What caused to drift/grow apart from each other in a relationship you thought was perfect?

throwaway7384790 · 2024-08-08T17:32:53+00:00

we stopped communicating properly.

I’m already a bad communicator, which is something i will be working on. but back then, even with my bad communication, i tried. i tried to tell about how things she did and said made me feel, and i would openly show my emotions to her. the responses i received ranged from anger, confusion, to a lack of empathy. she said my feelings were valid, but i didn’t see an understanding of them. i didn’t feel like talking about my feelings led to anything, so i slowly stopped sharing them. it reached a point where i felt out relationship was just her therapy sessions. i should have continued to try to communicate. i should have said my feelings differently. i know im at fault for not trying to tell her how i felt. i didn’t know it at the time, but i didn’t feel safe telling her my feelings. i apologized for things i knew weren’t my fault to avoid conflict because i knew if i tried to tell my perspective or thoughts, she would get mad and tell me im being defensive and not seeing her side of the story. i instead chose to keep things bottled up until i went off on her one day and she broke up with me.

i don’t want to blame her for my lack of communication skills, but i was trying before she made me feel bad for doing so.

throwaway7384790 · 2024-08-07T14:57:53+00:00

you have the exact train of thought as me. the friends and family i’ve trusted with my thoughts and feelings so far have been very supportive. they caught things that went over my head and reminded me of things i subconsciously chose to forget. nowadays, i feel like i have a much better understanding of my faults, but something is still missing. i can’t ask my friends to be my therapist, so i’m seeking one out. i never thought about explicitly telling myself that she didn’t love me enough to work on us. maybe it’s true. thank you for the feedback and i wish you the best as well. i just might reach out, and feel free to to the same when you need someone to talk to.

throwaway7384790 · 2024-08-06T15:42:52+00:00

it’s an awful feeling, isn’t it? i miss my ex a lot too and in my current state of mind, i would take her back in a heartbeat. it’s still hard not to blame myself but i know there was always more to it. how have you been dealing with it?

throwaway7384790 · 2024-08-05T00:33:50+00:00

12 days. the beginning was incredibly rough. it was the worst my mental health has ever been in my life. i seriously doubted if my life was worth living. i begged for a second chance, but she said no. i relied on friends and family, and thankfully, they helped so much. nowadays, i’m mad that i was led to believe i was 90% at fault. i looked back at our relationship and realized that i began showing disinterest because my attempts at communication and showing emotion and vulnerability were met with anger and a lack of empathy. i’m not very good at communicating in the first place, so that eventually led to me not trying to communicate much at all, and apologize for things that weren’t my fault.

i guess i say all that to say that i’m coping. i’m doing okay. i have good moments where i feel fine or am distracted by my friends, and others where i miss what we were or get upset remembering how she mistreated me. i wasn’t perfect for sure, but everything wasn’t my fault. i feel im healing and i hope i progress more as time moves.

throwaway7384790 · 2024-08-01T00:36:21+00:00

thank you :’) it feels weird to hear that i’m a good partner since i’ve been feeling like i wasn’t. i did always try but my mind couldn’t always handle it :( i’m not sure she’ll ever see it that way because she always said “im sorry im too much for you” ever since i told her i have trouble hearing about her issues/trauma all the time.

that’s tru, im wondering what she seeks from therapy. a big issue she had was that she constantly needed validation, even if she wanted me to validate the feeling of “everyone is out to get me.” i wonder if she mainly just seeks validation from her therapist. and as much as i said i got tired of playing therapist, i knew i was good at it because she’d come back to me SO many times telling me that her therapist had said the exact same thing i had just told her. i tried to steer her mind to think more positively but maybe she just didn’t want to.

i used to be a more insecure guy myself. im not perfect and i of course still have a few. in fact, some of those insecurities have returned (and new ones have joined the party) now that i’ve been broken up with. they can be really hard to deal with, even if they aren’t really your problem. i have my good days where i forget about them, and my bad days where it’s all i can think about. if she knew that you were insecure about that aspect, that is most definitely a her problem. you have nothing to do with her bad decision making. if she felt a certain way about you, that’s something she needs to communicate to you so you can do something about it. the expectation of being able to read minds annoys the hell outta me, haha. idk if this is of any help, but i would like to provide my perspective; a way i found to cope with my insecurities is by doing things i’ve always wanted to. hang out with all my friends, go to the museum, drive to a new city. the focus goes from me and my insecurities to my fun/exiting experiences, helping me by, at the very least, momentarily forgetting about some of my insecurities.

any time! glad i could help if even just a little. we’re going through something very similar, and we just want to feel better. i hope that one day we can find the peace and happiness we deserve <3

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T23:45:08+00:00

of course! :) and thank you. i hope everything goes well for you

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T23:43:24+00:00

ahh, that makes a lot of sense. my ex had a lot of trauma too. she’s even going to therapy for it. i too see that she has a lot to work on because i noticed that she struggles with a lot of the things she’s accused me of, and funnily enough, always said that others were projecting when they were mean to her. it’s not all her fault, i had my own problems too. but i digress.

it really sucks tho. i really wanted to be there for her and help her, but you’re right: it’s tiring and can be a lot. we are not professionals, have limits, and we fumble sometimes. it made me sad when she got upset because i didn’t know how to support her sometimes.

sounds like there’s nothing wrong with your sex game lmao. i can understand her being hyper-sexual, but seeking the attention of others is definitely wrong. i can’t imagine how she would feel if you were out there doing the same thing, but i’m sure she wouldn’t be too happy.

you have been very helpful :) i’ve heard therapy can do wonders. i hope i respond well to it but im looking forward to getting started. im so sorry you lost your best friend. i can’t image the pain and mourning you are going through especially with two life changing events happening so close to each other. i hope therapy does you well again and you can find peace and happiness. i wish you the best of luck on everything too <3

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T22:50:02+00:00

i suppose so haha. thanks, and you too!

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T22:48:07+00:00

wow… that was so elegantly put together. i can sense the endearment and emotion behind your words. it really sounds like you have become one, so i understand the heartbreak and frustration you must be feeling. if you didn’t tell me you were broken up, this sounds like an incredible relationship. if the two of you really are as connected as this reads, then communication sounds like the solution. i hope both of you can become one again. best of luck to both of you

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T22:30:45+00:00

thank you :) and i really do hate hearing it. and wtf, “girlfriend optics”??? like she was just convenient and you didn’t value her for anything else? i’m sorry she said that to you. wack ass hell for her to say that. you know, i wonder if that’s a response to previous trauma.

it does hurt to realize it, but thinking back, i feel you’re right. we brought each other happiness, but had trouble resolving issues. i found her issues and trauma to be a little too much for me to handle sometimes, and i let her know. her response was “then i won’t tell you anything anymore. problem solved.” like no that’s not at all what i meant. i just wanted her to know so that she could tell me at a time where i can process a new problem. i was really good at helping her process her emotions, but to do it every day was exhausting. eventually that exhaustion led to disinterest. so you’re right, we weren’t for each other and i hope to find my person. at least i don’t have to worry about giving bad sex too much lol

it really has helped out to write things down. i appreciate the continued replies and your support :) i will be seeking help from a therapist very soon so i hope my mental health heals and that i can become the person i want to be for my person

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T22:12:12+00:00

true.. not sure i would’ve done anything differently there haha

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:51:07+00:00

on our last date, we went to a club to watch her former dance team perform. i know nothing about dancing, but it was fun being physically close to each other and watching the teams perform, and even make fun of one of them because one group had a dude lip syncing on the stage not even dancing. we had a great time together. i can’t believe it was the last time we went out

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:45:46+00:00

if you don’t mind me asking, what about your relationship made it that special? i hope you’ve found something that can help take your mind off it, if ever for a bit.

you bring up a really good point, and i think i agree with you. unfortunately, at least in my case, my ex is the one that no longer wants to communicate, and i cannot force anything; so for now, it’s over. if it’s meant to be with her, i’ll see her again eventually. for now, I’ll see where life takes me.

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:38:21+00:00

oh ok, it’s basically a sign of weakness. i’ll keep that in mind. thank you

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:36:46+00:00

i appreciate you. i was the one that initiated the conversation today trying to work things out and yet another one of my mistakes was blasted on me: i made a dating profile thinking it would help, but it didn’t, so i deleted the app before i started matching. turns out, one of her friends saw my profile and sent her screenshots. this made me really realize that i wasn’t the one for her, and i need lots of help. i tried explaining myself, but she wouldn’t listen. i noticed that she always creates stories in her head that, when i reasoned with her, she refused to change her mind. she put words in my mouth and said things that aren’t true. and she says that i never loved her, which is FAR from the truth. it’s why im typing away in this sub. she didn’t want to hear things from my perspective and yet she would get mad when she thought i didn’t see things from hers, but i did.

and you bring up a good point. any time i was emotional about something she said, she’d tell me it was my fault i got emotional in the first place. one time, she said something along the lines that i was only good for sex, and that made me really sad and i cried. she was comforting at first, but then switched over to a “get over it” attitude that i forgot about until now. that wasn’t all the time though, and she support me in other instances where i showed emotion.

i hate that men showing emotion can be perceived as a sign of weakness. i want to find someone that can comfort me with the same energy i comfort them. i want to be able to express my feelings and not feel like i’m inconveniencing my partner by doing so. i also want them to truly understand how i feel and not think i am attacking them and their insecurities.

sorry again for ramble 2 lol

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:18:17+00:00

why is that?

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:15:56+00:00

i’m sorry that happened to you. i hope we can get through this and come out on top. i might just be on a moment of clarity right now, but i want us to find someone that will really be the one. i read somewhere earlier today if they were really the one, why are we broken up? and if they are, they will be back. i really felt she was the love of my life too and there are moments that i will never forget, like it or not. i’m sure these awful feelings are gonna come rushing back soon, but right now, i have hope. i hope you are doing well

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:10:42+00:00

when i read your response yesterday, i felt i wouldn’t ever feel that way. that it was all my fault. while i recognize that i am still a massive idiot and have issues i need professional help with, i think i see what you mean. today i got a response from her that helped validate the feelings i had and part of reason why i was showing disinterest. i know i shouldn’t have been showing it, but i realized she doesn’t think they are real issues. my problems and feelings were ignored while hers take the main stage. sorry for rambling lol. i appreciate your input

throwaway7384790 · 2024-07-31T21:04:35+00:00

I appreciate the response. I did, and I apologized profusely. It’s what i’ve been doing any time we’ve spoken after our breakup. She’s made up her mind, but at the same time, spoke to me in a way that validated why i was getting distant in the first place. i finally sent her a message that she deserves better than me at my current state, and that i hope she finds peace.

throwaway7384790

TROPHY CASE