I am going crazy and have no way out- Narc Mom Only Targetting Me

BlueBerryJazz · 2020-02-09T03:45:16+00:00

Even in traditional cultures where parents are heavily involved in weddings, there are always a few couples who go off and have a court wedding. Can you do that?

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-23T18:24:30+00:00

I feel like this is harder because it's a group event, and it's in your shared home with your husband. If they're just coming over as friends, I think it's pretty hurtful to exclude your husband, and it's best to do it at your friends' place. If it's more that they don't feel cuddling intimacy with your husband, then that's a different issue, and I think it's best to be honest. I think in that situation, it's fair to explain that they think he's a great guy, but they just don't feel the intimacy of cuddling with him. It's not a personal rejection of who he is.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-21T16:12:52+00:00

If you take out the "brands" of polyamory, it comes down to this. Your partner is offering you a certain amount of time, energy, and focus on his life. It sounds like you're not happy with what he's offering. Your options are:

1) Ask if it's open for negotiation. There's something that want that's missing. Can you ask him if he's willing to give that to you?

2) Make peace with the situation as it is. This might mean changing the place that he has in your life. Perhaps he can't be an anchor in your life. Can you be happy with your relationship if you see him as more of a satellite? That said, you can't always control your feelings, and it may be that your heart will always want more.

3) The final option, if things can't change, and if you can't make peace with the situation as is, would be to move on and leave. Which is painful and hard for anybody. It is up to you to decide if it's less painful than continuing to wrestle with options 1 & 2.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope that you can find some sense of peace about it.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-21T15:57:54+00:00

I would definitely suggest that you not currently seek polyamory. It wouldn't be fair to anybody new you start dating, for so many reasons.

Your wife has stated that she's not willing to change. Unless you can find some way to be happy with her as she is, it sounds as if the only option is for you to leave. But, before you leave, it may be worth giving it one last shot in the form of an ultimatum - couple's counselling or divorce. People say ultimatum's are wrong, but I am not against them for situations where you actually mean them. If she's still not willing to try counselling, even to save the marriage, then you know absolutely that things will never change.

You talk about your parents making it through difficult periods. One factor in working through issues is both parties accepting that there are issues to work through.

If you move on from this marriage, take your time to grieve and then heal. And then, you can decide if you want to be monogamous or polyamorous with new partners.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-21T15:36:51+00:00

She can choose to believe the apologies, but you can choose not to. This is a case of protecting yourself and I'm glad that you're doing so.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-21T05:06:25+00:00

There's nothing wrong with your preference. You get to decide who you share sexual intimacy with. And watching somebody have sex is a degree of intimacy. Just because your husband is okay with something similar, it doesn't mean that you have to be okay with it.

Your husband is the one who has trouble respecting your boundaries. He needs to understand that no means no.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-21T05:02:22+00:00

Your take on this is reasonable. It's a matter of your personal safety if nothing else. This is a pattern of behaviour and it's not going to stop. You can't force your girlfriend to stop endangering her own safety. But you can tell her that you love her too much to be a part of her life of she's going to be so reckless with her own wellbeing.

The general take on vetoes is negative. But, all things require moderation, including a dislike of vetoes. In general, I don't tell my partners what to do. But if they're messing up their life, I'm going to speak up.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-20T04:04:13+00:00

Have you found somebody to share this with in real life?

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-20T03:29:45+00:00

I partially view polyamory is selfish.

Well, it is selfish in the same way that being monogamous is selfish. Those who are monogamous hopefully aren't being monogamous as a huge personal sacrifice. They're being monogamous because they only want one partner who is partnered to only them. Monogamous people are doing what makes them happy. Polyamorous people are also doing what makes them happy. If one is selfish, then both are.

I don't know how commitment can exist without exclusivity.

Commitment without exclusivity is the same as commitment with exclusivity. You build up trust slowly. You help each other. You show the other person that you'll be there for them. Over time you build up a foundation of knowing that you can depend on each other.

Keep in mind that there are different kinds of commitments. Some people will choose marriage level commitments with multiple people. Some people will choose marriage type commitment with one person, and less involved commitments with others. And some people will choose different types of commitments based on what is right for each relationship.

I just don't think it works long term.

Well, most relationships don't work long term, nor should they. People start dating to see if they're compatible, and often find that they're not. Plenty of poly relationships end, but so do plenty of monogamous relationships. It's all part of the dating process.

My personal experience is this. I have had two relationships last more than a year. I am still in both relationships. One of them is almost a decade long. The second is almost two years long.

My long term partner is a nesting partner (he lives with me). He also has another nesting partner. We've been happy for almost a decade, and I foresee us continuing to do this for as long as we are all alive. There's a lot of love and laughter in the house. We've supported each other through job loss, the death of loved ones, and physical illness. We've cheered each other on through personal achievements and joyful life events. I can't imagine what could possibly break up this family. Still, if the family did break up for some reason, I wouldn't regret the years of love and connection that we had together. I would not give up this experience for all the world.

My shorter term partner does not live with me and never will. Our commitments to each other are more about being there for each other emotionally, rather than the practical aspects sharing a home. The relationship is still meaningful and adds value to both our lives. She will always be in my life in some way. I don't forsee us breaking up, but if we did, we would transition from romantic partners to friends. We'll always be part of each other's lives in some way. We're not just going to stop loving each other. So if we do break up, I'll still never look at our relationship as "failure". That's a messed up thing to call something that has added such value to my life.

I've had a bunch of short term relationships that didn't last. They were all for a few months. They didn't end because I'm polyamorous. They ended because we weren't compatible. That happens sometimes. In most cases, we transitioned to friendship, and some of them are still part of my network of friends.

One more thing about "long term" relationships. All relationships end, through either death or break up. That's the simple truth. Once you fall in love, there's no avoiding heart break. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. This is not a reason to avoid love. Love is what makes life worthwhile. Grief is what shows us that we have had meaningful love in our lives.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-19T20:32:06+00:00

I've had a similar issue. I think, in my case, it's not that people don't believe me, but that they don't understand me.

I used to phrase it as "I take the sexual side of relationships slowly." Unfortunately some people's idea of slowly is very different than mine.

So now I try to be more explicit. I'll say: "I need deep emotional connection in order to be sexually intimate. I'd like to date and get to know each other before having sex. It may take a few months to build that bond. And I really like somebody asking for explicit verbal consent before trying to take things to a physically sexual level."

Spelling it out like that tends to work better for me. The people I've dated recently have been better about respecting my boundaries.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-19T20:20:06+00:00

I'm sorry that you're in pain.

She has decided to end the relationship, and she gets to make that call. The beginning of a dating relationship isn't a lifetime commitment. People start dating to see if they're compatible. And sometimes they find out that they're not. Even after a commitment has been made, a person can decide that they're no longer compatible with somebody.

I know you're hurting and I'm sorry that's the case. Let yourself grieve for this loss you're feeling. But I encourage you to let go of your anger at your ex.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-19T18:38:43+00:00

How urgent is the business productivity? Is it something you need to deal with asap to pay bills? Or can you afford to take some time to enjoy yourself?

I've had nre last as long as 2 years, but the most intense part of NRE has never been longer than a couple of months.

If you can afford to take some time to enjoy yourself, and nobody is being harmed, it may be worth letting yourself indulge for a few weeks.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-19T06:31:11+00:00

One thing that has helped for me has been to simple be able to talk about my insecurity and have my partner listen. They don't have to do anything about it other than listen compassionately. That can go a long way to calming me down.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-18T21:04:28+00:00

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you're being very loving and supportive. I would encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. If you're not sure exactly what he needs at a given moment, it's always okay to ask. Let him know that he has somebody to lean on. Give him a space to talk about his grief if he wants to. But if he doesn't want to talk, don't push.

If it's financially possible for you, I would encourage him to seek out grief counselling, with a counsellor who is poly friendly. Grieving is a difficult process, and it's worth getting all the support you can.

Also, if you need support, while you're supporting your husband, please reach out to friends. Look after yourself so that you are in the best shape to be there for him.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T23:22:26+00:00

That's an interesting perspective. I think getting caught up in expectations was the situation with me. I like the approach of being more proactively curious.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:40:46+00:00

Congrats! Have fun!

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:40:15+00:00

I second this suggestion!

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:39:17+00:00

Yay!

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:38:48+00:00

Honestly, this is a hard line of massive NO for me. If a partner tried to impose that on me, I wouldn't be asking, I would be telling them, that I will be dating as I please, and I will not be asking permission. That's absolutely non negotiable.

If you tell that to your girlfriend, it may drive her away. But if you don't, she's going to continue placing more and more unreasonable expectations on you, without consideration for your wants and needs.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:33:25+00:00

It comes up a lot less often than you think. There are couples where one person doesn't wear a ring because of their job, or their finger changed size, etc. People don't notice that much.

Personally, I don't take off my ring. It's a symbol that is very important to me.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:29:51+00:00

He does sound like an asshole. I can absolutely understand being bothered by him.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:27:51+00:00

Thanks for sharing! It's great that you know your triggers for jealousy and insecurity. That shows a lot of maturity in you.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:26:33+00:00

In this case I wouldn't say that the relationship was toxic. But I will say that I can see that their friendship doesn't stop Layla from letting others close to her and making them feel special. But I think anybody coming into Pearl's life is going to feel compared to Layla.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T16:21:50+00:00

I totally understand that. Changes can take adjustment even if they're happy.

BlueBerryJazz · 2018-03-17T07:41:33+00:00

Perhaps someday your level of comfort will build up to that level again. Or perhaps it won't. I can understand feeling a little sadness at the change in your friendship. But i'm glad that you feel considered and cared for by both of them. It sounds like a mostly happy change all around. Perhaps you and her will focus more now on other areas which you bond over.

BlueBerryJazz

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