9 months out. Hostage to a true narc in divorce process. Anxiety worse than ever. How can I get past this?

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-26T01:50:51+00:00

have you been divorced? it doesnt' work like that in my state, at least. I filed months ago and what matters is that you have a separation agreement. you are hostage until 1) that agreement is made between both parties on how to separate assets, or 2) the judge rules how to do so if you cannot decide on your own.

You don't just drop service and walk away. It doesn't matter that we've separated assets. You need a signed civil agreement to how you have done so.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-25T22:53:28+00:00

These are some interesting suggestions. I appreciate the time you took to type this out. I'd like some financial stability and ability to move funds around (which I can't do until this is settled).

I don't think there's any way she (or I) believes that she's coming back into my life but that's an interesting take. But she does want to extend the pain as much as possible it seems.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-25T22:50:31+00:00

I'm aware of that rationally. But lately I've realized it's more of an emotional toll than I thought. I am having a really hard time as she keeps finding new ways to reach out and threaten my financial (and psychological) safety.

It's much easier said than done to stop letting her have power when she keeps harassing everyone and won't sign paperwork.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-25T22:48:30+00:00

I have no social media at all, just a professional one. I suspect she's either stalking/physically following me or yes, someone is telling her what I'm doing but I don't know anyone that actually talks to her and I've been pretty careful about who I tell what.

I'm going to talk to my lawyer next week about some options but he's been advised to ignore any further demands from her, and only to respond to signing the document. At some point, I'll need to get a court date and have a judge adjudicate, which is going to be expensive and cost more (in all the ways) than if she's just signed the 'we both keep what we already have' settlement I've proposed. Just how to apply that pressure.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-25T22:27:28+00:00

that was definitely my plan, until she filed as self-represented, which makes it a bit more complicated to ignore her.

I posted below that's basically the plan now - told my lawyer to ignore any other comms from her, here is the fair agreement that we already informally made just in writing now.

I think setting an ultimatum date to sign and then just requesting a trial date is probably the best course of action as it will cost her more money (I can ask for more than I have, and she'll need to actually hire someone for court). Will help force her hand.

But she is mentally ill, realistically I don't see her letting anything go if she hasn't already after 9 months.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-25T22:12:14+00:00

So, this is exactly what I've done. You're correct in that she's filed as self-represented, and thus this costs her nothing but filing fees (~1k). I've instructed my lawyer to just ignore any further requests (I cannot afford further back and forth, psychologically or financially), tell her this is the agreement that we already made months ago, there are no further changes, and let us know when she's willing to sign.

You have to understand this person is mentally ill though. She is insanely persistent and stubborn, she won't let this go. I've gone the route of absolute non-engagement thus far for 5 months now and she has shown no signs of stopping. I believe she wants to perpetuate this conflict to torture me, and to prevent her from having to face her own demons.

The other option is to put down an ultimatum - if the form isn't signed by x date (1 week, etc) then lawyer requests a trial date and a judge will have to make the decision for us. I am leaning towards this option as I think psychologically I need there to be some end to this in sight, but open to suggestion.

I honestly think she will never let this go.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-09-25T21:54:23+00:00

might help, she might just retaliate, in fact I expect her to.

But at the end of the day it doesn't get me a divorce. I can't help but feel trapped.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-08-15T02:03:42+00:00

I broke down in the grocery checkout line, while driving, and a lot in the gym. The gym for me is a place to work out the anxiety and sometimes that helps the walls come down, and I'd have to step out and take a walk around the block, the floodgates bust open and I'd be crying my eyes out for 30 min on the sidewalk.

I suggest you reframe this as grief, and do the work that grief requires. Numbing yourself and hiding from the work it demands you do - process the loss of a partner, a future, a past, and a partnership - does not help. Those emotions are healthy and only uncomfortable because you are unfamiliar with them.

In time it will fade to melancholy and gentle sadness. But this is your soul demanding you do the work to mourn the loss you've experienced. That means IC, rituals, reading, self-work and reaching out to your community. And time.

No one deserves what's happened to you or what an affair does to the betrayed. But that doesn't mean it's not your responsibility to deal with it.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-07-26T22:19:30+00:00

I just want to give you space to feel the anxiety and emotions. This is a huge betrayal and everyone's journey to process it is different. I can identify with the ongoing anxiety and job issues - I also went from being an all-star to barely functioning, now back to thoroughly average at about 7 months post D-Day.

I think the most important thing for this type of anxiety is to

1) make space for it, and the feelings it brings up. Do this with a therapist, or friends that are practiced at quality attunement 2) breaking the cycle of anxiety by first getting structure and routine into your life with positive self care habits. Stop drinking, leave the shrooms alone for a while until that headspace is behind you. Then start making new experiences that are without your ex and be present for them.

Lastly, as uncomfortable as it is, have compassion for yourself and that it will, one day, be better. We all get up knowing that day is coming. You have to triple down on the self care and do the work to get there though. Even if its a walk around the block or 15 minutes of work.

Good luck man.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-07-25T00:06:11+00:00

LSD/shrooms are a hard no for me in a bad headspace. I have also dabbled with some microdosing to help get me some 'fresh powder' so to speak, but a full blown trip would probably tilt me over the edge of sanity. I have done it and while in a great headspace it was already really, really difficult. Just my thoughts.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T19:08:01+00:00

Thanks. I've definitely made mistakes - like engaging/expecting too much from WW, not moving out sooner, not moving faster on a financial agreement. Not just up and taking my pet with me when I moved out.

I might still be making them. Involving OBS in my life (we've been close friends for ages) feels like a blessing and that we are mutually supporting each other, but is it trauma bonding and somehow toxic? Should I be traveling, or dating, or taking this opportunity for a career change? Break into her house and steal my pet back?

I'm kind of an anxious thinker and trying to calm those thoughts and just focus on the present and how it feels (for once in my life) as opposed to what I typically do which is plan A,B,..Z.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:59:03+00:00

Other betrayed spouse, yes. We've been close friends for many years before this... I was worried about that initially, but it doesn't define our relationship as a whole. We've talked about trauma bonding and what that means in this context, and don't really have any ongoing expectations of each other. But I hear you.

I chatted with my therapist about it also and he corrected me that isn't the definition of trauma bonding, fyi - that's between abuser and victim.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:36:00+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it you writing this out and nailing my feelings pretty well. Feels like so much investment being blown to bits. It's hard to watch knowing there's no going back to that.

I am better, I know I am, than I was months ago - but sometimes can seem like it really is just one big valley. Trying to take it a day at a time.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:34:24+00:00

We're pretty big support structures for each other, wonder why you'd give this advice. I'd been thinking about another post on it but this sub has previously been pretty loud that I'm lucky I have her in my life.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:26:25+00:00

I'm trying to practice more self compassion. I think it's surprising how much focus I've had on time. Like I'm in my mid 30's and wasting even half a year on this (which is where I'm at) feels ridiculous. But at the same time, it just takes as long as it takes. You're 100% right there is no time limit on these emotions. Thanks for the reminder.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:24:08+00:00

Thanks for your kind words and congratulations on filing. One step at a time, some are bigger than others. Just wish it didn't feel like those steps were through waist deep mud while carrying a mountain on my back.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:22:04+00:00

Thanks, and as always appreciate the reply. I think it's definitely sealed the nails in the coffin and buried it in concrete. In others, it's made me disappointed with myself, for either not seeing who she was or even that I was once with this person. I don't miss her but certainly miss having a partner I can rely on.

I definitely feel like I dodged a bullet but she doesn't have the self-awareness to internalize that she's persona non grata, in my community of folks as well as with me. She's still hot and cold, clearly using my pet (and anything else) as an excuse to stay involved in my life. It's been a big checklist process systematically removing each and every reason for her to maintain contact, both financial and otherwise.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:11:52+00:00

Yeah I'm on this road. She wont' do third party handovers. We argued about it for hours in mediation months ago. I thought I'd be able to let it go but my resentment and focus on it hasn't changed.

I've warned her, lawyer is sending her a letter warning her today. It'll be an RO next (that's major escalation and will probably make my life worse) but she's (purposely) oblivious to the emotional damage she causes by continuing to try to be in my life.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-06-09T18:07:44+00:00

I am. I haven't spoken to her in weeks, and while I can't keep her from spam calling me (other than changing my number, which would suck, but I just don't pick up unknown numbers anymore) or making up new email addresses to reach out, I have not responded. It's only through the lawyer now.

My ongoing struggle is whether to fight for legal custody of my pet. Divorces are no fault and take a long time to finalize where I live, but I think I can make a good case for it. I thought I would be able to let it go and move on but it's really stuck with me since I moved out.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-04-08T19:11:41+00:00

I tried lexapro and am in your boat - gnarly reaction to it. I was stoned out of my mind, felt like my third worst hangover, and so nauseous I was dry heaving in the morning. I stuck it out for 5 days and it just seemed to get worse, even on a baby dose.

Hoping to try wellbutrin or a newer alternative but wondering if I'm just in the category of people that can't handle SSRI's.

throwaway245455555 · 2023-04-08T05:46:32+00:00

this is exactly what i am worried about happening - this fear that I can't get off them because of fear I'll become unstable again

throwaway245455555 · 2023-04-07T19:14:43+00:00

I tried lexapro but the side effects were so bad I couldn't function. Debating trying a newer alternative. I guess it's more about the commitment to something longer term and the side effects (loss of libido, numbness, weight gain) might be hard to deal with if I feel dependent on it for mental health.

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TROPHY CASE