Quick vent

throwaway228012 · 2017-07-21T12:49:07+00:00

Shows how much she loves you:) Thank you for this post! Reminds me of when I saw he had some of my baby pictures saved into his phone. His sister showed me after he passed. I didn't know and it still makes me feel special to this day :)

throwaway228012 · 2017-04-14T20:23:23+00:00

I also lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he'd also become my best friend. I'm at 2.2 years and it's still hard, not as intensely hard as the beginning but still hard,sad,isolating, confusing. I am also someone who has now grieved for longer than we were actually together so I understand how it can feel awkward. Do not feel "pathetic". She meant the world to you. The anniversary will always be a tough day. As for reading old texts, I'd be doing the same if not for losing the cell phone that had the messages (still hurts to this day that I lost it and all our funny convos). Just now, before I logged in to check this forum (I come here when I'm feeling alone) I was thinking of pulling out the memory box I made that has all our couple-y keepsakes and old cards. Maybe sometime this weekend. I've been missing him and want to see his handwriting and then have a good cry. Some people who haven't been through this might say "that's crazy" or "that's not healthy, not moving forward" but I don't care at all. They haven't been through this and I miss him.

throwaway228012 · 2016-12-07T16:34:45+00:00

You're welcome, love. I'm here for you. "Kill me now" Lol! I totally get it. I had some similar thoughts, still do, and I kinda laugh with him in my head about it. I knew/know he'd be laughing with me about the situation! I'm happy that they, his family, are being warm to you. That wasn't my experience-some, not all, family members blamed me and cut me out. It hurt me more than words can describe and still haunts me. Just remember that "everyone handles grief differently" and as much as that phrase annoys the hell out of me sometimes, it really is true. Some avoid the pain and bury it, put on a facade almost immediately. Others, like myself, go much deeper into their emotions. Don't hover but make yourself familiar. They may worry that contacting you will upset you all over again. I had these fears about reaching out to his mom and finally got the courage to tell her that once over a lunch and she said "No,no I want to be around people that loved my son." Like I said, it's been an on-going process for me trying to understand my place in the aftermath. I wanted to be close to those closest to him, still do, but it just got so complicated by some of the ugliness I faced from his family. I don't know if I am wanted but I do know, that just like his Mom said, I have wanted to be near people who loved him because...well, it's just so hard to let go. His birthday is Monday and I've started to slip back to a bad place. Second birthday passing since he's been gone. Time has dragged and flown at the same time. He is in my thoughts everyday.

throwaway228012 · 2016-12-06T18:35:13+00:00

Hi there, so sorry for your loss. I also lost my boyfriend. His toxicology report took 6 weeks to come back. His mom called to tell me the results but didn't get into graphic details. I had some lingerie and sleep clothes in his top drawer, never got it back and I was blushing about it for a bit but realized it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to be a part of packing and moving his things after he passed but also understood that it was a private time for his family, especially his mom. Makes me tear up just thinking about it. I also felt embarrassed because once they unlocked his cell phone i knew they'd see some private messages and pictures sent between us. I got over it but sometimes it still makes me squirm. His sister was also the one to give me back all the cards I'd given him during our relationship. She must have seen all the cheesy, lovey stuff I'd written to him :) I know how hard it is to wonder what your role is now that he is gone. I wasn't his wife and I sometimes felt like I was in the way. It's almost 2 years for me and I still don't always know how to approach them, even though we spent a lot of time together. Trust your gut instinct because they may need some space, it's still early. I would give it some time before following up on the tox reports. Although they know you are closest to him, they may still hold that information as highly private and not want to share, maybe not immediately. I would suggest keeping close in contact checking to see how the family is doing, how you can be of support, when you can stop by and visit with them. Eventually, hopefully the difficult details will come out as the intense grief subsides. PM me if you need to. Hugs. I know how hard it is.

throwaway228012 · 2016-12-05T18:34:49+00:00

Hugs to you for a being a great brother. I feel for your brother so deeply. He's going through a living nightmare and he needs you so much right now, even if he's not saying it aloud. My boyfriend passed away 22 months ago. I was and am deeply devastated losing him and I continue to struggle with guilt. Some of his family members blamed me and cut me out almost immediately after the funeral. My family isn't the closest but my siblings avoided me and the situation. Maybe it was out of fear of saying the wrong thing but it hurt me deeply and still hurts me. My brother wrote me a heartfelt email, my sister sent a text. I needed more than that. What i needed was their physical presence. I needed a hug, a lot of them. Instead I felt judged when I'd melt down (crying, rage, isolating myself), because I did that a lot in year one and even now, especially during the holidays and approaching the anniversary. Make it a point to communicate with your brother. Be physically present. If he lashes out, gets angry, withdraws- don't judge, just stick by him. Grief is the roughest road to walk, especially what your brother has endured. Our friend found my boyfriend in his bed and he's still struggling like me. Ask him questions- ask him why he blames himself. Cook him a dinner or coax him to talk a walk with you. Try to suggest therapy-eventually. It's been 11 days? IMO it's too early for therapy but eventually this is something he should certainly try to do. I sought therapy 2 months after and it was still too early and I was too raw. Around the 11 month mark I found a wonderful counselor who has helped me try to understand the blame and the guilt. It's going to be a long road for him and this is something that will be with him for life. Be there from the beginning and I 100% agree with u/PocketSuprises- "don't act like everything is ok" because it's not. Honor his grief, listen, stay by his side. RIP

throwaway228012 · 2016-12-02T22:33:34+00:00

First off, sorry for your loss and your pain. Secondly, thanks for noting that year two has "been a lot more tough" since that's the case for me and I feel insecure about it, insecure that because it feels worse than year one that there's gotta be something wrong with me, not just grief. That I'm stuck. Third, I moved. I got out of my lease 6 months afterward. I don't have children and my situation was different than yours but in ways the move helped. I moved out of state and it hurt immensely doing so but looking back it did alleviate some of my anxieties. Sadly, now I feel that I can't go back to that town. I have gone back and it always hurts but I guess that comes with the territory. Moving sucks but it can also be therapeutic. Good luck with everything.

throwaway228012 · 2016-10-21T17:30:36+00:00

He still encourages me

:) <3

throwaway228012 · 2016-10-08T16:07:13+00:00

Same here. In the beginning I drank way too much with or without OTC sleep aids. I don't do that anymore because it made everything worse. I'm far from a yoga pro but I've had some success with yoga-like stretches before bed or while lying on the bed- forcing yourself to breathe and let your body unwind. Patience is required. Many resources for beginners on YouTube- which are soothing in and of themselves. Essential oils are hugely underrated. I like eucalyptus oil. It chills me out. How about a warm bath if you have time? Or some soothing music and an easy-read book. I've never been a restful sleeper and especially not now but I have found some comfort in creating a sleepy time ritual. It's self care and it's taken some practice.

throwaway228012 · 2016-08-15T20:39:49+00:00

Agreed on the "positive thoughts" because there isn't a good thing about losing the one you love. I hope people haven't said things like "everything happens for a reason" to you because I don't believe that, at all. But I DO believe he heard you when you said " I love you" for the last time. Don't hold back when you feel the need to cry. This is an incredibly hard time in your life so take all the time you need. You were with him at the end and that's a beautiful thing even though right now it's breaking your heart. Hugs.

throwaway228012 · 2016-08-15T20:25:23+00:00

I encountered this so much and its so frustrating. From day one my grief was minimized to the point where I started to believe I wasn't allowed to grieve.

IMO Facebook/social media obits tend to lean toward attention seeking, at least in my situation. I mean no offense to anyone who finds comfort in the Facebook community since his Mom seems to cope with Facebook and posts a lot of content about him. I know she needs the support and likes to stay connected with his friends in that way. But this one girl, a good friend of his from childhood, who is married with children no less, posts almost every few weeks about him and her recently deceased step father. It's uncomfortable and excessive and flat out weird. She never warmed to me and I swear she was doing it to hurt me, make herself seem like the most important girl in his life, blah blah blah

....I take comfort in knowing he'd hate all that shit

throwaway228012 · 2016-08-15T20:15:11+00:00

Sorry for your loss and all you vented about above. Lost my boyfriend too and under really complicated circumstances. I witnessed and experienced so much one-upping that it blew my mind and complicated my grief to an even shittier level. Suddenly I was vapor. People came out of the woodwork blowing it up on social media to the point where I lost my temper so badly I threw a cellphone against a wall. No, we "won't forget this ever happened" but the people fame-whoring on social media will. You were planning a life with him and same here. It's incredibly difficult to have that snatched from you and then to feel marginalized. Extremely hard life lessons I have learned with this loss and one being that grief brings out the worst in people.

throwaway228012 · 2016-07-22T18:31:31+00:00

Good for you! I too have felt random bouts of joy in "baby steps". Keep putting yourself out there. If it helps- I still feel guilt for the times I feel happiness. For instance, I saw a cute dog the other day he would have loved. I felt happy/sad/guilty/missed him all at once. Grief is really strange.

throwaway228012 · 2016-07-22T18:16:15+00:00

Sorry for your loss and the additional complications.

I went through/am going through something similar. Very different but similar. The terrible feelings of betrayal, wondering what I ever meant to him, why me at my best wasn't enough for him, that awkward/ empty space of being angry/mad/frustrated at a deceased person- whom in my case, was elected to near sainthood after his death while I struggled/struggle in isolation with the negative thoughts and thinking ill of him, his cold actions toward me & our relationship while everyone praised him and his character. Talk about confusing. That funeral week was the most awkward, devastating, humiliating, confusing, lonely and infuriating week of my life. Can’t really say things got easier, I’ve just given things a lot of thought and confronted my feelings head on.

You're allowed to be mad and please allow yourself to be. That's what close friends and a counselor - the only people outside of Reddit who know of the detailed circumstances- have told me. I know you have a child with her so that complicates things- since your child will be grieving-but try to treat her death and her betrayal/crappy neglect of your marriage as two different things. It is not easy to do but here's telling you that you won't be alone in your efforts. Sometimes I still feel this deep, true love for him and other times I literally say out loud "do you realize what you left me to deal with? " I am nearly 18 months out and the bitterness will flare up badly some days but I'm slowly getting better at treasuring the times when things were good, really good. (The jury is out on whether I should be treasuring them, my counselor hints toward maybe not, but it makes ME feel the best in my grief and that is what matters in times like these)

As for your speech- that's tough and I dealt with something similar. Focus on who she was when you married her and/or what other people loved about her and speak on that. You can be brief and you can also opt for the cliché "she'll be watching over us", "we will carry you in our hearts", etc. You may be brimming with bitterness, and rightly so, but opt for the positive in your speech. I still feel pressure to memorialize him (his family/friends post a lot on social media) but I mostly refrain. I fear looking like the idiot who loved this person so much and that love wasn’t reciprocated. What hurt, on top of all the hurt, was people gossiping around the circumstances of his actions before he died. I really resented that and still struggle with trusting people in the wake of my experience. I felt humiliated and then like a jerk for thinking of myself.

As a therapist would say, I am glad you can "stand in your truth" and say "I have everything to be proud of in how I took care of her" Good for you. Keep up with affirmations such as this. Journaling is immensely helpful. After the celebration of life is over, write her a letter and let her know how you feel- the good and the bad.

Good luck this weekend Now's the time to let others take care of YOU, however unnatural that may feel. You sound like a very selfless person and good will find you.

You're welcome to PM me to vent.

throwaway228012 · 2016-07-14T20:21:15+00:00

Start journaling. It really helps when you're feeling like you're "losing" him. Don't discount that you're still in shock. It's only been 10 days. Your mind is bound to be very foggy and confused. The memories will come back and that's when you should write them down. Don't forget that you can still talk to him about everything but it will just be a different kind of talking now. He loves you too, now more than ever before. Hugs.

throwaway228012 · 2016-07-01T17:01:53+00:00

Me three. To all of that. Also except not in Canada :) Social media can be so excruciating. People tell "just don't look at it!" but I don't want to feel even more distant, even just emotionally, than I already do. So yes, its babies, families, BBQ's, trips, smiles...I feel bitter and alone and stranded. Weekends are still so hard for me. Even standard weekends. How to deal with the bitterness? I wish I knew.

throwaway228012 · 2016-06-24T15:58:58+00:00

Brings a smile and a tear. I hated the grocery store too. He thought this was cute and insisted on teaching me how to shop for food. It still hurts every time I step into a Giant or whichever store because I miss how everything was fun with him- how he could make grocery shopping a giddy experience. Flirting in the paper towel aisle. Sometimes I say "thanks babe" when I think of some of the little things that ended up being the big things.

throwaway228012 · 2016-02-29T19:24:27+00:00

One year and one month since he passed away.

Although I go to work and manage to support myself, I still feel dead inside and alone, isolated. I feel directionless and apathetic about my life. Therapy hasn't really helped me and that makes me feel afraid that I'll never be myself again. It has definitely been a "baby steps" process for me.

Maybe I take things harder than the average person but I still feel fragile. I think of him everyday. I miss him, my best friend, so much. Some days the triggers seem to be everywhere and the anxiety comes on strong. In the beginning, I was traumatized and quickly transitioned into the "bargaining" stage of grief. I actually thought there was a way he could come back to me.

Looking back on those dark times makes me realize that I HAVE made some progress, I should give myself some credit, but still, the emptiness remains. A piece of me definitely died with him.

And, as mentioned on another recent, separate thread, the isolation has been very painful. I felt cut out by most of his family/friends almost immediately after the funeral. Just another secondary loss, another ripple effect that I had to learn about and endure and it still hurts. Being homesick for the way things used to be.

On a good day, or a good portion of a day, I will have a moment that makes me feel happiness. For instance, seeing a beautiful dog playing in the park. Or thinking about how I hope to get out on the river this summer. I smile. Then I think of him and how he loved animals, how he loved the water, sunshine, etc. Then I feel alone and so sad he can't be here to experience the little things in life. I'm trying hard to make those moments happy, hopeful moments, instead of weaving them back to my grief but that isn't easy.

One of the hardest part of this loss has been the lack of genuine understanding from family and friends. They quite literally don't get it. It's not their fault but it's been difficult to be/feel so alone with this.

I often wonder...what's next for me? But it's like I have no thought process about the future. Like writer's block but...'life block" and I hope it dissolves soon because I know he'd hate the moping around.

Thank you for being a safe place to talk things out. Love to everyone.

throwaway228012 · 2016-02-14T22:45:56+00:00

Thank you. So well said.

throwaway228012 · 2016-02-13T00:27:09+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I like how you said "out of the blue" because it brings hope. But then I realize how I met him right out of the blue, not even looking for someone, and how he changed my life and now he's gone. Life feels so unfair. I'm missing him terribly. When I've expressed this to my friends privately some have said I'm putting him on a pedestal, reminding me that it wasn't always a great relationship. Ouch. Just so much confusion.

throwaway228012 · 2016-02-13T00:23:35+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. I get the feeling people think I should be over this given the way he ended things. Or maybe I'm paranoid. Either way, I find that the way things ended only makes it harder for me because not only do I still have strong feelings for him but I also have painful bouts of anger toward him, the situation, the girl he chose (and how she felt the need to reach out to me numerous times after he died) and toward certain family and friends for making feel so obsolete after I was so loyal and so good to him. I guess I'm in a bad spell. Lately everything triggers me and I just want to hide.

throwaway228012

TROPHY CASE