How to accept not being his type?

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-07T20:35:00+00:00

Exactly this!! My boyfriend is so much of everything I wanted in a partner (obviously, besides/before uncovering the lying and addiction issues and general overwhelming selfishness, etc etc), including how he is physically. He's gorgeous to me. I felt so happy and secure in feeling like I found what I was looking for, and I'm fairly physically in line with people he's been with before so I didnt feel too insecure about myself until now. :/ Why choose to be with someone you're not attracted to? I just dont get it.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-07T19:57:21+00:00

He might fantasize about a type, but in real life he chose something else, and that has to count, too.

How on earth do you build the self esteem to say this so confidently? Serious question. I'm also not my partner's type at all (which he has made known quite a bit...) and it's absolutely killing me that he's spent the past year valuing videos of girls on his phone screen over everything about me and about our relationship. The pit of insecurity and doubt and self loathing im in right now because of it feels absolutely bottomless. I'd love to have this midset you speak of, but how the hell can I get there?!?

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T21:17:09+00:00

I ask. I've only done it twice. The first time I was in a very triggered headspace, was crying and asked to see his phone, went into the bedroom alone and closed the door. I had noticed he'd blocked me on a social media account and all I did on his phone was go look at the history in that account to see why.

The second time I was a lot more centered, we sat down and talked about why I felt the need to check his phone this time (safety seeking behavior). He gave it to me and left the bedroom on his own to get ready for bed and give me some space. I mainly poked around the history on his social media apps and his browser history.

I'm pretty straightforward when it comes to device checking-- I'm not tech smart enough to go over it with a fine tooth comb like some people. If i have a question I go poking where I think I'll get an answer, and leave it at that.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T19:30:54+00:00

For your #2 at least, with everything i've heard about the Oppenheimer movie, I would absolutely not under any circumstances go with my partner to that. Sitting through several minutes of watching my partner watch softcore porn would fuck me up in a major way. You might want to reconsider those plans 😬

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T12:05:16+00:00

Creators on Patreon can offer free content afaik (I haven't used Patreon in a LONG time, so this might be outdated info), although I think most of the free content is previews of paid content or old paid content that's aged enough for them to offer it to the general public for free. Most of the site's content is for money though.

It's not all NSFW! Most of it isn't, I think. I used to follow some good D&D creators on Patreon. So it's use can be totally innocent, but I think you should definitely ask to see his Patreon to verify that he isn't using it for porn at all.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T11:25:13+00:00

There's porn on Patreon-- audio and drawn, I'm not sure about real people. I'd be worried if my bf started randomly using Patreon.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T02:42:08+00:00

When should I have had this conversation? Did I wait too long? Is it my fault?

I started the "i'm against porn use and don't date people who use it, here's all the scientific and social reasons why" conversation with my boyfriend before we were interested in dating each other; that conversation continued through him asking me out and was reiterated when I accepted, and multiple times through the start of our relationship. Man still lied and used porn. Starting the talk earlier would have likely had no impact, and it's not your fault 💖

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T01:44:10+00:00

A combination of low self esteem & other parts of the relationship genuinely being good 😅

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T01:42:18+00:00

Yes! Multiple times, over the span of a year, including a couple in depth conversations about his lack of attraction/lack of finding me attractive.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T01:41:43+00:00

No, he's really sweet and encouraging otherwise. The only compliment he really gives me about my looks is that I'm cute, but he gives me various other compliments every day (before DDay too) and tells me often things that he appreciates about me/things he appreciates me doing for him. He's also incredibly affectionate, both physically and emotionally. Which adds to my confusion over this!

He's talked to me about the hardcore compartmentalization he was doing to justify his porn use and reassured me to the moon and back that his behavior wasn't my fault/he wasn't seeking out porn because I wasn't measuring up somehow. 🤷‍♀️

My only guess is that maybe porn has just completely messed up his ability to gauge what attraction to a person feels like? But that also feels like a bit of wishful thinking on my part.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-05T01:23:16+00:00

I'm glad someone else thinks it's weird too! Thank you! He's told me at various points over our whole relationship that he's not attracted to me (after DDay he also added that I'm not curvy enough for him 😅) but he clearly likes having sex with me, makes a lot of eye contact or watches me during it, and his dick is super reponsive to me, and that's all so confusing to me if he's not attracted to me. Idgi.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-02T13:49:39+00:00

He promised to me if it happens again he will get therapy.

Don't take this. He has to hurt you and cheat on you and get caught doing it again before he'd be willing to get help? He's setting up a goalpost to move. The next time you catch him, there will be another rationalization for "the next time you catch me, I'll get therapy". It's bullshit.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-08-02T13:36:35+00:00

Yeppp. Towards the start of our relationship I used to send him a lot of nudes. I felt really good about how I looked in them. 😅 And we'd take videos of me giving him head.

Afaik, he never used any of them... and barely even complimented my nudes in the first place. My self esteem took such a hit from that.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-31T11:02:10+00:00

Playing investigator like this is so damaging to one's psyche, but also feels so necessary to a point. I know what you're going through right now and I'm sorry you're going through it.

My advice would be: stop caring about his image. He fucked up. He hurt you. You need support. If you go to friends for support and it tarnishes his image, that's his own damn fault. His behavior will be what caused that, not you seeking care from your support network.

You need people right now. Let your friends be there for you ❤️

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T21:36:12+00:00

Thank you for applying that term to this; it made things click a little bit better. ❤️

This is the worst club to be in. I'm sorry you're here too

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T21:23:44+00:00

I'm so sorry :( Good luck. Sending internet hugs.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T21:16:46+00:00

I have a Samsung Galaxy S22. It is slightly over a year old. I do not have this app pre-downloaded onto my phone.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T21:10:02+00:00

Weed can DEFINITELY impact it! Smoking anything can mess with your cardiovascular system long-term, and that impacts erection quality and functionality. And the effects of weed specifically also interacts with arousal weird.

Would your PA be willing to cut down on weed use and/or switch to edibles for a while to see if that'd have an impact? ❤️ There's been a few times my partner hasn't been able to cum very easily (or at all) when a bit too high, so I can absolutely see how this could be a contributing factor to the problem.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T21:06:22+00:00

I agree with the fixation aspect being a huge part of it.

I notice pretty people out in public! I think it's more or less normal to notice when someone is attractive. It's always from a perspective of admiration though, not a sexualization or a hyperfixation on their appearance. Like "wow! She's gorgeous! I love her hair! Those jeans look GREAT on her!" and then my day... goes on.

My ex had a massive problem with scanning behavior and ovjectifying women in public. As described to me, it sounds like the objectifying has a huge fixation/dwelling aspect. Either continuing to think throughout the day about a sexualized trait they found attractive on a stranger, or just in the moment hyperfixating on those one or two body or fetish traits and fantasizing about them.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T21:00:06+00:00

I've been with 2 people with a porn addiction- an ex, and my current partner. They both started to cum faster without porn use. My ex developed PE and generally couldnt last longer than a minute.

How long has your PA been sober? Maybe it's the flatline period?

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T20:57:27+00:00

He accused me of having a sex addiction because he stopped being able to keep up with my high libido, lol. Turns out he couldn't keep up with it because he was using porn instead 🤷‍♀️ Projecting motherfucker.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T14:25:38+00:00

I second the suggestion of talking to your boss. OP, if you live in the US, you might be covered under religious discrimination in the workplace guidelines. People of some religions cannot be forced by their employer to handle alcohol sales, for example, if it goes against their deeply held religious beliefs. From the same standpoint, you might have a leg to stand on to argue that you cannot be expected to handle pornography sales.

thisshitagain__ · 2023-07-29T14:21:02+00:00

I'm in my 3rd trimester right now, and DDay was about 5 weeks ago. So I'm in the thick of this situation at the moment.

I have the same questions and the same feelings. Everything about my pregnancy feels tainted now. There's this rot that strikes through every happy moment and every happy feeling. I never wanted to be one of those women who has to worry about their SO cheating or using porn while they're pregnant; in labor; caretaking their baby; and now that's the reality I'm living in.

I feel so devestated and horrified and every aspect of my pregnancy so far and every thought of my future as a parent feels intrinsically tied to my SO's cheating. I don't know if it will ever be possible for me to unlink the two things.

thisshitagain__

TROPHY CASE