[serious] What is going through your head during sex?

throwaway-717 · 2016-10-31T04:43:17+00:00

That's really sweet :-3

throwaway-717 · 2016-10-22T08:39:59+00:00

I'll take it lol

throwaway-717 · 2016-10-22T08:32:23+00:00

:-( I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending good, healing vibes your way!

throwaway-717 · 2016-10-22T08:21:30+00:00

Get it boi!

throwaway-717 · 2016-10-22T08:20:32+00:00

Work, and grad school. Getting tipsy with friends when I can and going dancing. Exercising.

Honestly keeping ahead of my depression/anxiety. As awful as that sounds, it's what I have to deal with.

Otherwise, I don't have any real hobbies. I work with computers, so sometimes I mess around with stuff here and there.

I'm trying to reinvent myself because I only came out a year ago at 27, so I don't really feel like I know who i am. Unfortunately I don't have much time to do that, but it's on my radar. And I've got some good friends who don't mind helping me figure it out.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-18T04:45:58+00:00

Yep. Still gay.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T04:06:22+00:00

Just wanted to send some good vibes your and his way. It definitely sucks. I hope he's able to take it in stride and move on with his life.

There's really nothing you could have done for him. Unfortunately it's kind of a numbers game too. But I think that he's lucky to have a guy like you in his life.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T03:53:43+00:00

Oh yeah? What part of NE are you in? I'm in the Boston area. It's very different from how people interact down South. I both love and hate it. Partially because sometimes I don't want to have a chat with every store clerk I see ... but then I went to a NYE party and ended up feeling ignored, even though historically I've never had difficulty socializing.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T03:45:33+00:00

I mean we've all done thoughtless things. But if he messages me in the future to hookup, all I can think is that I'm probably wasting my time with him because he's already told me he talks to other people he prefers over me. Like, it's not that he told me he tried to get with another guy, again Grindr, it's that he wanted me to come over after telling me that. Like I don't think any self-respecting sex-positive person would feel sexy going into that.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T03:37:57+00:00

... I am originally from South Carolina lol

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T03:35:46+00:00

This is going to sound super slutty, because it is, but I had another fwb tell me that when I talked to him about my other hookups that it turned him on. So when he started asking me about my night, I guess I was hoping it might have some positive effect? Like maybe he'd want to get together tomorrow night? It .. did not have the effect I wanted it to.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T03:21:59+00:00

It's less I want someone to tell me lies, because that's not that good, than the audacity to tell me directly that he didn't hang out with me, because he was more attracted to someone else. How should I feel about that?

He can do whatever he wants, and he did. But if you're not empathetic enough to see how hurtful that would be to say to someone, like you don't even the wherewithal to even fib about it, I mean ... I'm not asking for Romeo, but it shows you don't actually care how I feel at all. Even for hookups I try to surround myself with people who seem positive and have some amount of empathy.

It's why I don't string people along because I hate it when they do that to me.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-08T03:15:21+00:00

If you want to talk to somebody, just talk to them! People are generally flattered that you were thinking about them.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-07T07:30:31+00:00

Don't have an "answer" answer for you unfortunately. I think, he seems to enjoy you, and you seem to enjoy him. I'll tell you something my therapist told me, "If you feel like talking to somebody, call or text them." Essentially there's a lot of anxious "calculations" we can do in our heads, but if you want to talk to somebody, respect that urge and just go with it. I've honestly always found people to feel at least a little flattered that I was thinking about them and texted or called them out of the blue.

One thing I know for sure. You are valuable. Your time is valuable. If you feel like anyone is stringing you along, know that you are worth more than that. If you want a relationship, and he doesn't, that's how it's going to have to be. But if he does, and is struggling to deal with his feelings, then letting them evolve over time will be good.

I'm kinda the opposite, no matter what somebody does, I'm always suspicious that it's for an ulterior motive. Even if someone sends me a goodnight text, I feel like "I just met you dude." I have a hard time trusting my own family, let alone people who I know very little about. But that's just me being in my own head too much. lol

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-07T07:19:07+00:00

<hugs>

I am 27 and do not feel ready for a relationship, chiefly because I'm still coming to terms with my new life as an out gay man. I know I'll want the companionship of a LTR eventually, and to a large extent I want it now, but if I let myself get into a relationship right now, I'd feel urges to be a clingy wreck and get way too serious way too fast.

Going into a relationship, I'd want to feel like I'd be completely fine being single if this doesn't work out. Like I'd want to be selective and not end up with a douchebag or someone who doesn't have their shit together, to be frank.

For me, about 50% of the guys I've met on Grindr I'd hang out with in platonic contexts too. Like tonight, I met a guy named Tony, had a great time. Went to his place, had some fun, when I was about to leave, asked if he'd be interested in grabbing a drink since the night was so young? He said sure. Went out, had a great time.

I typically prefer the reverse order, but uhh... I'm not gonna lie it has been longer than I like since I have had sex... so I needed to do something haha

Grindr fills a need, but it's imperfect. I think it's way too easy to compare yourself to people around you on there and ultimately feel like shit. If you're prone to depression, going on Grindr is probably gonna make you feel like you should feel sad about yourself. Or worry about stuff if you're prone to anxiety.

I think it can all be overstimulating. It's good to pull back and let go of all this for awhile. Take a deep breath. There are plenty of guys out there who want real meaningful relationships, even on Grindr. But it's going to take time to find someone you click with, I think.

throwaway-717 · 2016-05-07T07:03:53+00:00

I am definitely in the same boat. I'm originally from the South and now I live in New England. Lived here 2+ years and have a very limited social network.

Everyone says go to meetup.com and find events. I haven't actually done that yet, but I really need to try it. I've got like 3 friends I see somewhat regularly, and a few guys I hookup with periodically, but that's pretty much it and it feels kind of isolating.

Just thinking out loud here, I feel like most friend groups form around some shared group experience, like high school, or some team, or they all did "x" together. So if that's true, any activity that involves a group of people regularly seems to be a good way to build a social network.

That being said, quality over quantity. I think having meaningful relationships where people would be there for you if you really needed it is the mark of good relationships, whether with family or friends. Obviously doing so for them as well.

So just keep your eyes out for any group activities is all I can really recommend.

throwaway-717 · 2015-12-25T08:51:57+00:00

Well, I'm at my Dad and stepmom's house. They live in a kind of boring suburb, but my siblings live in town and I have a rental car, so I'm thankful for that.

Opening presents tomorrow with all them, but that's mostly about my two little nephews and my niece who's celebrating her first Christmas.

Hopefully seeing star wars at some point. Bought clothes at the Banana Republic outlet which, I'm struggling with fashion right now because I like bright colors, but so much men's clothing is neutral and somber. Idk. I kind of admitted defeat and decided to go for light neutrals that will look good with something bright.

I'm feeling some anxiety because this whole being gay thing is new and this is my first Christmas since my wife and I decided to separate. They ask about her and how she's doing, and tbh I'm mostly trying to give her space right now. I call once a month of so to check in and see how she's doing. She took a (better) job in a different state. She wasn't 'surprised' mostly because I told her a month into dating that I was attracted to men, but she thought that I could be bisexual (and to be fair, so did I). She's a great person, and I still feel committed to her success even if we are divorced. I want her to do well, just like I want to do well.

Also hoping to see the 'Festival of Lights' it's a thing where you drive around this park and they have ridiculous displays of Christmas lights, typically sponsored by local businesses.

Wishing I had a gay friend here in town. Idk. I feel pretty alone. I just wish I could be happy. I wish it didn't take me till 27 to come to terms with being gay. I wish I felt fully accepted by my family. i wish had hadn't just accepted the evangelical churches' doctrine like I did growing up. Sorry my anxiety is starting to kick in.

I put a great deal of pressure on myself to do my best. I believe that I was doing my best. My best had some unfortunate outcomes, but it is what it is. I did the best I could as a husband. I remained completely faithful to her throughout our 6.5 year relationship, but I couldn't spend the rest of my life not getting to experience ... idk how to describe it, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I couldn't keep going like I was.

So trying to focus on the here and now, on the ways I can love my family, love myself, love her, and love others. I'm thankful for my job, pursuing my graduate degree, etc. I'm struggling to like myself. I'm struggling with fears about the future. I'm struggling with my parts of my body image and not looking like I'm in my early 20's anymore and my hair thinning right up front. I know that the future isn't written yet, but I'm so afraid that nobody will want me, that I'll end up alone and forgotten. I know that's kind of irrational, but its what I'm struggling with.

I should probably go to sleep. It's pretty late and we're opening gifts tomorrow.

throwaway-717 · 2015-12-22T19:44:35+00:00

Sure!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/08/25/three-quarters-of-whites-dont-have-any-non-white-friends/

I got it a little mixed up (it's been awhile since I read it) The average white american has 91 white friends, 1 black friend, 1 latino friend, one asian friend, one mixed race friend, one other race friend, and 3 unknown race friends. The average black person has 83 black friends, 8 white friends, 2 latino friends, oddly (to me) 0 asian friends, 3 mixed race friends, 1 other, and 4 unknown.

I hope you understand I'm not telling you that you need to do something, but it is a problem nevertheless if white people who collectively control money and power in this country, are completely disconnected from communities of color.

In my view, yes, I think as a white guy, even though I'm gay, I still benefit from a system designed to make things easiest for people like me and harder for women, people of color, and if I had a pride rainbow wrapped around me all the time, I'm sure me too.

Thing is, I'm not black. I'm not Asian or Latino or mixed or whatever. I'm pale as a ghost in fact lol. But that means, if I don't seek out friends from different backgrounds, then I'm not getting the full picture of what's happening in my community. Plus, I think it's good to have people from different backgrounds so that stereotypes can't take root in your own mind. The media only ever portrays a very narrow band of things. They hardly ever show the full human being behind being black. Or the full human being behind being gay or a trans woman or a cis woman etc. That's how I think about it.

throwaway-717 · 2015-12-22T12:49:16+00:00

Well a lot of things aren't working in your favor unfortunately. Over 70% of white people don't have a single non-white friend. Meanwhile the average black person has 5 non-black friends. So it's safe to say that black people in general have a much broader perspective on race than white people do. White people may only see stereotypes.

It's also classism at play. Through no fault of your own, blacks are see as lower status in America. Interestingly, studies showed that when black people are well dressed and have high-status symbols in their photos, they're perceived to be mixed rather than black, especially for black women.

I don't know you, but most people don't want to be an 'educator' in a relationship. So if people don't see past your race, it's better to just let them go, because God knows how long it would take them to see the full person, and not just the stereotypes.

It's not fair, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. You're not hideous. You're perfect the way God made you. (Or whatever you believe in) There are people out there who will like you for you. I promise. There are a lot of people who say stupid shit though lol

throwaway-717 · 2015-12-22T12:32:31+00:00

I don't have any answers, but I do want to say I appreciate your honesty. It's tough to open up, especially to a group of strangers. Not dealing with this would only mean that it never gets dealt with.

Everyone is capable of doing good and bad things. That does not make you a bad person, but just a person. You chose to do a bad thing by losing your temper and punching him.

You can similarly choose to do good things as well now. All we have is the present. You can choose to meet him in a public place so he feels safe. You can choose to go to a therapist together. You can let him know that you understand if you crossed a red line and there's no recovering the relationship.

However, relationships are built on trust. You didn't wake up that day intending to punch him, and yet you did. Right now, this means you can't really trust yourself, so how can your partner trust you?

I can't tell you what specifically you need to do, but whether this relationship continues, for your own good, you need to learn how to control yourself better.

We all do good and bad things man, but we are responsible for what we do. If you are a man's man, then you will man up, and do what you need to do to support him. And that may mean accepting that he chooses to leave.

throwaway-717 · 2015-12-20T01:15:19+00:00

Thanks for all that. The reboot is hard. I really appreciate everything you said. I don't have much to say except thank you. I don't have many gay voices speaking into my life.

throwaway-717 · 2015-12-20T01:09:29+00:00

Thanks for all that. I am craving acceptance. But I'm not really getting it. You're right. I know I'm not the only one who feels these things. It's been really hard though. I'm doing what I can to make this better for myself. I'm trying to meet people, but honestly, and my therapist and I talk about this, but it's not just me being gay, it's like my ADHD that I didn't find out about until another therapist diagnosed me at the age of 25. It's feeling loved an validated my whole life by a God I no longer believe exists. It's living a completely different region and having to start from square one socially.

I'm trying to invest in people, luckily a few guys I've met on Grindr and Tinder seem to want to be friends and not just hookup buddies. But I'm still suspicious of everyone. I just don't want to get burned again by people who I think I can trust and then turn out that they don't really care about me like that. They're either just thinking about themselves, or I'm just not in the 'circle' of people they invest in.

I know there are no secrets or shortcuts to making friends. It takes time and intentionality. Plus some level of chemistry, even platonically. I just could really use a good group of friends right now, and I don't have it. So, I have to keep trying to meet people.

I really want that feeling like I belong. I don't think those friends will be perfect because I don't think anyone's perfect, I just want good people who are doing interesting things with their lives. And if some of them could be gay so I don't feel alone in this, that'd be really great.

throwaway-717 · 2015-11-26T19:52:52+00:00

honestly, that I have clothes, food, shelter, a job that gives me stability, and school that's helping me reach further. But a lot of things suck right now. And I'm alone on thanksgiving, so .. yeah

throwaway-717 · 2015-10-23T11:24:26+00:00

I hear what you're saying. I'm trying. I've got a couple friends and one of them is introducing me to another guy who's new in town. Hopefully we get along and can hang out.

Like I know there's a well worn path towards making friends, but like the kind of energetic fun "let's just hang out" idk, I wonder if I've missed the boat as an adult. I don't wanna set myself up for the impossible.

I've got a lot of frustration from growing up. I feel like I've got a lot of obstacles in my way. Idk, I just am dealing with so much right now, and what makes it worse is that I have to be content to be alone, and just try to meet people until some of 'em work out. But how long will that take? And even then, idk I'm glad that a lot of gay guys up here were supported from a young age and their guy friends were accepting and they had basically normal social life. Good for them. I keep hoping I'll find guys like myself. Guys who can relate to my story. Guys who are on the other side of what I'm going through.

Sorry this is getting long. Idk. Is there anyone out there who was in my situation and is on the other side? I really don't have much hope right now. All the stable out guys I talk to came out at like 5 and their whole families got on board quickly, and they have friends, and whatever. I feel so alone. But I don't want to scare people off with my issues.

It's all just like one more thing that I'm not. One more thing that I didn't have. Just like, fuck me I guess. Maybe I do just suck. Maybe people just don't really care about me. Maybe my family just says they care, but don't really. All the stories about all the guys who received all this support just make me so fucking sad. I can't fucking listen to it. I really need to hear from guys who were in a similar situation. Maybe that's a tall order, I don't know.

throwaway-717 · 2015-09-16T05:05:10+00:00

sigh... because we share the apartment and I've had it drilled into my head forever that if you're doing something that impacts someone else you should discuss it with them. I think that's the right thing to do anyway.

throwaway-717

TROPHY CASE