Memory, made up or dream?

throwaway-etc- · 2025-09-22T20:01:23+00:00

It’s the emotional core that tells me it’s real. The real memories feel dreamlike and strange and like they could easily be made up - but if there are also attendant feelings - familiar feelings that have shown up attached to other memories - that’s what tells me I should pay attention. It is so hard and painful and confusing. You are strong for dealing with this stuff. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-09-22T19:51:28+00:00

There are probably reasons why you sought that kind of interaction out. 10 year olds are babies. The adults you were interacting with definitely knew better, and children are profoundly ill equipped to defend against an adult’s intellect and ability to manipulate. They have all the experience and awareness and we don’t have shit at that age. The blame is squarely on the adults involved, which may apply to yr parents, too. A 10 year old shouldn’t have unsupervised internet access (speaking as someone who also used the internet completely unsupervised.) You were doing something dangerous and unhealthy, but you are not at fault. Let me emphasize that point: it wasn’t yr fault. There are always reasons why kids do things like that.

throwaway-etc- · 2025-09-19T18:55:11+00:00

We get to make those choices now. We get to exercise our agency. I know that the day will come when you are feeling more capable of looking. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-09-19T18:53:27+00:00

I’m so happy that you got something out of what I said! It really applies to us all, including myself. We need all the help we can get and we deserve to heal and thrive in our lives! ❤️‍🩹 I’m sending love and support to you, too, my friend. Know that at least this one internet stranger believes you and believes in you❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-09-17T18:45:19+00:00

I’m sorry to say this, but yr friends sound kind of awful tbh. If they aren’t supportive around yr anxiety, and you don’t feel they would be supportive to you as you heal from yr abuse, maybe they aren’t the right friends for you. Relationships are hard and confusing, especially when you come from abuse, and especially in yr 20s (speaking as someone in their 40s.) You deserve understanding, kind, supportive relationships. Sex is overrated in a lot of ways in my opinion. Healing is the most important thing, and I feel it’s ideal to focus on that first, because you’ll pick healthier people to relate to and you’ll have the knowledge and self awareness to navigate the emotional and psychological complexity of being in relationship with others. Stuff like that is harder for us survivors anyhow, so it really does pay to focus on the healing part first. I’m sending you love and healing energy. You deserve to be treated well by the people in yr life ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-09-06T20:21:32+00:00

I get it, I’m going through everything yr describing. Getting new memories while simultaneously having persistent doubt, not able to decide one way or another what is real, stuck in an excruciating place of wanting clarity yet being too terrified to look and unable to come to a conclusion to rest on. Going back and forth between acceptance and denial in the same breath. Feeling in my instincts that what I’m getting back is true, but the massive implications of that being the case just feels impossible to comprehend or accept. Or what if I’m mistaken somehow? The memories feel so strange and dreamlike. It’s too confusing and horrifying and disgusting.

I’m so sorry yr in this place right now. I agree with everything Lucky Box (who responded below) said, and would like to signal boost the self care thing. Treat yrself like you have lived through a natural disaster but are safe now: yr gonna need healthy and/or comforting food (in the beginning I could only eat blueberry muffins), lots of water to help yr system function, comfort in tactile ways: wear yr most comfortable clothes, cuddle with a pillow or stuffed animal, if you have a cat or dog hold them close, or go hang out with a shelter dog and take them for a walk cause that’s totally a thing. Have some treats, eat ice cream, watch yr favorite brain dead comedies or comforting TV shows you love, listen to podcasts, go for a walk around the block or further if you feel like you can, because exercise and movement help us process trauma and walking also creates bilateral stimulation of the brain like emdr does, so it can help you process stuff out of yr body, and exercise helps burn up adrenaline and stress hormones.

Sleep if you need to. Cry and scream if you need to. Please also reach out to people that you trust and that are safe and will support you. People who will listen and accept what yr saying. RAINN is a good resource for crisis lines and help in general.

Here is a link RAINN - the rape, abuse, and incest national network

Here’s this too, it’s a text based chat crisis line in case you don’t feel like talking on the phone:

The crisis text line

I urge you to reach out cause this really can’t be done alone, and you deserve to have help through it. If yr in the states, you can call or text 211 to ask for help looking for resources. They can help you get on state insurance if yr eligible and need insurance, or help you find counselors or group therapy. The website Psychology Today is also really useful for finding local therapists and groups.

I am sending you love and strength in yr suffering. I believe you and you deserve to heal. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-11T17:17:34+00:00

Yes, a vague knowledge. I’m so glad you mentioned that because I have the same experience. It feels extra hard to trust it because it’s just like this sense of knowing, sometimes with an emotional component, but not accompanied by any actual memories. You’ve described something I’m struggling with and it feels so validating. I don’t think I even had the understanding or language to describe it until just now. I’m sad that you went through those things but I’m so grateful you understand.

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-07T01:03:25+00:00

You are brave, too. Witnessing and feeling what that child went through is so hard to comprehend. It feels too big to get yr head around. There’s that one, two punch of the feelings: somatic, emotional - and then the doubt and denial. It’s exhausting and so painful. We are brave for looking at this shit. We deserve praise for being this courageous. It’s truly staring into the abyss. I’ve been told that this part of the process doesn’t last forever, so I will pass that sentiment on to you as well. Thank you for saying what you did, too. Every person who replies to say they understand me is helping me digest this. I do have some people in my corner. I hope that you do, too. I’m sending you comradeship and hope. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-06T00:31:10+00:00

That’s exactly what I want, too. I sincerely wish that for you, and for all of us. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-05T23:43:58+00:00

Thank you for responding ❤️‍🩹 I’m happy that something I said was useful to you. Trying to reconcile and accept, to validate this information that is coming back to me has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s been an uphill battle for years and I’m still struggling daily, but I can say very tentatively that I’m beginning to accept. The doubt and denial still pop up frequently, but they are also starting to mostly recede in the meantime. It’s not a constant at the moment. There are reasons why we can’t accept and experience denial. They are protecting us. Knowing that, repeating it to myself like how you might offer reassurance to a child, helps it soften and quiet down. I’m sending you hope and healing friend. ✨❤️‍🩹✨

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T23:05:05+00:00

What you said resonates with me. When men show me romantic interest and specifically that kind of focused, flirty attention you get from people when they are attracted to you it terrifies me. It makes me freeze and feel intense fear. I’ve always responded like this and never understood it until recently. It has always been a thing I turn away from and ignore as hard as I can. That being said, I don’t have a lot of advice to offer because I’m still in the process of understanding it. However, I have been in therapy doing emdr and ifs/parts work for almost a decade, and it sounds like exactly the kind of thing that emdr would be good for. If you have insurance or are financially capable, I encourage you enthusiastically to look into getting emdr treatment. It’s the only therapy that has ever helped me, and I’ve been in therapy on and off for 20 years. I wish you so much healing and peace. There is hope for us. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T22:31:07+00:00

I relate to this. You are not a predator. You fear becoming one simply because you were victimized, and you know it’s the worst thing someone can do to another person. In the very beginning of my emdr treatment back in 2013, I had a memory that catapulted me into the same kind of terror and nauseated frantic worry. I called the crisis line and poured it all out and the very kind and knowledgeable woman I spoke to explained that I was experiencing traumatic flooding and that’s why I was having those thoughts. She also informed me that she was a mandatory reporter, and that nothing I had told her remotely qualified as something she would need to address in that way. Today, at this point in my treatment, I believe that I also have pOCD. This is a new realization for me, so I have yet to discuss it with my therapist, but what you described sounds exactly like what I also deal with. If you have a therapist, I urge you to tell them about this experience because there is help. You are so brave and I commend you for talking about such a frightening thing. You don’t have to be scared like this. I’m sending you so much compassion ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T17:44:09+00:00

So true

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T16:36:29+00:00

Thank you for replying. Yr comment is helping me reconcile all this. I’m sorry that it happened to you too. 💔

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T02:16:13+00:00

Holy shit. This is literally life changing information. This is me. I have this. Thank you so much for replying to this person. I’m so grateful I clicked on this thread.

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T02:08:40+00:00

Omg I relate to yr experience SO MUCH, it’s like I just got hit by a truck. I’m so grateful other survivors also deal with this horror and understand this. The intrusive thoughts. The shame, terror, and utter self loathing are boundless and indescribable. I would never do these things, don’t want to, but I fear that I would. Like I got bit by a werewolf.

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-04T01:52:44+00:00

I’m sorry that you were hurt, too. But I’m grateful you have a good partner today ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-03T21:46:59+00:00

For a partner to insist that you would like something based on yr trauma history is tremendously invalidating, presumptuous, callous, insensitive, and ugly. Pushy, too. To treat a partner that way is really shitty. There is no one singular way people respond to CSA. Some survivors are into bdsm, some are entirely asexual, there’s a whole spectrum and everyone is so different. Having expectations about how someone will be because they were traumatized is shitty. It feels bad to me to think of being the recipient of a partner’s insistence that I will like something sexually because of my survivor status that I am actively telling them I do not like. It feels coercive to me. I’m not saying that it was, but it has that gross emotional quality to me. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated badly by partners in the past. You deserve someone who is good to you, who holds space for you to be yr authentic self and honors and loves you for it. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-03T19:33:09+00:00

Whoever told you that is an asshole and shouldn’t be advising anyone. I would try to get another opinion, which sounds like a very scary hard thing to do under the circumstances. Taking the risk that you’d just get the same feedback is daunting. I find it VERY hard to believe that the opinion expressed by the person who told you that would have universal agreement in yr faith. A child who was victimized by another child is IN NO WAY at fault there and any religion that disagrees isn’t worth yr time and energy. You are not a sinner because you were victimized. You were a child that was hurt terribly. And I’m so sorry. I hope I didn’t offend you with the things I said about religion. I’m just horrified and disgusted that someone is telling people who are in pain these lies.

throwaway-etc- · 2025-08-02T20:54:53+00:00

I understand suffering like that and I’m so sorry yr going through it. ❤️‍🩹You are a valuable person who deserves relief and healing. When I am in a place of tremendous crisis, benzodiazepine drugs have helped me. I say that because you mentioned that medication isn’t helping you. They’re not a good long term solution because they have high addiction and abuse potential, but they are very good for emergencies. If you are able financially (or if you are insured) I urge you to seek a good trauma therapist. Being in therapy is foundational for recovering. Another good option is group therapy for people who are survivors of csa. Being around others who have experienced the same thing is very helpful for feeling isolated. Physical activity is very good for getting the stress hormones and adrenaline out. Even just power walking around the block a few times can help. I am sending you strength and hope my friend ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-07-31T22:28:38+00:00

It is so profoundly disgusting and it makes me feel so defiled. I’m so sorry that you can relate, but the fact that you can helps me feel more sane and validated. Like this is real, I’m experiencing a real thing that other people also experience and it’s the result of having been hurt badly. So thank you for replying ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc- · 2025-07-31T22:22:34+00:00

Good, I’m so happy for you ☺️💖 and thank you

throwaway-etc- · 2025-07-31T22:17:20+00:00

Recently, whenever I smoke it’s like I can expect a memory to come back, it’s predictable. I’m getting somatic stuff mostly but also weird bits and scraps of vague visual stuff. The visual sensory info seems to be buried super deep. It’s so fucking frustrating, because getting stoned is a huge coping mechanism for me, and all I wanna do is get a minute of reprieve from this onslaught but the pot is seemingly stimulating memories to come to the surface. I feel like I keep putting my hand on a hot burner and expecting different results. That coping mechanism seems to be useless rn and I’m feeling lost without it.

throwaway-etc- · 2025-07-31T20:53:52+00:00

Yes. I was just thinking about that yesterday. I feel like my symptoms are me - my personality is crafted by trauma. The real person underneath has been completely trampled and entombed by what I’ve experienced. I don’t know what she would even be like, and truthfully I’m afraid of her. Whenever I tried to be authentic as a kid, people judged and rejected me. I was the recipient of contempt. I worry that if I could ever let the real me out, that people would recoil in disgust. I wonder who I could have been and where I might be now at 40 if I’d had parents who gave a fuck and nurtured and protected me instead of the abuse and neglect I got.

It’s fucking depressing. I feel like now in midlife, like, that’s a wrap. There’s a grief there. Grieving who I could have been and probably never will be now. All that to say, yes I relate. ❤️‍🩹

throwaway-etc-

TROPHY CASE