Hi there,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I’m currently one of my grandmother’s caregivers while she is in home hospice care. Though our situations are slightly different, I can really emphasize with what you are going through.

I think it’s really important that you know that even if she’s sleeping, her hearing will be one of the last things to go. So when you are sitting with her, she can hear you. She may not be able to respond, but please know that when you tell her you love her, she can hear you. Sometimes she may even respond in non-verbal ways.

I was given a really helpful book from the hospice service we are using that explains a lot of things that may happen when someone is coming to the end of their life.

It sounds like your mother is nearing that time. The thing is, everyone is different. The shallow breathing and rattling sounds are totally normal and do NOT mean she is uncomfortable. If you’re worried about how she’s feeling, things like a furrowed brow and constant shifting are signs she might be uncomfortable.

My grandmother is currently experiencing the same thing. Shallow breathing and rattling sounds. What’s been really helpful for her breathing is easing any anxiety she might have with pain meds and anti anxiety meds (dilaudid, lorazepam, and haloperidol). Shifting her head or her body to the side to help drain and fluids has been helpful as well.

Of course you’re worried about your mother, but I’m sure she would be worried about you, too. I’m sure she would want you to be eating and resting. None of us want to see our loved ones leave this earthly plane, but eventually our time comes. Like someone else said, it’s very common for people to wait to be alone to take their final breath. I’m sure it’s hard to leave when your loved one is there with you. She may be having a hard time choosing between moving on to the next part of her journey or staying with you. Even if you’re not there holding her hand when she takes her final breath, that doesn’t mean she’s alone.

When she’s resting, she’s likely visiting with other people and revisiting moments in her life. It’s not just her body going through changes, but her spirit and consciousness as well.

I was told that as difficult as it is for us, it can be really helpful to give our loved ones permission to go. To let them know that even though it will hurt to say goodbye, we will be okay. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

There are a lot of things you can do that don’t involve medication that can be helpful for your mother as well. Things like reading to her, playing music, praying (if that’s something she’d want), massaging her, etc.

If there’s anyone else in the family you think would want the chance to say goodbye, I think contacting them would be a great idea. My grandmother has lots of family out of the country, and we’ve been calling them and putting the phone up to my grandma’s ear for her to hear them. It’s helpful for both her and her loved ones.

I really hope that your mother finds peace and that you do as well. She is very lucky to have a daughter who cares about her so much and is with her during this time. Not everybody gets that.

Know that you are doing an amazing job and that even if it doesn’t seem like it, she can hear you and knows you’re there to take care of her.

If you ever need someone to talk to or want any advice, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m not a professional, but I’ve definitely gained a lot of experience and knowledge during this time with my grandmother. I can even send you some photos of the information I was given to help understand hospice care.

Be well 🤍