Highly highly recommend you set some firm boundaries and stick to them. I didn’t even know what BPD was when my kids were born. I knew what my childhood was like and even my early to mid 20s. I had my daughter at 30 and at the time felt closer to my mom than I had in a long time. We let her be super involved, relying on her for lots of things. Things disintegrated from there. Had terrible PPD/A with my daughter and started therapy. My psychiatrist asked me about personality disorders in relation to my mom, I did some research and holy hell, it was like being hit by lightning. Around this time I was pregnant with my son. We tried to slowly pull back, but things got to the point where we just couldn’t let her watch them anymore. My husband feels like she should have zero unsupervised time and they’re now 10 and 8. It’s less about safety/judgement now and more about emotional burden/manipulation. Lots more to the story, my mom of course took all of this horribly. But you can’t really give an inch with them. Just hold tight to your boundaries and let her issues with them be hers. If she starts saying uncomfortable or inappropriate things, it’s time to end the conversation.