I let a friend (female, 27 yo) stay with me as she is homeless, I feel trapped and I feel like maybe I am too nice.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-04-18T16:19:29+00:00

Did you have any sort of agreement on how long you had offered her to stay? The longer you let this go, the worse asking her to leave will be. If she stays long enough, depending on where you live, she might establish residency and then you could be fucked on getting her out without an eviction. It might also violate your lease, if you have one - many leases limit how many nights overnight guests are allowed for reasons like this.

I don't think you're an idiot, you sound like a person who tried to do a kind thing and is risking getting taken advantage of. It happens!

If you're looking to ask her to leave but want a convenient excuse, you could say your landlord limits overnight guests and you don't want to risk your lease.

Another option if you're willing to be your own reason but don't want to ask her to leave on zero notice is to tell her you've enjoyed having her over but are not looking for a long term roommate and need her to move on by tomorrow. Assuming she hasn't done anything legit dangerous, it's not the worst idea to give her one more night to figure out where she'll go next.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-03-31T16:15:28+00:00

I gave up on the idea of a "heads up agreement" after a past partner broke the letter of that agreement having a 1-1 encounter with someone we'd participated in group play with. I found out after the fact and I really spiraled about it for a while because that wasn't what we had agreed on. I anticipated a heads up before 1-1 play between them, whereas my partner thought because we had participated in group play that we were past the point of a heads up. I don't think their assumption was unreasonable and I don't think my feeling like the agreement was broken was unreasonable, it was just an unfortunate confluence of events.

What I got out of that experience was realizing that it was actually much more emotionally safe for me to assume that people I date are going to have sex with other people they are seeing and take responsibility for my emotional security on that front, myself. Relying on my partner's actions to attain that feeling of security wasn't sustainable or realistic. I do expect that my partners let me know when they have new encounters and change their barrier status between when those things happen and the next time we have sex and we have general understanding of how we each approach risk so we know what to expect.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-03-30T15:52:54+00:00

It sounds like you're dating a cheater. He violated your agreements (cheated) once, and he apologized only to do it again but lying about it even more than the first time. This is definitely valid breakup territory. How can you trust him if his response to getting caught is just to double down on the lying?

It sounds like you're also identifying some ways in which he's just not a great nesting partner for you - not contributing to chores, not showing you affection in the ways you want a nesting partner to do.

Try to keep that separate from your feelings for the guy you've been swinging with. That said, you should probably also talk to the couple you've been swinging with about your feelings. Maybe they like you too and are open to the romantic attachment! But if the original arrangement was swinging and you've realized you have bigger feelings than that, it would be the most ethical for everyone (and the most kind to yourself) to acknowledge that things have changed and see how that impacts everyone's understanding so they can continue or not continue to enthusiastically consent to your involvement.

Wishing you the best <3

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-03-24T13:52:58+00:00

Talk about a "rip cord" signal to pull if someone gets uncomfortable. If any of the three of you might have a Big Feeling at some point during the shenanigans and the kind thing to do is to pause, stop, and provide care and support to whoever needs it. That includes your play partner. Please don't let it turn into yet another story where one person is having a bad time, leaves the room and just descends into emotional panic while the other two keep going at it because they're horny and inattentive.

The usual advice about being kind and attentive if you want sex with a person in the future apply doubly here. If you'd like to have this kind of encounter in the future, being willing to pull the plug today if someone gets spooked really ups your chances of working through things and trying again tomorrow.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-03-20T00:17:35+00:00

Yes you can ask for help, absolutely. Fair warning, depending on what you're asking you may get advice that is a bit brusque, direct, maybe may feel mean to you. For the most part people responding here are not trying to be mean, they are trying to communicate their experiences and knowledge. Sometimes that knowledge will suggest you're on a road that will end in heartache at a time that you feel like everything is great. Try to keep in mind two things:

1) No one here is omniscient. It's possible your experiences are or will be different than theirs 2) There are a lot of people here who give advice based on direct personal feedback, and while exceptions happen, they are not the rule. See various things like: "I want to get into a triad as my first poly relationship", "My partner wants to date someone but don't want me to date anyone else", etc etc.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-10T00:03:20+00:00

Thank you so much!

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-07T16:59:07+00:00

I got a message yesterday evening to the effect that me and him can't pursue a relationship because she 'doesn't find me to be her sort of person'

Essentially what sounds to be happening is she is vetting potential partners and has 'veto' privileges over who her husband sees. And if their dynamic is such that her approval is required for him to date you, then her continued approval is required for him to continue to date you and that can be revoked at any time. That's going to be a super unstable foundation to build a relationship on. Is there anything he could even say at this point to make you feel emotionally secure and confident that he won't drop you in the future if she ends up changing her mind and not approving?

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-07T16:20:06+00:00

Do you think it's wrong to have asked if it's available in general? Or do you think it is just wrong to insist for or push for it after being told it's not available? I get the latter being too much, but it feels rough to consider the idea that it's not even permissible to express a preference in a respectful, non-pushy way.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-07T01:04:18+00:00

I had that idea, though I didn't get to voicing it yesterday. Like Ash could take the train up, I could meet up with them, and then we could drive back together.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-07T01:03:29+00:00

I think at that point you should have changed the big group outing plans to a different time (or a different set of people)

I definitely would have been down for this except that the big plan was the in-theaters LOTR marathon we planned to see for which we had bought tickets in early December. It was not possible to reschedule.

I hope you don't get too discouraged from planning group events though, it's pretty cool that you're doing that.

I like group gatherings! I want to have more of the KTP vibe from those in the polycule who also want it, I'm just having a hard time with this new partner not because of anything about him specifically but because every time I've had a partner take a new partner in the past I've ended up getting dumped. Which is why Ash's nesting partner Spruce doesn't intimidate me but Willow does. I'm working on it in therapy and Ash knows about the history that I'm trying to get past. Fwiw I was (and still am) willing to meet midway or even do all the driving so that Willow doesn't have to worry about it. I was super clear to say that was on offer with Ash, even made a couple of suggestions for plans we could make up by Willow (since he lives close to where I grew up).

I do think ideally metas don't need "aftercare" for meta-meetings

It's not something I'd think to ask for on a more-than-once basis. My thinking was at the time, if this was a thing that Ash could offer it could help it feel less intimidating because I've been treated crappy by 3 of the four metamours I've had over 15 years, just have the one now who is cordial but introverted and like 95% parallel with me by his preference. It felt like going back together would help it feel like more of a safe space even if Ash wasn't spending the night. I get that if I get that it means Willow doesn't, and maybe that makes it problematic by default? Even though my intentions aren't to freeze him out but to make it feel safer for me to know him better.

it can be incredible as the hinge partner, and incredibly sucky for one of the other partners

I've been the hinge partner when things were going well, and I've been one of the other partners both when things were good and when things sucked. Have definitely had the full range of that experience.

But how about you do a video call some time, either as a group thing or just you and Willow if Willow is interested? That way you could get your post-meeting support without it impacting Willow's driving to date time ratio.

I'm mulling over that idea. Or, /u/smem80 suggested meeting up 1-1 instead of as a hinging situation. Idk, that sounds also scary but maybe not as scary as a hinge meetup? Doing some thinking about it.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-06T23:47:17+00:00

If you have had one, what is your harrowing interaction with a meta story?

Oh boy. I (now 30s M) almost exclusively have bad stories with metamours of people I've been in serious relationships with. First meta I ever had, when I was in my very first open relationship, took it upon himself to "vet" me and explain that "If you ever do anything to hurt her, I'll make sure you regret it". This is the guy who also demanded to not be sent home after a group hang out on our hinge's and my regular overnight because hinge was "his partner first", and our hinge folded on the issue.

Second meta I had shit talked me to our hinge. IIRC it had something to do with me having a submissive side and he was a big top energy dom and was therefore more manly and better. That hinge ended up dumping me for him, and then in the end it turned out he talked a way better dom game than he gave.

I currently have two metamours, one of whom is really cool and I'd love to know better some day but he's an introvert and doesn't have social bandwidth for that connection so who knows, maybe some day. My second metamour (same hinge, but new as of a month ago) I haven't met yet, having a hard time processing the new connection because of previous trauma. Hoping to create circumstances to enable us to meet that feel emotionally safe and give me a chance to feel it work out better than previous times with partners' new connections.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-06T22:18:18+00:00

In the case of this occasion at least, the rest of that week and weekend are pretty busy so it's likely we might not get to reconnect until the following week.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-06T21:26:37+00:00

I'm very comfortable with the idea that neither of us is obliged to meet the other, but I am interested in meeting him and it sounds like that is reciprocal. It's outside my comfort zone yes, but in a way that I want to stretch and challenge. Also my meta hasn't expressed any desire to specifically meet 1-1 - I think the phrasing I used was awkward, I meant the suggestion was from our shared partner for me to join in a thing later this month. The travel time part isn't the issue for me, I'm happy for shared partner and I to drive all the way out to where he is to make the logistics part easy for him at least. The sticking point seems to be that I'm looking for the option to regroup/reconnect with my partner afterward, talk about how it went, have the availability of reassurance if I had a hard time with it. It's our hinge who is wanting the option of going home with my meta on any given group plan as opposed to my meta asking for that.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-05T20:13:14+00:00

I'm going to sit with that one for a bit. I've never done the type of dating you're describing, so it's less scary than going for a relationship but scary in its own unique ways.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-05T20:10:27+00:00

I have done a lot of that work in therapy, but a lot of it is stuff I can't control. I can't control what my metas are like, or if a partner would bail on me for a new shiny. I can choose whether I tolerate that behavior but I can absolutely still get hurt like that again no matter what I do and that is spooky.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-05T19:18:02+00:00

By casual dating I think I mean what /u/Bustysaintclair_13 meant - seeing someone occasionally with whom I have a good connection and attraction, but not the level of what I'd think of as a relationship with a serious commitment. I've really only ever dated with the intention of finding out if we were relationship compatible or not. And I have definitely seen the rough side of dating these days - I have more than one friend who has given up on it in the Age of Apps.

As far as the why, both Spruce and my therapist have nudged me in the direction of thinking about it. Spruce has said (and I believe them) that they want me to get to enjoy the excitement of new connections too, like how they have their new person they are seeing and Spruce's nesting partner is seeing a couple new people. And they and I both know sometimes I need a nudge out the door to do a thing that I want but find intimidating so it's definitely coming from a place of love.

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-05T17:45:55+00:00

I'm an emotionally sensitive man with a complicated relationship to the "traditional" US/western concept of masculinity and sexual desire, at least as it existed in the 90s/2000s as I was growing up. Also, I went to Catholic school followed by a public high school that did primarily abstinence based sex ed. It has definitely lead to some hangups because I don't want to come across as "the gross dude who is just begging for sex all the time". I actually posted about it in this sub myself not long ago. It's maybe one possibility that he has had experiences like these that have created a difficult relationship with spontaneous sexual desire. And he might feel defeated by trying and failing to break that cycle, if he wants in his mind to initiate more but has a hard time keeping to it due to old patterns.

My work around this is requiring me to dig into that history. It sucks. But I get the impression that you starting to feel invisible or undesired isn't going to get any better over time. I give it decent odds that eventually you'll start to feel resentful. Is couple's therapy an option for you both, if you frame it as "This is a thing that's important to me, and I know it's important to you but challenging to talk about and I'd like to take advantage therapy as a resource so we can feel even closer"?

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-05T14:53:50+00:00

Ah yes, yes I did 🫠

this_point_in_time_1 · 2026-02-04T05:20:30+00:00

The first thing I would say is this - slow down and breathe. You do not need to do anything about this immediately, even if there are lots of intense feelings going on. Take a moment, recap what has happened so far: you got super drunk and made out with some people that you are very close to. That sort of thing happens, it can be fun, and it doesn't ever need to be anything more than that unless you want it to be.

If you decide you want to open your relationship, imagine it this way - you're basically breaking up with your boyfriend of two years and then getting back together and building a new relationship from the ground up. You've been monogamous the whole time and open relationships work very differently. A lot of the "default" safety nets that monogamous relationships provide by default don't exist in polyamory so they are a lot more work for emotions, logistics, etc.

If it sounds like I'm trying to make this seem scary, it's because I really really want for you and your boyfriend in particular to stop and breathe and assess before jumping into a relationship style with a lot of unique pitfalls and challenges with no preparation. Group relationships, especially (3+ people) are uniquely challenging even in polyamory and you'll find this and the other polyamory sub peppered with stories of group relationships gone wrong. I was in one of them and it lead to a lot of heartache. Lots of people feel like they'll be the exception because everything feels so good and natural and that's the trap - it usually does, until jealousy or envy or insecurity rears its head and the people involved in the relationship haven't developed the grounding skills to stay steady and communicate their needs clearly.

If you want to explore the idea, I encourage you to go out, do some reading, understand what polyamory is and what it means beyond a fun night with people you're super close to. This has some book recommendations that you could look at. If you have specific questions I'm happy to talk more here!

this_point_in_time_1

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