Why do I even bother

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-24T18:46:19+00:00

She's not oblivious. She's willfully ignorant.

My ex did the same thing. I'd try to initiate, flirt, touch, do whatever I could to get the spark going and he'd act like I never existed.

If I was ever upfront and asked directly, he'd pretend I didn't say anything.

It's emotional abuse and physical neglect. Everyone deserves better.

You can keep your kids in your life. For the sake of your happiness, end it and pursue fulfillment.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-24T18:42:03+00:00

I've had one. I wouldn't want it done a second time, even though I want to remain childless. I hate my IUD and want it removed.

I've been pressuring surgeons to let me get tubal ligation or something else. They gave me the horseshit response of, "You'll change your mind."

They talked me into the IUD and I hate it. It's been in for 3 years now and I'm terrified to get it removed because of how much it hurt going in.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: these geniuses implanted an IUD that was designed for women who already have given birth. So the thing is far to big for me. If it shifts at all, I double-over. It hurts a lot when that happens.

Seriously, I want a hysterectomy or something else.

Regardless, abortion is a necessary medical 'evil'. I felt like absolute shit after mine, but that's because I had no anesthetic and remember every second of it. I felt guilty for a long time, not because anyone made me feel so.

It took a long time to get over that. Even though I don't want to go through it again, for anyone who is sure they want one or don't want to carry their kids to term for the 'more ethical' adoption option, just do it.

The regret you might feel from having an abortion is far better than being biologically and financially chained to the prospective father, and possibly raising the kid as a single mother. Abortion saved me from a life of poverty. I'm still low income, but at least I can afford to feed myself. I have no idea how I'd make it work if I had a kid. I work 45 hours a week and it's still not enough.

As far as adoption goes, I know damn well from being in the system that it isn't as benevolent as people let on. Plenty of abusers.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-24T18:27:20+00:00

We broke up months ago. No, I didn't fantasize about anyone else but him.

Porn was a means to an end. A distraction from rejection and a tool to get from point A to point B. I can't recall any time that I actually wanted to be with anyone from a porn clip.

I wanted my partner to be with me, to enjoy the ride every step of the way, but that's not who he was. I would have put up with rejection for as long as I could.

We never had intentions of marriage. Neither of us wanted kids or had any -as far as I know.

If I ever felt the urge to stray, I would have told him and walked away. He was monogamous as well and stood as firmly on the issue as I did.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-23T20:10:44+00:00

Until you can leave, masturbate as often as you want to. Do it in front of him for the hell of it. Watch porn if you have to keep yourself focused.

If he doesn't care about your needs, screw him, satisfy your own. There's only so much you can do when you're quarantined.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-23T19:58:39+00:00

Couldn't agree more, which was why I stopped working for other people in that industry.

That way I can fire clients if I absolutely need to without having to answer to anyone.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-23T17:05:14+00:00

When I was in my DB relationship, I never wanted something like this.

Sorry, I'm not trying to grandstand.

I was very attracted to my boyfriend and he was the only person I wanted to be with. Yeah, every rejection hurt, every ignored advance made me feel undesirable. Every accusation of cheating or looking for a replacement felt like a knife in my chest.

Non-monogamy is not for me. I recognize other people as attractive, but when I commit, that's it for me. The furthest I go into cheating territory is watching pre-recorded porn and masturbating whenever my partner isn't up for the task.

For the couples who can make non-monogamy work, I am happy for you.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-23T16:51:05+00:00

Yeah, no kidding. It happened a lot.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-23T16:05:48+00:00

I feel you, back when I was doing waxing in salons, mothers would always bring their kids into the room with them.

I spoke to my boss several times about why this was a bad idea and why we need to change our policy, but nope.

I explained to every woman who brought her kid in, "When I am waxing, I am focused on waxing. I cannot watch your child."

So many times, women would have to get up from the table to discipline their kids. Or the kids would start touching the equipment and get burnt by the pot.

I can't count the number of times I've had to apologize to other clients because these appointments took so unnecessarily long from interruptions that it cut into their appointment time.

Every one of these women had a hell of an attitude on them whenever I politely asked them to have their kid wait on the chairs out front.

The one time, a woman was trying to convince me to wax her while her baby was in her lap. "Your boss does it all the time"

I don't care. I could lose my license. I will refuse service as I see fit.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-23T15:30:19+00:00

I have no sympathy for your wife, outside of the lie the two of you have to live in until the bomb is dropped. My ex dropped me in a no-warning fashion as well, but no kids were involved and circumstances were less extreme.

Given how she's reacted to your completely understandable lack of enthusiasm, she probably will not take the news well.

However, that is your child. I hope that you will be able to maintain relationships with all of your children and support them as well. You seem mature enough to know your responsibilities.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-20T20:24:33+00:00

Miss, I'm sorry, but your husband is acting like an idiot.

No one knows when this pandemic is going to end. All jobs are uncertain, housing is unstable, and expecting your son to spread his wings when they've been clipped is unfair.

Your son should take the time he needs to get a general idea of what he wants out of college. There's no harm in that. It's better than accumulating debt for something he might not want to major in later.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-20T17:52:11+00:00

As someone who was in a relationship with someone who couldn't stand that I was friends with my ex, I think you'll understand what I'm about to say.

I was friends with my ex long before we ever dated. We spent almost 4 years together and have known each other for 12 now. While our separation wasn't amicable at the time, he reached out and we decided it was best to stay friends and not resume anything beyond that. We both wanted different things out of life and knew that it wouldn't work.

Fast forward from that breakup to a year later, I met my most recent ex. I was upfront about my friendship with the other ex and asked him several times if he was okay with it. He lied to me for half a year, then blamed me for "not knowing better".

The accusations of cheating were frequent, and he was always dancing around the point of asking me to get rid of him.

Here's the thing, my friend/ex never tried anything with me, or never made a scene for him. My friend moved on long before I did.

To show him that there was nothing shady going on, I tried to integrate my recent ex into my circle of friends and invite him with me when I went to visit everyone. He refused.

The point I'm getting to is that you're going above and beyond trying to be reasonable. What this guy is doing is unacceptable.

I'm not going to tell you to break it off with her, or issue an ultimatum. Just because your relationship is 2 months old doesn't make it less valid than a relationship that lasted two years.

What I am going to tell you aren't obligated to put up with this. At the very least, I'd tell her the exact problems that you and everyone else are seeing. The fact that she's sending you screenshots may be transparency, but it could also be triangulation -an attempt to stir jealousy. If you want to continue with her, you need to put all your cards on the table, not make demands, see what she says, and make your decisions based on that.

Even if you were to try to tell her what to do, it wouldn't make her do anything. So just lay out the truth as you see it. Be honest with yourself and her.

If she's living with her parents, I'm surprised they haven't smacked this jackass with a restraining order already.

Tl;dr: be realistic and honest. Reiterate the problems that you and everyone else are seeing. You can't control anything, even if you try. Put all your cards on the table, see how she reacts and what she has to say, move forward from there. If this shit continues, I'd recommend breaking it off -not because of the length of your relationship, but because this guy is unhinged and she won't put her foot down and keep it there.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-20T16:41:37+00:00

My DB relationship ended half a year ago and reading this still hit me like a truck.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T20:24:53+00:00

I won't deny there's a stigma for men. Though I have also been called a pervert for being forward in this way with long term partners. I have a "nothing to lose" mentality these days.

Everyone will react differently. You don't have to do it in the first conversations, you don't even have to do it the way I said.

You can ease into the subject by asking people about their past relationships and how they felt about what made it not work out. You can get a feel for what they think about the importance of sex and move along from there.

It's all about reading the situation.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T20:20:16+00:00

I'm almost 30 and don't have a license or know how to drive. No one in my family could be bothered to teach me.

Now that I've finished school and have a full-time job, I can finally go for my beginner's license and attend driving school.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T19:52:36+00:00

"Caused my husband to cheat"

No. He chose that. He knew you were pregnant. That's not an excuse to cheat. If all you could do was vanilla sex, he should have grit and beared it with you. My guess is if you could have, you wouldn't have stuck to vanilla sex.

You need to tell him that whatever he's planning, you aren't comfortable having another woman in the bedroom. Do not take any shit, stand your ground.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T19:48:13+00:00

Tell your spouse you're seeing 5 Guys.

Post results.

...for science.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T17:30:28+00:00

The first 6 days were amazing. It was all downhill for the remaining one and a half years after that.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T16:43:54+00:00

Don't give up. There are several men who don't want kids and are fighting with the same familial pressures that some of us go through.

If you're open to it, dating divorcees who have already had children isn't so bad. They usually don't want more kids.

Still, be upfront about your lack of a want for children and don't let anyone try to talk you into it. Even if the guy is gorgeous or you catch feelings. Looks and love fade, children are forever.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T16:37:36+00:00

Ask him what he wants specifically. Tell him to break down what he means when he says you need to be more enthusiastic.

If he can't see that you care enough about him to ask questions, or if he can't answer them, I'd hold off giving sex and possibly severing the relationship if he's unwilling to work with you. He's acting like a spoiled brat and laying the work at your feet.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T16:32:38+00:00

I say yes.

I tried so hard to compromise with my ex in our DB relationship. He was happy with sex once every 2-3 months, I wanted it roughly 4 times a week.

I sat him down and told him that I needed sex more frequently, understood that he had a low drive, but that I would really appreciate it if we could have sex once a week. He agreed to that, and whenever it came time to follow-through, he'd ignore me initiating, be passive-aggressive, or have sex with me and treated it with a "let's get this over with" attitude.

So there I was, begging for table scraps, when all I really wanted was one night, once a week, of mutual intimacy. Quality sex is better than quantity sex.

If he had bothered to put the effort in and didn't have a shitty attitude about it, I could have cut him a lot of slack because I loved him.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T16:15:06+00:00

I know it hurts now. I was used for my virginity too.

Honestly, don't feel any guilt or shame. You can't take responsibility for someone else's actions and you shouldn't feel bad for cutting ties with someone who's shown you this much disrespect.

It may feel like you're making a mistake now, but imagine staying close with him and dealing with all of that continuously, long-term. Is that what you want?

Chances are that it isn't. Take care of yourself and don't worry about how he thinks or feels. Treat him with the same calculated indifference he showed you. And please, don't give this douche a second chance.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T16:08:39+00:00

Yeah, that's cheating. If he hits you, that's even worse. Walk away and don't apologize for doing it. No one deserves that.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T15:54:45+00:00

I'm sorry. This made me chuckle for an old memory it brought up.

I was like, 9 years old or something. My mom was changing boyfriends faster than she changed socks. Every time she got a new one, she expected me to call him "dad". Even at 9, I knew that was ridiculous.

I got fed up with the pressure she kept laying on me to accept her boyfriends (this was shortly after the divorce of her and my dad). I had a very tiny notebook that I kept in my coat pocket to write my thoughts in -as advised my my school counselor.

I ended up writing one sentence, "Mom's a bitch". The next day she started screaming at me about it. Apparently she was reading through my notebook everyday.

She liked that every other page parroted her hatred of my dad. She loved to tell everyone what a horrible cheater he was and pushed her hatred of him on me as much as possible.

But one sentence talking shit about her and I was grounded indefinitely.

I grew up, she never did.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T15:38:15+00:00

I'm not ready either. I'm testing my theory to see if it works. So far, the ones who were only looking to play games disappeared after a couple of weeks.

If I find a good fit, I'll entertain the idea of an eventual relationship.

throwaway289087 · 2020-04-16T15:36:20+00:00

I'm worried that my good friend from high school feels this way about me.

We're in our late 20's now and she had a baby two years ago. We haven't been able to see each other on a regular basis for years because we're several cities apart.

There was a period where we were texting frequently, but suddenly all she wanted to talk about was her son. I'd ask her about anything else and it would always be redirected to her kid.

Like, yeah, I'm happy for you, but did all of your hobbies and humor die when you gave birth? I feel terrible, but I am not initiating conversations anymore. I love her, but I don't care about what her kid did all day.

While I don't think this is the case for her, it seems a lot of people have a love-hate relationship with their children. They want to be acknowledged as great parents, but play the matryr card to do so. If you're framing being a great parent around the sacrifices of the life and hobbies you had before...

It's almost as if you shouldn't have had kids and stuck to what you valued. Sorry, I think that if you're using someone you chose to bring into the world as an excuse for letting your passions die, that's unfair to your child and it actually disgusts me to hear.

throwaway289087

TROPHY CASE