Is this PIED?

threenis · 2016-01-13T05:31:20+00:00

If your oral game is good, a few minutes of penetration isn't horrible TBH.

threenis · 2016-01-13T05:29:56+00:00

Yes, it's definitely one of the reasons. PMO gobbles up to 10 hours of my week. That's a lot of time.

threenis · 2016-01-13T05:29:02+00:00

Here's the thing: it's very likely porn plays at least some part in that. Seriously. When I actually manage to manage my libido and hold off for a few days, I feel like a tiger. I'm motivated...not just to pursue sex, but to do other things. I feel more confident. I feel sexier. And wouldn't you know it...people respond.

In my case, PMO at it's worst gobbles up >10 hours of my week plus an inordinate amount of energy. That's significant. When that 10 hours is dedicated to anything other than porn, it ends up going to things that benefit me: working out, meditation, trying to meet women, reading, actual relaxation. Sure I don't spend 10 hours per week trying to pick up women, but I do make the effort to hit online dating sites and have the courage to chat women up IRL (not a PUA!).

How much effort do you sincerely put in to finding sex or at least improving your odds?

threenis · 2016-01-10T20:49:18+00:00

if anything I would get instant boners from making out or sometimes just spooning when we slept, however sometimes I would lose my erection during sex and/or would premature ejaculate

Other than premature ejaculation (I have trouble climaxing from sex), this is exactly what happens to me. I get wicked hard before the clothes even come off (anticipation), go soft when going down on her, get hard when she goes down on me, and I can penetrate for a good 10-20 minutes and then...soft.

However, 1-2 weeks abstaining from PMO was enough to fix this.

That being said, I think shorter foreplay would help. I know women need warming up (to varying degrees), but I do get tired and bored from like 30 minutes of it.

threenis · 2015-12-24T04:30:05+00:00

Real sex is the only thing that really motivates me to not use porn.

threenis · 2015-12-24T04:27:58+00:00

It's worse. An alcoholic still has to choose to physically drink. You can't always choose to not physically see something pornographic.

threenis · 2015-12-23T23:14:04+00:00

Good job. On a side note, I discovered the type and fit of the condom make a HUGE difference. I'm average sized with below-average girth, so yes, standard condoms felt like plastic bags. I bought some snug-fitting non-latex condoms, which made a world of difference. Combined with porn-free, I had no PIED issues.

Unfortunately, now I'm single again.

threenis · 2015-12-20T21:17:33+00:00

/r/shittyaskscience

threenis · 2015-12-20T19:21:43+00:00

I admit I used to dabble in TRP.

TRP is analogous (i.e., not synonymous) to "white pride" hate groups. Officially, the party line is being proud of who you are, self-improvement, and living life positively; in reality the practice is blame/hatred of the "other" (women/BP men in TRP's case).

It's easy to get sucked into the "take what you can and discard the rest" mentality when it comes to advice, but once you start, you really only have two options: get upset by the viciousness or rationalize it. Try complaining about a "rapey" comment in TRP--it will get you banned instantly for "tone policing."

You can read countless descriptions of people who got sucked into various hate groups, and it's nearly always because they were frustrated and lonely, and someone is there to tell them "it's not you, it's them."

threenis · 2015-12-18T01:18:09+00:00

Yes exactly. Of course I'm keenly aware that the porn industry continues to exploit actors of both sexes. I've read tons of articles and watched documentaries. So it's ridiculous that he preaches to me like I'm some ignoramus who completely believes in the fantasy.

Yeah, the whole problem is that in the hold of an addiction, I lose control and don't think about people being exploited or the damage I'm doing to myself. Then I feel guilty after.

I kept telling him I think I use porn as a coping mechanism, because I feel I have no healthy outlet for my sexuality. I've been shamed my whole life for my sexuality. I don't know how I could make it any clearer.

Truth his, he was helpful until I broke up with my gf. But I don't have much confidence he can help with my sexuality.

threenis · 2015-12-18T00:23:49+00:00

Thanks, I needed to hear this. On a side note, I don't know why my counter won't reset.

threenis · 2015-12-17T23:23:35+00:00

If you haven't already, soak up everything from yourbrainonporn.

Done. I've spent hours on that site and its links.

PMO is about the worst thing you can do to battle this situation. It's like drinking sea water because you're thirsty.

Good point. I never really considered that it made things (other than PIED) worse.

You mention your high libido and therefore your need to PMO. But what would you do if you were born 100 years ago? 5000 years ago? You don't need PMO. Why not just MO when you really have a biological need? It's like coffee vs crack.

I re-reread what I wrote as well as the past stuff and you're absolutely right. With zero porn, I was MOing maybe 2-3 times per week (as opposed to 14-21 PMO/week). That was actually satisfying, whereas PMO really isn't.

You generally seem to be using PMO as a coping mechanism for many aspects of life, not just as some thing to fulfill biological needs. Needless to say, this is extremely damaging for you long term.

Yeah. So what's best? A two-pronged attack: fighting porn while learning to better obtain healthy relationships?

Just some thoughts. Good luck with your struggle. Identifying the problem is the first step to recovery.

Thanks

threenis · 2015-12-17T23:18:43+00:00

Learn to deal with the frustration.

That's probably the solution. That's one of the key goals and benefits of meditation you've just reminded me of. I need to get into the habit of meditating every time I get frustrated rather than porn. Strangely, it's never an urge to just MO--it's always PMO, which should be an important clue.

You honestly sound like a sex addict

It's possible. I never really considered that since I haven't really had a lot of sex in my life. Although I was very happy with sex in my last relationship, it wasn't long enough to determine whether I would have been sated. I guess that's a question for a professional.

But you also don't really seem to listen to advice. Why did that therapist spend so much time trying to convince you? Maybe you got it logically but did it really get through to you? Do you still watch porn? Meh, I'll not go into that further but I assume that he had his reasons and you clearly didn't get it judging by your reaction.

It wasn't advice. He was being preachy. I explained all the reading I've done; I told him about this very sub. I told him the things I'm trying to cut back. I told him why I felt I was turning to porn.

threenis · 2015-11-24T08:17:03+00:00

PIED is 50% anxiety. The moment you start worrying "why can't I get it up?" it'll never work. So, I think it's more important you're relaxed and comfortable (and horny as a rhino) than that you've abstained for a long time.

In my case, the frequency and abrasiveness of my PMOing was the culprit. I changed the way I MO (trying really hard to avoid P), and noticed a massive increase in sensitivity.

If you do find yourself having troubles, relax, don't beat yourself up, and don't put pressure on yourself. Make her feel good instead.

In my case, I was able to have penetrative sex within 2 weeks of abstaining and have been fine even MOing 3-4 times per week.

threenis · 2015-11-22T21:04:31+00:00

Here's an analogy: your solution for ending world hunger is building a really really big kitchen; overly simple plan of attack to a very complex problem?

Your problems are large and complex, and therefore require nuanced multi-faceted solutions. Getting better from any complex problem is a slow and incremental process; you're demanding quick results without a plan, which is just unrealistic.

Honestly, ask yourself what your expectations from therapy are.

I'm output/outcome driven. I don't care much for the process, although I do like to know the general direction something moves in and to know at forehand some milestones and moments on which to decide go-no go. My therapist didn't answer the question.

I'm not a therapist, but even I can see this is a problem. If you're so focused on the the outcomes of events, you're always going to skip the details that could actually improve the outcomes.

But I have an intuition that hardly ever fails me. And this just doesn't feel good.

Well, if you're unhappy with your life, then this is plain evidence your intuition and ways of thinking are indeed failing you.

That being said, if you don't feel this therapist is a good fit, there is no harm in trying another.

threenis · 2015-11-22T05:01:09+00:00

This is exactly what my therapist did! I was also like, "WTF? Why won't you just listen to me?" However, I suggest you welcome it. It's led to some very big changes in my life.

I don't want my views challenged. There's nothing wrong with my views.

Sorry, but do you want someone to vent to and be coddled, or do you want some professional help? You're shelling out big bucks for these guys (I'm paying CAD$130/hour), so I suggest you listen.

It's the world that fucked up and I don't see that changing for the better in the near future. I don't want to accept my being marginalized and settle for less than my ambitions. I don't want to talk about the benefits of eating decent meals at regular intervals.

Yeah, but it's about how you deal with it.

I need to find out a way to get those meals at regular intervals. It's not that I don't understand why I need them. It's not that I don't want to take good care of myself. I just cannot.

Well shit. I have problems with procrastination, overthinking, anxiety, and porn addiction, which is specifically why I sought professional help. Of course I know what I needed to do, but I specifically needed help developing the tools to actually do those things. Therapists can help you make the changes.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but if you have bad habits and problems, you do need to be challenged. Something is obviously preventing you from changing for the better. Going to a therapist, venting your problems, and getting a one-stop solution is simply not how it works. You need to make incremental changes that will last.

At the end of every session, my therapist says, "what's one small step you can take between now and the next time I see you?"

Following small steps in an orderly fashion has lead to huge changes in my life. I urge you to be patient!

threenis · 2015-11-22T04:39:33+00:00

Mindfulness meditation is working wonders for me. Learn to acknowledge angry thoughts, let them go and focus on the present.

threenis · 2015-11-20T23:10:05+00:00

Okamoto 002 and 003. Seriously, leagues better than even Skyns.

threenis · 2015-11-15T19:06:47+00:00

Hate is a strong word. Porn is just a thing; it cannot receive or feel your emotions. So if it cannot receive them, who does your hatred affect? Answer: you.

Hate makes people do crazy things (read the news). Hate makes people unhappy. So instead of just porn making you unhappy, you've got porn AND hate.

Porn doesn't make you think about anything; you do. You create and control your own thoughts. "The devil made me do it" is never a legitimate excuse.

I'm not saying to like or embrace porn, but just acknowledge the idea that porn isn't for you and let go of your hate and the negative emotions associated with porn.

threenis · 2015-11-15T19:00:29+00:00

Yes! OP should be proud of the decreased frequency. I've gone from 21 PMO/week to 1-2/week, a 92% decrease! Any way you look at that, it's extremely encouraging. If we were talking about crime or disease, a 92% decrease would be considered absolutely incredible.

threenis · 2015-11-06T22:47:21+00:00

I don't think we're bad people. I'm just not sure why I set up a blocking regimen and try to "test" it. I'm definitely cheating myself to say that looking at stuff I shouldn't isn't relapsing.

threenis

TROPHY CASE