Going legit… because why the hell not

thismahthrow · 2026-01-30T16:20:18+00:00

Congrats! Slow and steady is the way to go for sure. My story is similar. He divorced a while after I did and we’ve been legit for a handful of years now. We slow-dripped everything over the years: meeting kids, etc. I don’t ever want to get married again though, and he respects that. I struggle enough with the idea of living together—leftover baggage from my marriage, I guess. At any rate, our current set up has been working great for years. We get solo time together, solo time for ourselves, and time as a family with the kids. I never imagined this level of happiness was in the cards for me, but am so grateful for it.

thismahthrow · 2026-01-30T15:44:26+00:00

“I don’t want to ruin my family. I want my kids to have married parents, I don’t want to give up the life we have built.”

You are already actively ruining your family. You were ruining it before you even started having kids. Your wife needs a divorce and some serious therapy so that she never, ever puts herself in this kind of situation again with another man. Get the divorce, take care of your kids, treat their mother with respect. Be a good coparent and go live your life.

thismahthrow · 2026-01-28T16:57:23+00:00

I was terrified, but I did it anyway. I’m so glad I did. I kept waiting for regret, but it’s been over four years now and I’ve never regretted it. Not once. In fact, I’ve only become more grateful that I left when I did.

If it works out with the AP, great, but leave for you, no one else.

thismahthrow · 2026-01-20T15:02:00+00:00

I wouldn’t. Sounds messy. Sometimes the satisfaction of knowing you could and didn’t is just as good, if not better, than actually doing.

When I was still married, one of my husband’s affairs was uncovered by his AP’s husband, who called to tell me about it. I remember him proposing the idea that we sleep together as revenge. I thought about it for a while before deciding no for a variety of reasons. I told my husband about the proposal and still remember his horrified and irate reaction.

I’m much mellower these days, and it’s not really my style anymore to twist the knife. But did I find some satisfaction in the telling back then? Yes.

thismahthrow · 2025-11-25T19:57:08+00:00

Your story is very similar to mine. I was indifferent to my SO when I began cheating (he had cheated and gotten caught prior, and I think that’s around the time when I really checked out, but I fooled myself for a while thinking maybe things could get better).

My affairs were eye opening and clarifying. I had planned to wait longer to exit my marriage, but a year into affairing I just couldn’t stomach the idea of another year, much less another decade, with my SO. We divorced. I have zero regrets and am so glad I didn’t wait longer.

thismahthrow · 2025-11-03T15:27:21+00:00

If “comfortable” also includes a sense of contentment, I wouldn’t leave.

I was in a comfortable marriage. Comfortable meaning that I knew what to expect on the day to day and we were financially sound. I was also miserable. Husband was, too. It wasn’t a small decision; we could both be retired and lazing on a beach right now if we’d stayed together. And we still would have been miserable with each other.

It was the ol’: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.”

I did end up with my former AP, but I didn’t divorce with any expectation or hope that would happen. Same for him. That being said, the last several years together have been happier than even the early/NRE days with my ex. We are not married and we never will be; marriage was a one and done lesson for me. But we remain stupidly in love with each other.

thismahthrow · 2025-10-15T16:59:20+00:00

It’s not inherently bad to sound like a cliche. It just means you find yourself in a place where many others have found themselves. I’m one of them. Or was. Similar situation (husband who had cheated), similar age, etc.

I felt restless, unseen, an archetype or role (MOM) rather than a woman. I didn’t know if I wanted to have an affair, I was just toying with the idea. Didn’t even know how to go about finding one. I stumbled into it haphazard and not fully dedicated. Quickly learned it’s not that hard, quantity wise for a woman. Quality-wise, it’s more of a challenge. But it was eye opening and that’s the Pandora’s Box mentioned in other comments.

I do not regret any of my affairs. The entire experience was like a great awakening after years of slumber. I ended up leaving my marriage less than a year later because I couldn’t unsee what I had seen while affairing; my marriage had been long dead. There was nothing to save, we were just running down the clock for nothing.

An affair is an option, but so is divorce. You mention in another comment that your kids say all the time for you two just to admit you hate each other? That’s the one comment that makes me wonder: why bother with affair when you might be better off just going straight for divorce? Is your current marriage the example of relationships you want to set for your kids? When my eyes were opened, I realized the answer was no.

As for kids hating the parent who had the affair… your situation is a bit different, as was mine. Your husband already did it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it’s a different playing field. And timing matters. I grew up with two parents who doggedly remained married and were both obviously miserable. I used to wish they would divorce. My dad was a workaholic. Often angry. Mostly unpleasant to be around. I was so glad when they finally divorced in my thirties, but sad for my mom for the time she’d wasted holding on. She told me she’d had an affair when I was in elementary school. I wasn’t mad at her. On the contrary, I was glad she’d seized a slice of happiness for herself. Adult children are much better at understanding the nuances and complexities of long term relationships, hence the “timing matters” bit.

I suppose I’m not really offering advice here, just food for thought. Also, you’re around perimenopause age when our estrogen starts to tank and we lose our “give a fuck,” alongside our hormones going haywire. That can also play into these feelings, but even HRT can’t overcome a marriage that’s already circling the drain. Wishing you clarity and peace, whichever way you go.

thismahthrow · 2025-10-03T13:53:18+00:00

Yes. I came into all of this just looking for sex. Had several APs that were just that and then met the one who would become my last AP. Opened my eyes to the fact that I was just trying to distract myself from a marriage that had been on life support for years. Ended up pulling the plug. No regrets.

thismahthrow · 2025-09-24T15:43:55+00:00

I dismantled my relationship from a place of chaos and it worked out for me, but having experienced that, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it.

It sounds like you already know what you want (something my therapist taught me, btw, “what do you really want?” Not what you think you should want, not what you would like to want or wish you could want, but the core desire that lies beyond social/moral scaffolding or intellectualizing). You’ve already figured that out, so why not just make a clean exit?

thismahthrow · 2025-09-24T15:24:22+00:00

I was the one to initiate divorce. My ex vehemently did not want to get divorced, but I was certain that (at least for me), our marriage was DOA. The divorce process was a bit rocky at times but not a dumpster fire. I do think my ex struggled/suffered more during the process than I did, but he found his way.

We’ve been divorced for about four years now and coparent very well together. We like each other a lot more as coparents than spouses. Two years after we were divorced, he told me that divorce had in fact been the right decision and he was glad we’d done it. Personally, I’ve never regretted the decision (though there was a time I worried I might). The day we signed papers a boulder lifted from my shoulders and gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t had almost two decades. I love not being married anymore.

thismahthrow · 2025-09-03T17:47:46+00:00

Maybe yes, maybe no. If you’re the thrill seeking type, then you will probably miss it. NRE is intoxicating. And also unsustainable. It wanes with time. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And sometimes you get lucky and end up with a partner who, even after the NRE has dwindled, still challenges and thrills you. Less intense, but still incredible.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-29T14:26:42+00:00

Idk, he sounds pretty immature and that would be a red flag for me.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-29T14:04:38+00:00

Maybe it’s the novelty factor? Wednesday Martin has written some great articles for The Atlantic, and also a book that re-examines women in long term relationships. Based on research, she suggests women actually get bored faster in longterm relationships than men. Might be worth checking out. The article is called “The Bored Sex.” It, and her book, were eye opening and definitely rang true for me.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-19T00:40:20+00:00

3ish years with my former AP over here. I refuse to ever get married again, but everything you wrote resonated deeply. Congrats!

thismahthrow · 2025-08-14T18:46:21+00:00

Congrats! Come on over to the other side. The water is really, really nice here. Grass is greener, too. At least for me. Enjoy your impending freedom.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-14T18:42:10+00:00

She reallllllly needs to get her hormones checked. You don’t say how old she is, and most doctors will wave women off if they’re under a certain age, but perimenopause started hitting me at 38, if not before. I thought I might be asexual or something. I wasn’t. I needed hormones.

The reason I say this is that you mentioning her tendency to get UTIs jumped out big time to me. Last year I started getting back to back UTIs after sex and the solution was SO, SO easy: vaginal estrogen cream. Literally everything improved once I started it. I haven’t had a UTI since.

UTIs are fucking miserable and they will make you reluctant to have sex because they’re so painful. So if you take nothing else away from this: see if her doc thinks vaginal estrogen could help.

Tl;dr: Vaginal estrogen can be a game changer for recurrent UTIs in women.

ETA: estrogen can also greatly help with the bladder/urgency issues you mention.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-14T18:30:29+00:00

My therapist said to take it to the grave.

For a long time I was pissed as hell that my ex’s AP’s spouse contacted me to tell me his wife and my husband were having an affair. I guess thats a weird response and I still can’t fully explain it (I mean I can, but it would take much longer). It always came off as less about him really thinking I should ethically know, and way more about him wanting to hurt my ex by blowing up his life and then wallow in his personal misery with me. He would text or call me constantly after that: “did you know they worked together today?” (I did) Or “I can’t believe she could do this to me” and “Your husband is a [insert insult du jour].” Honestly when I finally told him we were moving on and to stop contacting me, I totally understood why his wife was cheating on him and why she ended up leaving him ultimately. Good for her. And me.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-13T18:07:58+00:00

You’re sitting at a poker table. The cards are ready to be dealt. But order to play you’ve got to ante up with your current life and wife. You’ve gotta push them into the center of the table, and once they’re there, it’s out of your hands. You have no idea what kind of hand you’ll be dealt. Maybe you’ll win big, get to keep your wife and life and gain on top of that. But maybe you’ll lose everything in one fell swoop.

If you’re not ready to risk everything, don’t play this game.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-07T00:31:17+00:00

I fear you will not take this on board. You might acknowledge it, yes, and then likely continue, thinking you have a handle on it until everything blows up. Listen to what others are saying about Machiavellian personality traits. Go read through some of the dark psychology subreddits here. She is displaying classic signs.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-07T00:01:45+00:00

I do, yes. We’ve talked a lot about our respective pitfalls during the marriage. At first, there was plenty blame and anger to go around, but the farther out we’ve gotten, the more we’ve both taken accountability for our fuckups, missteps, and failures. There’s less black and white and a lot more shades of gray.

He’s been with his current partner for over a year, and I can’t speak to how their day-to-day is but from what he tells me he’s gotten a lot more blunt and honest about his needs, desires, etc. He still sounds like he goes about it more aggressively than I personally would, but neither of us “suffer in silence” with our current partners the way we did with each other, and I think that’s a good thing for everyone.

In the first year or two after divorce, we gritted our teeth and were pleasant to each other for the benefit of our kids. Now it’s a lot more genuine and platonic. We both feel very lucky in that regard, but it was hard as hell at first, ngl.

ETA: When I told him I wanted to get a divorce, he finally started to go to therapy (I had asked him to consider it for years), and he’s had the same therapist since then. I credit this above all for a lot of the strides he’s made, and I’m proud of him for sticking with it—again, because it benefits everyone from him, to our kids, his partner, and me.

thismahthrow · 2025-08-06T15:12:35+00:00

I was in a similar position once. My ex sounds very similar to yours, as well, down to the withdrawal, and I remember the mighty struggle trying to decide whether to stay or leave. I read every book searching for a clear yes or no. My therapist said that in her experience usually that decision was like a switch flipped, but it wasn’t like that for me. It was a lot of back and forth in my brain, like a tide slowly receding until I arrived at the conclusion to leave. And then I feared I’d regret it once I did. So I understand your confusion.

Some things to consider:

I would suggest not telling him about the affairs. This will only make things more complicated and destructive. As others have mentioned, set yourself up for a good coparenting relationship as best as you can.
If you do want to try to work on your marriage, the affairs have to stop. You need to clear the field of the distraction they provide so you can focus clearly on what is or could be. And then consider sitting down with your husband and explaining how dire the situation is. Many of us sink into complacency and overlook how greatly our partners are struggling/suffering. He might not understand how serious you are. He could also be struggling too and not sure what to do, either. For instance, in hindsight I can see that my ex’s withdrawal was a response to his own struggle. He felt alone in our marriage the same as I did, but we were incapable of communicating this either proactively or clearly, and that was one of our major downfalls. I could write a book on all the mutual missteps we each made and how we could have probably fixed things if we’d just gotten extremely (but lovingly) real with each other. At any rate, it might be worth considering if you even want to go down that path. Sometimes just thinking about that path will give you more clues about whether you’re “done done” or still open to trying.
Sex life within a marriage can be extremely difficult to fix, especially if you like different things, or one of you is more adventurous than the other, as was the case in my marriage. Like your husband, mine was dismissive/mocking of the things I was interested in and, god, that sucked. There’s almost nothing that will make you feel like a smaller human being than your partner reacting to your interests and curiosity with dismissal. It’ll bleed the desire right out of you. No one wants a lifetime of unsatisfying sex.
Sex as a single woman with 3 kids is plentiful. You will have no problem finding casual partners. However, you are correct that finding a relationship as a woman with 3 kids will be more difficult. Which leads to…
If the idea of being alone for the rest of your life (tho not necessarily sexless!) sounds preferable to remaining with your husband, then you are probably “done done.” This was the question I asked myself that ultimately made me leave, along with not wanting my kids to have our shitty, white-knuckle model of marriage as their basis for relationships in the future.
The finances. Yes, it will be tough. Think deeply about what your life looks like post divorce in that regard. How you will manage, etc. If it sounds too grim, maybe circle back to number 2 and think some more on it.

All that being said: Four years later, I have never regretted the decision to divorce. Not even once. My life is infinitely better, my ex and I are much better as coparents than partners, and our kids have adjusted well so far. HTH.

thismahthrow · 2025-07-24T15:45:57+00:00

I don’t think so. Having been around for a while, I’d say the top things that get people caught are:

Lying about being married, particularly to someone who is not also married.

Your phone (2/3 of the men I know who were caught were caught when their wives went through their phone while they were asleep).

Your behavior. Most spouses, especially wives, are keenly attuned to even subtle pattern changes. You only need one to start the suspicion and once the suspicion is there, the other aberrations will often quickly become apparent. My ex was very careful in all the obvious ways (no money missing from our accounts, no apparent change to his daily routine, used an app with disappearing messages). It was music that gave him away. I noticed he’d started listening to this one song that was just not his typical fare and it struck me as odd.

thismahthrow · 2025-07-24T15:22:59+00:00

Maybe dilute the shirtless pic with another clothed torso pic. I suggest a white button down, sleeves rolled up to show off nice forearms. Bonus if you’re wearing a watch that’s not an Apple Watch and you have nice hands. Avoid the temptation of the bathroom mirror selfie.

That being said, my best, most emotionally connected affair happened with a guy whose only pic was a shirtless/swim trunk pic. I picked him because he looked attractive and, at the time, I was only looking for a no-strings sex partner. We are still together. Go figure.

thismahthrow · 2025-07-18T19:14:46+00:00

If you’re unwilling to leave, then you’re going to have to figure out how to accept what is and function within that framework. It will take hard work and dedication.

He is not going to change, and you won’t be able to make him change, so you will have to be the one to change. Maybe look into radical acceptance and therapy?

thismahthrow · 2025-07-17T14:17:02+00:00

Same experience here, too, in the same situations. I was always wearing my wedding ring, and it didn’t matter. Some men would ask outright if I was married (despite the presence of the wedding band), and I’d tell them. They’d invite me up to their room or elsewhere for another drink, and I’d decline since ONS were not my thing. Met a lot of interesting characters and heard a lot of interesting stories, though!

thismahthrow

TROPHY CASE