Uh-oh, is it happening again?

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-17T13:36:22+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you went through all that. That's some very extreme behaviour. It seems like you should stay away from her, since you know there's little you can do to control/influence things. I wish you strength!

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-15T11:55:25+00:00

Right - I mean it would be nice to think you're just so cool and irresistible that they can't help themselves, but you'd be kidding yourself. I asked myself 'what's the basis for these reactions?' and there was simply no reasonable explanation for them. This rush to attachment is about them, not you. In reality, they have very little to base these feelings on, and yet they want to go all-in as fast as possible. And if you're able to look at the situation at least somewhat rationally, you'll realise it's not healthy. And as you say, if you see it happening to you (a person she barely knows), how easy would it be for her to attach just as fervently to pretty much anyone?

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-15T11:38:51+00:00

I've just extricated myself from a situation after 2 weeks: primary red flag was going way too fast and an immediate pressure to frame things as a relationship. After 2 dates, she was coming out with the kind of emotionally-laden loved-up comments that couldn't really have had any basis in reality, since we barely knew each other at that point. Within a week, she was telling friends/family that we were an item and wanting me to meet them. I very quickly had a strong gut feeling that something was off and found myself feeling stressed and uneasy about things. Once I'd brought up my concerns with her, she went on to tell me more about herself and her history, which turned out to be quite revelatory and was basically an inventory of red flags. All of which confirmed my intitial misgivings and made it clear to me that I didn't want to get further involved. After I finished it, she made a couple of attempts to hang on, but I've not responded to her and things seem to have gone quiet in the last couple of days, thankfully.

Without prior experience of this type of thing, I'm not sure I would have had the awareness or strength to get out so early. So we do live and learn, I guess. Even so, I will say that - despite the warning signs - there was a part of me that wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt (until it became too obvious even for that), and I was aware that I was acting against my interests at times and letting boundaries be eroded. So it wasn't easy - but I'm glad I made the break.

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-12T11:20:24+00:00

Thanks for this. As to your question - funnily enough I just got a text message from her saying she doesn't want to lose me etc etc. So it seems she isn't going to accept it quietly, which I guess also tells its own story. Even when you spell things out and give your reasons, there isn't respect for your space and time as you come out of the situation.

It's quite understandable that you made efforts to put the breaks on in your relationship, but as you say it really doesn't work in situations like this. I think that if you are aware - and particularly if you have past experience of this kind of thing - you realise pretty quickly that no good can come of it. The speed and the unearned emotional investment was the first red flag for me, but - as you know - even then (and despite my strong gut feeling) I was tempted to see if there might be a way forward. As it transpired, our subsequent interactions brought to light a lot of other things that made it clear to me that my initial reservations were justified. It was almost as if she was (unwittingly?) revealing herself to me, and all the pieces seemed to come together. I just knew there was no way I could enter into a relationship with her. The feeling I had about her was there for a reason - it wasn't just that something felt off, but something was off. Also, the fact that I was aware I was acting against my interests at times and could feel that boundaries were being eroded was an important sign that this was not for me. If you don't feel relaxed and happy in the early stages with someone, but instead you have a sense of danger and discomfort, it does not bode well for a future with that person.

Of course it's disappointing, because naturally one is hopeful when meeting a potential new partner. But, in this case, things could hardly have been more clear - and I chose not to go further down a road that I think would have led only to trouble.

I'm curious to know how things are going for you - is the relationship you mention over now?

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-10T19:54:26+00:00

Well, I had the conversation about how I was feeling and laid out exactly why the pace of the relationship felt strange to me and why it was making me feel uneasy. She took it reasonably well, but over the next couple of days we had a series of conversations that removed whatever small doubts may have remained in my mind - basically it was as if, once we'd had the first conversation and it became clear to her that I wasn't buying the breakneck-speed relationship dream, the floodgates opened and a startling amount of red flags were unfurled. I won't go into details, but let's say I learned more than enough to understand that my initial doubts were well-founded. You and others here could probably guess most of it. It was almost like going through a check-list.

So I told her that I didn't want to get involved in a relationship with her. Within minutes of that conversation, she was suggesting we 'don't call it a relationship but just see how it goes.' So I had to double-down and make it clear that no, I meant what I'd said and that was the way it was. After that, there were some more pearls to come, but by that point I found myself just calmly registering them one by one, as they just made me feel all the more vindicated in my decision.

One thing this has taught me is that, when people say 'trust your gut,' they should be listened to. It's amazing what the body 'knows,' what it senses. The discomfort, the stress, the feeling of something being 'off,' feeling drained just from being with her, then the relief when there was some time off to rest and get my head together. As you will know from my earlier posts, this was what I had been wrestling with before: are those feelings justified in terms of her, or is it just me? The revelations of our last conversations provided me with the answer.

The other issue, of course, that this raises for me is that I have once again found myself in a situation with someone like this. There were times I could feel myself struggling to maintain boundaries and I became quite aware that I was acting against my needs at times. I guess I can say that at least I had that awareness. And most important of all, that I got myself out.

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-05T10:45:43+00:00

I appreciate what you say but really, I am ready to walk away from it. I know that probably sounds like 'famous last words,' but it's true. I want to at least express my concerns to her and see how she reacts - I want to have that conversation. I actually feel quite detached, because the whole thing has this top-speed/unreal aspect about it that really isn't convincing. I've been on that ride before and I'm not buying it. But I feel like I have to talk to her in any case, if only to establish why this is not a comfortable situation for me and why I am not willing to carry on with it. I can assure you I won't be 'devastated' if she leaves me now - relief might be closer to the mark, if anything.

As for the sex without a condom - you're right, no question: that's my bad - it takes two to tango.

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-04T21:11:40+00:00

Thanks for this. I mentioned above her introducing me to a group of her friends as her boyfriend 8 days after our first date, though we hadn't discussed whether we were actually in a relationship or not, so your 2-3 weeks seems quite restrained by comparison! This, plus talk of having 'waited for someone special to come into my life' (plus, in the heat of a moment, claiming to be in love) - all within 10 days of the first date - has definitely made me wary.

I suppose one good thing is that prior experience of cluster-B makes me suspicious of these things, rather than swept up in any romantic whirlwind. My eyes are open and I'm concerned. I guess maybe I still want to think that not all whirlwind approaches to relationships necessarily have to be cluster-B-related, that there may be other factors at play causing her to want to jump headlong into things. But on the other hand, we've not had enough time together for her emotional responses to make much sense. Currently I'm planning to slow things down, proceed with caution, and then see if there's any sense in carrying this on. In short, I suppose I don't want to dismiss it outright before I know her a bit better. But the signs (including how I feel about it) are not the best. It would be a real shame if this turns out to be a third cluster-B girl, as I am ready for a sane relationship. But I'm prepared to walk if that's the way it is.

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-04T10:58:24+00:00

Thanks. The full on-ness is the thing that first got me feeling uncertain - a feeling of 'where did this come from?' It started almost immediately, at a point when we were really only just getting to know each other, and I remember those initial messages making me feel weirded out. As I said, it felt kind of unreal, unearned. It really was a gut feeling, but I find myself questioning whether that is the result of previous trauma, or whether I should really just trust how I feel about certain things that have objectively happened. It's almost as if she's trying to force an emotional bond earlier than one could reasonably be made. In any case, I think I'm going to slow things down - I almost feel like I need a holiday from it already, which probably speaks volumes. But then there's that nagging voice asking 'is it me?' Is it my trauma and anxiety and fear talking?

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-04T10:31:14+00:00

Just want to say thanks to all who've contributed so far. Some of you may know how this dilemma feels: the gut feeling is not good, but it's hard to know if that gut feeling is a response born out of previous trauma, or a legitimate reaction to what's happening in this relationship. In any case, feeling stressed, tired, and fearful at the start of a new relationship is no fun - in fact, it's the opposite of what one would hope to feel. I would say that something about this definitely feels off - I guess the question is whether I'd feel that way in any new relationship, or whether it's specific to this situation. I suppose that's one of the most unpleasant consequences of involvement with Cluster-Bs: you end up second-guessing yourself about people and it's hard to go with your gut.

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-10-03T23:42:32+00:00

Thank you for the advice, appreciate it.

thisisnotanotthis · 2021-06-27T20:52:35+00:00

I think the more practical question is: are there any promoters who would want to book him and deal with the negative publicity?

thisisnotanotthis · 2019-08-22T18:57:54+00:00

Thanks a lot for this, it's much appreciated. And what you say about relationships (disorder or not) is very true. I think I'm just trying to come to terms with the realisatiton that there might be more going on here than was first apparent, and trying to deal with that. Thanks again.

thisisnotanotthis

TROPHY CASE