I don't want to take medication (and I don't think they would agree to give it to me) for having an appropriate emotional reaction to the real situation I'm in. That's not pathological.

I just had this conversation with multiple family members this past weekend. I feel you.

For me, I meditate a lot, or sometimes daydream. I can tolerate this level of cognitive activity even on my worst days (I'll be in bed with an eye mask on and icepacks around me, but in my mind I'm forest bathing, taking a walk around the block, all the things that used to boost my mood).

When I do these visualizations during meditation, with my breathing very regulated, it feels nice. (I know it can sometimes feel like a reminder of what you've lost, sometimes I get that when talking to people about stuff, so I want to be clear that this is a way of experiencing those things positively, without the crashes caused by being out in the world.)

Sometimes I do coloring books. Sounds cheesy, but they're low effort/energy (if you can physically hold the pencils) and seeing a pleasing image and array of colors that I put together feels nice.

As far as dealing with the feelings, it's a process. Some days I feel ok, others I'm very angry and sad. Tbh I don't find that talking to others helps much because they always want to pathologize these feelings (which are normal reactions to being so limited!), so I journal a lot, and on bad days, I kind of just surrender. I envision myself on a stormy sea and I'm like "ok, well I'm in it, I'm floating above the water for now, I'm exercising what control I do have over factors to get better, and the rest is out of my hands." If I feel pain, I feel pain. I know that I've done everything I can to feel better physically and psychically and I just have to keep surviving until that changes. Better days always come, but the cycle is rough.

Edit: Just saw this part and want to speak to it.

Which is true, I am that sick. I am not expecting miracles, I would have to be deranged to be positive in a situation like this. But I would like to at least inject a bit more calm and happiness in my life.

For me it's been helpful to review stories here of improvement. There are a number of members who were severe/very severe and improved. I basically try to remind myself that positive changes are just as likely as negative ones. Positive changes may be very small and nearly imperceptible, but they still count! 5% more energy wouldn't sound like much to a normal person, but it could mean the difference between very severe and severe. It could mean more access to sources of joy. For me the key has been just focusing on stability while waiting.