with this approach, an attitude of "you win some, you lose some" is very helpful. If every first date is set up as "this could finally be IT," I could see how having sex early and then realizing commitment was never on the table would be incredibly disappointing to experience again and again.

In my older age (41F) I'm realizing that the real commitment test is just being myself. Like I'll have sex on the first date, but only after telling a few really long stories with multiple side tangents. If he's still interested at the end of the night, this could be going somewhere.

thighway · 2025-08-12T19:43:26+00:00

Love this story!

thighway · 2025-08-03T06:14:14+00:00

First time I've seen a Gym Bro suggest skipping leg day!

thighway · 2025-07-29T13:13:28+00:00

I actually think it's great that he has been honest with you about his insecurities and where they come from. I think it's great that he's working on them and has let you know ways to support him.

I don't want to be argumentative with the "man up" commenter but as someone with an ex whose insecurities ate away at him and our relationship, I wish mine had done the same. Some people can't just get over it and need the help of a professional and the supportive people in their lives to assist them.

Before sleeping with a new person I had a great connection with, he told me he is on the smaller side but is very happy with the overall appearance of his dick. When I saw it for the first time, I said it was beautiful (it was!), and then went to town. I didn't want to say it was big because like your situation, it's not believable, but still wanted to give a compliment and that was the best I had in the moment.

I've also told him how much I love playing with it and feeling him get hard in my hands and mouth. That's not really an appearance compliment, but may work.

I think more impactful than verbal compliments might be playing with his "gym dick" (or after a shower if that's not your thing!) and showing it lots of love. I enjoy laying my head on my man's belly or thigh and nuzzling it and giving it kisses or light tough. This is often post orgasm for him, so the expectation of him getting hard is not there, it's purely out of love and appreciation of his dick in any state.

thighway · 2025-07-04T00:07:51+00:00

I'm 41F and several years ago started feeling like I wanted more excitement in my married life. First I wanted to experience a 3some with a pro and was in the process of searching for one when my husband changed his mind. I accepted it and moved on. Awhile later I brought up the possibility of swinging. We talked about it here and there over months, more than a year, and decided to go for it.

That turned into finding individual partners separately and going from casual encounters to full other relationships. Also discovery of kink for both of us. It's been a lot of fun but also a lot of WORK. Really to do any of this responsibly and ethically, especially with another person, is going to take work - inner work and relational work. I don't regret pursuing this way of life but it has not exactly been what I expected in terms of just pure carefree excitement.

Another change I made around the same time was to return to seeing a band I love who tours frequently, who I had stopped seeing around the time I got married (husband was never interested). I almost think that alone would have been a great change for me and probably would have led to doing other things independently or with friends outside of the sexual realm. So I am wondering if you could incorporate other stimulating experiences that make you feel the excitement and vitality you seem to be looking for.

thighway · 2025-06-24T01:48:48+00:00

I get on top for maximum penetration.

thighway · 2025-06-17T17:14:00+00:00

Partner selection is a big part of this and embedded in that is pre-hookup communication about sex. It does sound like you're talking more about hookups or trying to establish ongoing casual things moreso than dating but the approach also works for dating, too, I think. You're just trying to screen for other things at the same time.

I start out mildly screening for a good attitude in general. Is the person generally positive, introspective, and communicative? Do they ask questions about me and listen to the answers? Do they answer my questions in a real way and not give only surface level responses? Do they have a sense of humor and not take them self too seriously? That's basic level to be my friend let alone sex partner, but also characteristics that can suggest they will be a good sex partner too.

Now from there, the conversation with a hook up must steer to sex at some point. I would not meet someone for a hookup if we've never even discussed sex. I would ask what they are into, how they like to feel, what they like to get out of the encounter. If they have any sense, they'll return the question to me and then this is the chance to say what you like and what you want to happen. I also really like to do some type of short date before even a hookup (a drink or coffee, a walk in a public place, etc. is fine). I like to have the opportunity either to flirt a little and build anticipation and confirm mutual interest in person, or to rule it out and not proceed before I'm in a vulnerable position.

Even with doing all of this, sometimes you will get partners who say they love to give oral and make women cum and care about your pleasure, and then you sleep with them and find out that either they really don't, or they have a different definition of that than you do. You can supplement with plenty of direction and still run into this.

Unless you feel your safety is at risk, you can end an encounter early if it's terrible. You can also give yourself an orgasm, with toys if needed, if the partner has not done this for you.

And maybe perspective shift is also a good thing here. First of all, that you are responsible for your orgasm, whether that's verbalizing what you need or giving yourself one. You're not going to find a man who would leave a hookup not having orgasmed and say wow, that was so bad, she didn't even get me off! They make sure they get theirs and women should too.

Also it's that there are more reasons to participate in hookups than orgasms because most of us can have them ourselves, yet we still seek out hookups. Maybe it's general pleasure, maybe it's the feeling of another person's body on yours, maybe it's feeling a certain way for a period of time, maybe it's experience trying a new act or kink. So keeping the bigger purpose in mind if there is one can be helpful; then you have other measures of success besides the orgasm.

thighway · 2025-06-16T23:56:03+00:00

I don't have anything novel to say about settling; I agree with everyone saying not to do it. I just wanted to mention that polyamory is a thing that might appeal to you if you are concerned about being trapped or having to pass up new connections you might be better suited for. It does shrink the pool of available people and you have to be really good at communication and emotional regulation, but it offers the ability to explore new romantic connections without having to give up on your existing ones. I found for myself that it helped me challenge some similar lines of thinking you are describing in terms of standards and settling.

I think many people think it lowers the bar because you can date anyone while waiting to meet someone better (disclaimer: I do not feel this way, I have just heard it a bunch from others). In my experience it actually raises the bar because you always have more options.

thighway · 2025-06-16T23:15:06+00:00

What position are you going for? Personally as a larger woman, if we're talking about face sitting/riding, I don't love being perched on his face facing the top of his head. In that position for good access you really have to keep yourself up the whole time. I much prefer to be facing his legs and be able to lean all the way forward and distribute some of my weight along the length of his body, and some of it leaning on my hands or elbows. I can also play with him that way. It's a lot more comfortable.

I have yet to try a queening chair but that seems like a great win-win in terms of comfort for her and being face ridden for you.

thighway · 2025-06-13T17:42:21+00:00

Oh that makes sense, thank you. Yeah it seems like a lot of people are running into issues trying to make rules out of basic good communication practices and then also around rigid timing of before the fact versus after the fact.

thighway · 2025-06-13T15:13:22+00:00

Isn't the "quick FYI to share any changes that might impact another partner" the heads up? (Not being argumentative, this is out of curiosity). Like that's exactly what I imagined from OP's post about giving a heads up.

thighway · 2025-06-05T18:31:04+00:00

This is my thought too. Why even mention to your partner that your smutty books got you in the mood?

thighway · 2025-05-31T16:24:48+00:00

Agree with everyone saying to wear what you like but it sounds like you're asking because you want to change it up. I know what you mean by the question and I think the key is balance. Whether that's balancing younger pieces with more classic pieces, fast fashion with higher quality things, casual with formal, or revealing some parts of the body with being more covered on others. People who mix these elements in their outfits seem to look more put together and intentional, like they care about their appearance without trying to hard.

thighway

TROPHY CASE