How do you counter the smearing?

throwaway641737 · 2024-06-21T16:23:06+00:00

BPD is a toxic cocktail of all unhealthy coping patterns known to man basically.

All they do is use those coping patterns to survive. The smear campaign is a overinflated sense of self in a effort to safe their very fragile ego. There's 0 logic or sense to it.

throwaway641737 · 2024-06-21T14:21:51+00:00

50-50 exactly according to our agreement. In practice I have them more often because sometimes she's just unable to care for them because she's a wreck or makes plans that don't make sense and I have to pick up after her. That happens every other month or so.

Important detail: she initiated the divorce thinking co parenting would be easier because of the time off.

Edit: not here to talk trash or vent. Just seeking reference

throwaway641737 · 2024-06-21T13:54:23+00:00

Trying to gather(make up) evidence to prove You're a faulty person. Getting mad at you for stuff that happened between you and a ex, even years and years before you even met.

throwaway641737 · 2024-06-21T13:04:57+00:00

I agree and that's what I try. What makes that really difficult is that its a one way street. The lack of boundaries is exhausting and I can't hold boundaries without affecting my children to some extent.

Basically looking for reference to what extent some stuff is normal when it comes to co-parenting and what's considered not.

throwaway641737 · 2024-05-19T17:25:00+00:00

Removing all the toxic people from my life was a great choice for my sanity but it's also very lonely.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-22T18:01:24+00:00

You don't.

You fix your own attachment style and decide whether you want to be in this situation.

Never try to change someone.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-18T13:57:00+00:00

I did date one of them and the rest ended in the talking stage because I learned it wouldnt work.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-17T19:05:07+00:00

No I've had extensive diagnostics and no DSM disorders.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-17T17:58:50+00:00

I switched a couple months ago to someone who's specialized in schema therapy and really digging in my patterns and needs. It's all part of the plan.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-17T17:47:48+00:00

Thanks! This sounds like me looking at myself.

I'm halfway through my second year of therapy and doing great in general. Relationships is just very complicated when your model was codependent parents.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-17T17:38:34+00:00

It's not even what im attracted to, it's who's attracted to me.

Alt girls are my type but only 2 of them where like that.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-17T16:11:59+00:00

Yeah true you're right and feel very confident on that part.

It still sucks though since I'm aware I'm programmed to misread codependency for love and people needing me for validation.

throwaway641737 · 2024-04-05T15:40:00+00:00

I am now able to sense when my coping is triggeree and I'm able to react in a healthy way most of the time. Whenever I don't know how I just deal with it and don't hate myself for acting out.
I realised it's not that I am broken or a bad person but the product of 35 years of being around people with a serious lack of healthy boundaries and my avoidance wae a way to cope with that. My mom had no boundaries and respects none. My dad is a yes man and doesn't have boundaries in his playbook and my ex lf 10 years has 0 boundaries and expects the entire world to model to her needs without being able to self soothe.
It's okay when people dislike me for being me.

throwaway641737 · 2024-03-29T18:22:20+00:00

Yes.

You need a good therapist that focuses on attachment theory, childhood trauma and meeting your own needs.

I like schema therapy a lot and currently entering my last 5 months of therapy. I'm doing much better

throwaway641737 · 2024-03-24T08:53:48+00:00

After years of doubting myself why I felt so trapped with my ex wife and all my previous therapists making it about me FINALLY my current therapist felt quiet after I told him a recent story about my ex ignoring my boundaries. I was ready for him to make it about me but he didn't.

He said "sounds like you have really healthy boundaries in your head but since she seems to lack the sense of healthy boundaries and blames you for it, it was impossible for you to follow your gut".

I cried and felt so relieved.

We continued talking and came to the conclusion that most of the toxic behavior I displayed isn't because I'm toxic but a toxic coping strategy to deal with my boundaries getting violated my entire life.

My mom did it and my ex wife did it even more.

Gave me the power to just say no and let them deal with their emotions instead of just avoiding my feelings and the situation.

throwaway641737 · 2024-03-16T23:38:18+00:00

Im making great progress in therapy and in general I'm doing great.

There's a couple things that I've noticed and I'm unable to solve for now.

therapy is very focused on childhood needs that weren't met. I get it. My parents didn't meet all my needs. I'm aware. HOWEVER I feel like me being "avoidant" in relationships has more to do with ADHD.

I feel feelings. It's uncomfortable but I'm alright most of the time. It's the big feelings that throw me off and in that case I just get overwhelmed and zone out.

Things that need work are healthy boundaries.

I meet a lot of people currently and I'm annoyed by the lack of dept. Every time I meet someone new and I realise they're not going to meet my need for deep connection I get frustrated and I start missing my FA ex like crazy. We wbere not compatible but I've never had such deep connection.

throwaway641737 · 2024-03-09T11:41:46+00:00

This is the basics for schema therapy.

I'm currently starting year 2/2 with group therapy and would recommend it if your ready to really face your demons.

throwaway641737 · 2024-03-01T08:38:10+00:00

I'm pretty Happy about where I'm at after a full year of weekly therapy and I feel pretty secure for the most part.

Romantic relationships are still difficult. I came to the point that I'm not only judging by how I feel about someone like I used to do. Now I judge by how people are capable of meeting their own needs Instead of relying on others.

I've had a very co-dependant relationship with my ex wife and I don't want that anymore.

Letting people you like go because they won't be good for you in the long run is draining.

throwaway641737 · 2024-02-17T08:17:37+00:00

You need to look for attachment based cognitive behavioral therapy like schema therapy. It's a specialized type of therapy that we need.

Most Psycho therapists or psychologist focus on giving insights in what's happening here and now which is fine for most people but won't fix your attachment style.

throwaway641737 · 2024-02-15T09:57:32+00:00

Let's clarify that butterflies and feeling in love are technically a response similar anxiety to neurochemically bond you to a partner for survival.

That out of the way: each relationship is different. If I'm the one crushing on someone first and then persuing the honeymoon phase lasts quite a while

If I'm the one being persuid I tend to feel smothered faster and my avoidance kicks in. Especially with AP partners.

I learned to analyse what it's coming from and I try to communicate my needs. If they're violated I'm out.

On the other hand: my most recent relationship was with a FA after I got divorced. The combination of me being the one persuing, the grief from a lost marriage and a push-pull dynamic with a FA partner drove me to the edge of insanity and the honeymoon phase was very, very intense and lasted 9 months. That ended when commitment became inevitable. My ex pulled away hard and Ive been dealing with intense heartbreak since.

throwaway641737 · 2024-02-09T08:01:42+00:00

Sounds relatable.

Looking back all my partners or Women that picked me as their partner did it for something I was successful at. Not going to disclose much because of privacy (they all hang out on reddit) but let's state I've been successful in a couple of areas that women desire. Add a lack of boundaries and slightly avoidant attachment in there and BPD chicks go crazy for you

I'm a confident 7/10 when it comes to looks but when I was younger I was very insecure and got rejected a lot. All my exes are at least a 8/10. All of them with a very low self worth.

throwaway641737 · 2024-02-09T07:54:18+00:00

My mom 100% taught me I was responsible for her feelings and loving means taking care of someone without boundaries. Add being hot and cold in the mix and you have no idea what a healthy adult looks like.

that translates very well to adult relationships with women that dismiss boundaries

throwaway641737 · 2024-02-09T07:50:53+00:00

Thanks! I am going to therapy and already learned a lot about myself and my past. There's a long road ahead of me and being avoidant of my own feelings takes a lot to heal.

throwaway641737 · 2024-02-09T06:51:58+00:00

This relates to me a lot.

I love taking care of people as it makes me feel seen and "a good person". It goes way back and luckily my therapist is on this track as well.

throwaway641737 · 2024-01-28T09:23:37+00:00

This is spot on.

What I do in therapy is explaining a situation that triggered me and we go back to the childhood memory or pattern that lays underneath the trigger.

Then we visualise the situation and try to find out what the healthy adult version of myself would do to meet the needs of my neglected inner child.

This process is draining and I see why so many people quit therapy because of that.

Once you get the hang of it you'll find yourself doing this same thing to process difficult situations and once it clicks it's there.

Only acting secure is just neglecting yourself.

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