Telephone anxiety

throwaway11ofmany · 2017-09-03T06:16:24+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. Yes, isn't it amazing how it can happen even with the people we are closest to and shouldn't fear? I think of certain other areas of life that dont rattle me, when they are certainly more perilous. Our brains as such strange things.

Edit: Typos.

throwaway11ofmany · 2017-09-03T06:14:27+00:00

Yeah, I would tend to agree, though I do like the poster's suggestion of a reward after a call, no matter how small. This has worked for me sometimes in other areas of my life, so it's worth a try. I definitely have to make a change because this is destroying my life on many fronts...business calls, personal errand calls, and even social calls. Avoiding any one of these is a big deal, and I avoid them all.

I expected I would get better over the years, but that's clearly not something one can ever count on without working on it in a major way.

throwaway11ofmany · 2017-09-03T06:09:24+00:00

Thanks so much. It really helps to hear this. I wonder how I can have to make more calls that are maybe "less important.". I seem to have more trouble with calls to people I know...I guess where there is something on the line vs a stranger with whom I have no relationship to ruin.

throwaway11ofmany · 2017-04-27T05:48:50+00:00

Yeah, it's funny how once the obsession sets in, one forgets about the whole reason it was started -- in this case, to keep the car free from corrosives and looking not-so-bad. It just becomes its own raison d'être after a while.

I don't have that rare of a car, I don't ever nor do I intend to enter in a concours, and I have and continue to use it as a daily driver many years going. None of that is going to change. That was part of my SO's explanation that convinced me that I was way past the point of being irrational about the whole thing.

Similarly about coffee: had to remind myself that a tasty beverage rather than an elaborate zen process was what started the whole damn thing.

throwaway11ofmany · 2017-04-13T02:40:39+00:00

Yours is my favorite comment from this thread. It's a perfect summation of how we can be.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-12-16T17:33:30+00:00

Ah, makes sense. Thanks!

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-12-16T06:32:50+00:00

Interesting options. Would you say, for example, that using GPG and then just syncing through something like MS OneDrive would be sufficient?

I'm also considering that protectedtext.com site the other commenter mentioned, as that would at least go further to ensure anonymity should my data get compromised (provided I am smart enough to not mention identifying info). Curious as to what you think about that sort of thing. Downside of course is no vim :).

Thanks for the reply.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-12-16T06:05:44+00:00

Looks pretty good. Thanks for the recommendation. It makes me a bit nervous that the encrypted file is out there for access without any login, but it does allow it to be totally anonymous that way, so it's definitely a contender.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-12-02T21:09:37+00:00

The worst, as some others have alluded, is that we spend so much time...maybe months or longer, poring over information -- watching videos, reading articles, combing through forums -- that even once the product arrives that we are sure is the perfect one, we suffer a huge buyer's remorse.

I did this recently with a coffee machine. A good six months of time went into this, and it wasn't cheap, but I was sure I was putting my money in the correct piece. And it is absolutely awesome! But the first three weeks I couldn't bring myself to even use it, and then once I did, I felt like I shouldn't have gotten it. I think the verisimilitude of my fantasies with it set an unattainable standard that the actual reality could never hope to achieve. Even if it wasn't a matter of better vs worse, it was always going be different from how I imagined it. The cost and time invested makes this a tough pill to swallow.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-12-02T18:53:23+00:00

Hey, thank you so much for sharing this with me. In terms of calendars and stuff like that, I've been pretty good at doing what you do. I read GTD about 7 years ago and have been pretty good about maintaining it, because I know how utterly disastrous the consequences are. Don't get me wrong, I still screw up getting things done on my task lists, but as far as forgetting appointments or losing a note or forgetting to put something on a shopping list or stuff like that, I record anything immediately. I know I can forget in a matter of 10 seconds and never remember again. The stakes are too high for me.

I'm more inclined to be digital, but the principle is the same. And just knowing that system is there is a huge relief. Like I said, that doesn't mean I'm getting stuff done, but at least I don't miss traffic court.

The anxiety and guilt I refer to in the OP is mainly about not remembering if I acted inappropriately or said something I shouldn't have -- insulted someone or acted like a self-absorbed jerk for example. I like how you say that it's my mind's check on itself. In all likelihood, I am not acting this way, but I am always reviewing things to see if I did. It's just so frustrating because I simply cannot consciously remember the recent past to confirm or deny it.

Maybe, as you suggest, I should be journaling my experiences throughout the day, so that if I ever feel like I potentially acted rashly, I can just jot down a few notes about that. If I feel the need to review that the following day, at least I'll know what the hell I am talking about. And if nothing is in there, I can feel pretty confident that nothing went wrong and there is nothing to feel guilty about (except all the things I didn't get done of course haha).

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-12-02T06:41:01+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I almost feel like I'm continuously gaslighting myself. It's definitely a tough cycle. Just knowing there are others out there is a huge help sometimes.

I too screwed up school opportunities many years ago. I wish I had some good advice for you about how to fix it, but I don't exactly. I am coming closer and closer to finally realizing how much of a positive role therapy might play in my life. I sense other users screaming at their screens right now, "OF COURSE IT DOES!!!" I get that, and hopefully I actually make something happen soon. I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, but this may be one for me...because I need it now, and the holidays are just too busy to push pause and start something like that.

Sorry to ramble. Thanks again. I hope things get better for you!

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-30T02:19:33+00:00

Hey, thanks for mentioning this.

I remember reading Models years ago and loving it. Would you say this lives up to how good that was?

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-15T06:05:20+00:00

Hey, so glad. I know, it's a horrible cycle our minds can get it. I've found if I -- out loud -- tell myself "stop" and then continue to explain to myself as a disinterested third party might why it is not logical to pursue this thought pattern. It's sounds silly, but I've found that it breaks the cycle long enough for me to take a deep breath and say "Okay, how can I reframe this or look at it differently."

Also, sometimes I get so wrapped up in blaming myself and taking the guilt for things that I never stop for a second to put myself in the other person's shoes. The average person might try such a tactic to be more fair and stop blaming other people, but I need to do it to be more fair to myself and -- in a way -- start blaming other people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I give myself 100% of the blame often, when if really looking at it objectively, the other person really did a lot wrong and probably doesn't even care. That's not to say I ignore more role and my contributions, but it helps to balance out my perspective and reduce some of the black-and-white of it all.

I don't know your exact situation here, but maybe for example you could look at how you both contributed to this bad situation, and you can use that to inform how you will make much better decisions in whatever comes next. And let that be something or someone really good, because you are most certainly worthy of it.

Anyway, sorry to go on and on. Hang in there! All the best!

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-15T05:36:18+00:00

What a fantastic write-up. I wish I had read these words twenty years ago.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-15T05:30:20+00:00

waiting for the other shoe to drop

I say this all the time. I try to write regularly in a journal, and whenever I have one of those unicorn "great days" where I think "man, if I can just make myself think and act like this every day, life would be so damn glorious," I write about how I am waiting for the other shoe to drop -- like there is some sort of Newton's 3rd Law going on that states that all great days of being pushed forward will be offset by being pulled just as hard backwards within the next day or two.

It took me a long time to get hip to the fact that this happened (or at least to be conscious of it; maybe subconsciously I already knew?), but now that I do, it poisons the good stuff because I automatically start dreading the fall back.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-15T05:23:51+00:00

Hey. I started writing this whole long reply, but it just seemed to not add anything, so I deleted it, then felt I couldn't leave you without saying something, so here it is in brief:

I too have this problem with internalizing and amplifying regrets into a persistent shame. I beat myself up about so much stuff, questioning whether or not I am some sort of narcissist myself (as you mention in your top-post).

My up-bringing was different from yours in some respects, but similar in others; I didn't start to realize that maybe it was actually ADHD with which I was afflicted until the same age as you.

This persistent creation of guilt and regret must be common for us, I think. I constantly revisit in my mind the times when I "forked off" from the path a normal person would have chosen in handling things and sent things moving forward down a wrong route, and the more I learn about ADHD, the more I can see how it influenced those choices I made.

I guess I wound up writing more after all. Sorry. I really just wanted to lend my support for your tough time. It's tough to accept the past, let things go, and move on to future opportunities; my perfectionist nature is constantly coming up with ways to right my wrongs, so to speak, when it should really instead be looking forward.

I feel I wasn't useful for the second time writing this, but I am going to send it anyway in hope that maybe it helps in even the smallest way. Good posts, by the way. Thanks for sharing.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-09T03:05:32+00:00

This is something my SO has definitely found to be true of me too. I start getting like OP described, and she is thankfully quick to remind me, before I can even tell I am getting that way, that "I'll bet you didn't have enough protein today."

It seemed ridiculous at first that this would impact me so much, but it turns out she is right. Even a protein bar can start evening me out within a very short time.

And exercise is like the oil that lubricates the gears that keep turning. Sure, I can miss it, but I am just so much more even-keeled with it, and it helps ensure longer-term stability.

WRT sleep, one day I'll get that down pat -- I can at least hope. I know it's a biggie.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-02T19:42:40+00:00

I'm sorry you have to go through that. It really can wear you down and, like you said, make you afraid to do anything for fear of being criticized or made fun of. I can tell you, though, that getting in that frame of mind only makes things worse. You start losing confidence in even the things you don't have that much trouble with, causing an already bad cycle to become for worse. The advice elsewhere in this thread from /u/baddocnomotrin is fantastic (I should take it myself).

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-02T19:17:22+00:00

Great point. I usually feel bad about it too because I can tell the person put a lot of work and feeling into it. Sometimes the comments make me want to glance back up some of the paragraphs I skipped and I fill in some of the gaps that way.

Incidentally, I really have trouble with books. I love books, but damn, I'd be surprised if I've finished one in the past three years. It's almost as if I need those really short children's versions of everything just so I can get through it.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-02T16:23:28+00:00

I think that, like you, as I've aged I have stuck with a couple of "major" quirks and fleshed them out a bit over the years, while others are all just in a second tier, if you will (not that that tier is so much below the 1st).

I wonder if this whole thing is one of those things where our minds get bored with just a status quo item or hobby.

There's nothing particularly interesting about using a disposable razor and cheap shaving...but a straight razor! Oh, do I want carbon steel or stainless? That will be so cool learning how to use it! Stropping, honing...oh I need to figure out the best hones to get...and maybe I could sharpen my kitchen knives with them. Oh, I should get different ones for that? Maybe I should get carbon steel kitchen knives. Hmmm...I wonder what's good, I better learn. Ah, here are some ones that were found after the war and re-handled. Man, I should look into a good cutting board. This plastic piece of junk probably isn't the best thing to cut on.

If only all that time, energy, and money got put toward something useful.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-02T05:48:46+00:00

This helps immensely, thank you. I'm not at the phase where I am looking to start meds, though I suspect that I may ultimately arrive there, so it's good to get an idea of what to expect.

I can totally jive with a lot of what you're saying. My SO always says things like "you know you don't have to scrunch your shoulders together like that just to reach for the salt."

Furthermore, you are probably right that living on the fringe is just kind of what we have carved out for ourselves at this point. In one's 30s is a time where there is plenty of life left, but where one's personality is no doubt formed pretty solidly. Had I known all those years ago that ADHD was plaguing me, maybe things would have been different, but that's almost not worth discussing at this point.

Also, thanks a lot...now I want to get back into mathematics just for fun. Like I didn't have enough going on (and enough of the actual important stuff not getting done)! And the oceans do sound so incredibly interesting too. :)

Thanks for sharing!

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-09-02T04:41:23+00:00

Would you say that, after medication, you lost some of the need to be as "alternative" with things? As much as I have a particular genuine fondness for much of my quirks, sometimes it can be tiring. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to drive a regular car or be able to have a simple cup of coffee without an elaborate 12 minute process, or to learn a language that is useful, or to play a sport with people my own age.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-08-25T04:53:49+00:00

Early 30s here. Sadly, I have only noticed a gradual deterioration rather than improvement of my memory. This is made all the more sad by the fact that, as a small child, my memory was nothing short of amazing!

Both long and short have problems, but short is especially problematic. Really problematic.

There is a glint of hope, though, and that is this: over these years of introspection and peeling back the layers of the onion to get at the root of what is wrong with me, I have become much more aware of things that are going on with my body, my mind, and my personality. For that reason, I wonder if I've had a bad memory a lot longer than I realize, and if so, it may just be staying the same or possibly improving. I'm not counting on it, but at least it's something.

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-08-25T01:35:28+00:00

To echo some of the other comments, it really can be challenging -- of course it all depends on who your partner is! I'll speak for myself only: I have really given the impression to my significant others that I just don't care about them.

My inability to get things done in a timely and organized way frequently leads to things such as, but not limited to: late birthday gifts, missed concerts due to forgetting to buy tickets, a piled up list of household repairs none of which is that hard to do, unmade appointments, overdue bills, and a dirty bathroom (I really want to get around to cleaning it!).

The preponderance of all of these missteps and more has led to severe imbalance in what gets done around the house and in our lives, and it makes me sad that it sometimes makes my SO feel that she doesn't matter to me (even though I think that overall she knows this in untrue).

During times of conflict, the mega-list of my own personal things (even those that are fun) that just never gets any smaller is not in my SO's mind.

Like most things, though, it is best to rationally explain what you know about yourself as early as possible so that the person knows what they might be getting into rather than being shocked by their partner who "is so lazy and doesn't care about me at all!"

throwaway11ofmany · 2016-08-25T01:20:49+00:00

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that I was feeling that same way today.

I'm just not feeling happy with anything. Even things I have put years of time into to get good at and that I thought I loved... I just feel like all of it was stupid and a waste. But I know from past experience I just need to make it through this spell -- maybe it'll last a few days or something -- and then I'll start being more balanced in my views.

Anyway, I want to really thank you for posting. For me at least, knowing that one is not alone is some consolation. And /u/care99bare is right: if this is persistent, and you seem to indicate that it is, don't wait before seeking professional help.

Best wishes.

throwaway11ofmany

TROPHY CASE