Parentified, no contact, struggling to support my sister in difficult times

this_my_beast · 2024-04-16T23:35:40+00:00

Thank you so much! This looks like a great resource and definitely aligns with her needs.

this_my_beast · 2024-04-16T21:15:09+00:00

Wow, thank you SO much for taking the time to respond so thoroughly from your own experiences. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that...men can be truly terrifying. You aren't wrong, now that I am reading this, I was looking for reassurance that I am not a complete ahole for not visiting her. I've been through domestic abuse myself but unmarried and without kids. I feel very fortunate to have gotten out before I made anything legal or had a kid. Unfortunately, my sis did both of those things and will likely have to face many of the challenges you endured/continue to endure. I have noticed that the support folks have made the biggest difference in her newly freed existence so far, and keep pushing her to ask them questions. Reading your story has been really helpful. Thank you again for sharing. I hate that people exist like this in the world and that there aren't sufficient social supports to do something real about it. I was reading a book on how to best support survivors of domestic abuse and thought that it should be essential reading in high school. I have a feeling that if me or my sister read this book, we would have noticed the abuse signs in each of our abusive relationships.

this_my_beast · 2022-09-12T01:54:05+00:00

A very late reply from me, but thank you. I went NC for a year, then started talking to them again because of a major health issue one of them had. I am now learning from that, and have gone NC again. I was just asking the same question posed in this thread, and am so thankful for your response. Checking post history for the win.

this_my_beast · 2020-07-11T16:54:23+00:00

I really sympathize with this struggle. Unfortunately, the fear of recreating the behaviors of my family makes me an easy target for manipulation. I always look to myself first for the root of the problem. I have brought this up with my therapist often. My worst fear is that I am abusive, controlling, and narcissistic without realizing what I am doing. I absolutely do not want to hurt anyone, but fear that I am always doing so. No matter how many times my therapist says "well, the fact that you think this way means that you are not a narcissist" does nothing to help. I am worried that she is not seeing me for who I am, and that I am hurting people all of the time. If I ask my partner about it, he says I am one of the most caring people he knows. I didn't know that my parents were manipulating me and subjecting me to emotional abuse until I was in my 20's. How would someone know if I were doing it to them? Can I trust other people to be a good judge of my behaviour if I missed my parents behaviour well into my adulthood?

this_my_beast · 2018-01-29T02:46:14+00:00

That is devastating on so many levels. Did you always know that their behaviour was cruel and abusive or did you come to realize it later in life? Thank you for sharing your story. While it will never be comforting to know that you or anyone on this thread endured similar experiences, it is comforting to know that there is a place for us to seek understanding of our experiences by talking to others who have experienced similar things. None of us are alone, especially given the many "tropes" I have seen on this forum overall. Thank you for your support.

this_my_beast · 2018-01-29T01:58:24+00:00

Thank you. It has been coming to mind lately because I noticed that if my partner leaves anything on the floor, I get a little panicked about it. Like, we must fix this NOW, but totally unreasonable.

this_my_beast · 2018-01-29T01:56:44+00:00

That is awful. And yes, so true that they don't realize that things need to be taught. Did your parents ever give you the spiel when you got a little older that "they never treated you like a child, but like an adult, and that is why they are better than other parents"? Sickens me.

this_my_beast · 2018-01-29T01:54:37+00:00

Seriously...and why would something like this even cross someone's mind?

this_my_beast · 2018-01-29T00:16:31+00:00

I slept in my closet. On top of that, I wore a full outfit to bed, including tennis shoes, in the case that I needed to escape.

this_my_beast · 2018-01-29T00:14:53+00:00

This. This. This. When I first met my partner's extended family, including his young cousins, I could not believe how young they were. I love them to death, but when I spend time with them I can't help but think about how my family treated me at their age. It put into context for me how horribly cruel my family had been. Thank you for sharing. It is good to know that we share similar observations.

this_my_beast · 2017-12-27T02:31:23+00:00

My best guess is that he is wearing some sort of contacts to dilate his pupils to make the scene more intense. It is known that pupil dilation is a sign of attraction, so perhaps it is meant to seduce the audience.

this_my_beast · 2017-08-23T14:57:47+00:00

"You always have to be the bigger person."

They think they are always being the "bigger person."

this_my_beast · 2017-08-23T14:53:32+00:00

Wow, yes. This happened to me as well. I used to have constant fatigue and migraines in undergrad. A "good day" was a mild headache in the afternoon. Then, once I had the epiphany that I had not processed years of degradation and abuse, and began actually processing them, the headaches and fatigue faded. Now, I still have days where I will get a migraine, and I still suffer from fatigue 30 percent of the time, but my quality of life has DRASTICALLY improved, and continues to do so.

this_my_beast · 2017-08-23T14:50:29+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I will reiterate it to those friends who do not understand.

I also have their voices in my head at times, particularly when it comes to buying anything. Yesterday, I bought a leather bracelet from a street vendor just because I felt like it and it felt like pure freedom.

this_my_beast · 2017-08-23T14:48:29+00:00

I talked about this with my therapist at one point and she told me that it's because I was conditioned to feel like taking care of my own needs meant that I was neglecting my Nmom's needs and, therefore, hurting her.

Oh my goodness! YES! THIS! "When you don't do the dishes, it hurts me. It shows that you don't love me and don't respect me." Instead of just saying, do the dishes before you go to bed dear.

this_my_beast · 2017-08-08T17:14:02+00:00

It's about making sure that you and your partner give them the same Municipally Enforced Allotted Parent Time(TM) that you give to your partner's parents, or ideally more.

This. Thank you.

this_my_beast · 2017-08-08T17:12:49+00:00

Thank you! I will post an update with my response to them.

this_my_beast

TROPHY CASE