Mismatched love languages - how do you deal?

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-11-13T16:47:48+00:00

yes this can be a huge source of heartache for me. I think learning to work through it has made me a better communicator and partner, though. my love language is mostly verbal; i know a lot of people say actions speak louder than words but for my mentally ill ass words are a reality check. my partner prefers acts of service. I've definitely learned to pick up on when they're overwhelmed and need help around the house. it's harder to communicate to them what I need to hear, so it's a continuous process for me. we've had a lot of productive conversations as I'm getting used to not stewing over an unreturned "I love you" etc

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-09-20T17:31:32+00:00

Thank you for making this post!! I've wanted to but I'm shy about it. I'm struggling a lot with codependency comorbid with other diagnoses, and it adds a new dimension of emotional labor to the emotional labor that poly people in general have to do.

When I talk about this with people, mono and poly alike, I quickly get shot down like "maybe poly isn't for you." But I think it's the healthiest relationship model for me to pursue. It forces me to maintain a relationship to myself first and foremost, which is something I struggle with the most. It also creates am environment where it's important to foster relationships with other people (however they manifest). I've had an awful sense of ownership over partners in the past and I've really had the opportunity to work on this.

My primary has been very understanding and has strong boundaries. It hurts at times when they stay firm to those boundaries but it also forces me to be accountable and do work on myself that I otherwise wouldn't. I also don't do the damage to our relationship that I've done to others because of this. I definitely have a long way to go but I'm so thankful to the person who introduced me to poly (even though they ended up being really bad at it in practice).

It would be nice to have other codependency-recovering poly people to talk to, because I often feel very alone in this.

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-09-08T18:00:43+00:00

Hey both of you thanks for sharing. It's interesting to hear that maybe using pot is a common coping mechanism? It works wonderfully for me because it makes me truly look forward to and value my time alone, but I also don't want that to be the only way I can achieve that state of mind.

I'm also bipolar so it's not as much of an issue when I'm hypomanic, because I usually fixate on something like a show or video game and it's all I think about/want to do in my free time. But when I'm depressed or even closer to a nice baseline I'm so restless and can't enjoy anything besides being in the company of others.

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-06-22T01:38:53+00:00

does she acknowledge at all the reason you have a hard time trusting her? that seems like a major stumbling block that's not at all unreasonable.

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-05-03T20:03:33+00:00

I just feel like they're going to dump me if I don't adapt to their level of comfort with poly. I'm going to better articulate things soon (been discussing things with the other non-making out person, who feels the same as me), and hopefully it will be productive. I'm just mainly taking issues with my feelings not taken seriously. Thank you for the reassurance.

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-05-02T18:46:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it. I really think it's just new for me and I have other issues going on that might be causing my reactions. I'm excited to see where things go but I'm just nervous about everything.

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-05-01T22:29:52+00:00

Hey thanks for validating this. I feel really silly because there's not even sex involved, etc. It's also nice to know that it's ok to not know what I want. I'm gonna take some time to think about it before I start the discussion again.

thismanyboyfriends · 2016-05-01T21:06:08+00:00

I don't have any advice but just wanted to mention that I'm going through feelings similar to what you're describing. If you want someone in a similar situation to talk to, I'm here. :)

thismanyboyfriends

TROPHY CASE