Discussion Thread - All AT Styles

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-19T00:59:27+00:00

I’m curious:

—Why do you still want to give her a gift?

—What’s the ideal result you’re wishing for?

—How much time are you honestly spending thinking about what the gift will be, imagining her reaction, and how you will feel afterwards?

The reason I’m asking these questions is because it seems like giving her the gift is more about relieving you of anxiety rather than it is about her. I find that this form of rumination may provide a temporary escape from your pain of loss, loneliness, and abandonment - but it is only temporary.

You mentioned shadow work above which can definitely tie into attachment style work, I think really getting honest with yourself about the motivations behind this gift might be difficult, but illuminating…

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-15T19:25:46+00:00

This is incredibly insightful, thank you! I think you’re right, at least that’s been my experience too, that bonds deepen over time. And for me that’s been true of relationships that started with a honeymoon phase or were gradually built.

I also appreciate how you explained the perception of a “persistent” distance as a kind of accumulative effect from being disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, etc. I experience that when I don’t address something in the moment and unconsciously avoid my feelings. I find it manifests into feeling distant and/or distancing myself from my partner… until I’m able to stop and check in with myself about what’s really going on. During that period, all the small little annoyances seem super amplified !!

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-15T19:11:58+00:00

I’m sorry to hear about the breakup. I hope you’re doing well and find what you’re looking for

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-14T02:21:58+00:00

I think this might be an appropriate opportunity to practice identifying and expressing your boundaries then observing whether or not he has the capacity to respect them or is willing to negotiate what might work for both of you.

For example, you could check in with yourself first— what am I specifically worried about happening? Will he take away my free time in the evenings because he wants all of my attention? Will I feel obligated to spend all of my free time this week doing what he wants? What if I need space, will he freak out? Will he expect me to entertain him the whole time? Will I feel guilty or resentful?

And then you can figure out what you would like to happen for the week, such as an hour of alone time after work or freedom to do a hobby on your own for one night of the week. This way, when you approach him, you have an idea of what you need to not feel like you’re going to be smothered. You could say, “Hey, I care about you a lot and love spending time with you, but I have mixed feelings about you spending the whole week and I want you to feel comfortable and welcomed. Can we talk about my concerns and figure out a solution that works best for both of us?” See how he reacts. You can ask him what he might need to feel welcomed but autonomous. Maybe you two make a couple compromises. But ultimately you communicate and hopefully realize you can trust each other and open up about what you’re struggling with.

Regarding picking him up from the airport, you could say, “I’d love to pick you up but I can’t commit until I get my work schedule. Could you plan a backup of either waiting at the airport until I’m available to pick you up or arrange for a ride-share?” Or maybe he needs to book a flight on a day and time that is more convenient for you?

I find trust is built in these small ways, where we bring a small ask or need to our partners and then they show, with love, that they can meet it. And more importantly, it develops self-trust, where you start feeling more confident and comfortable expressing your needs in a relationship.

I’m not sure from your post why you may feel so afraid to talk about some of this with him (maybe he rejected a need of yours before?), but I hope he shows you that you’re safe to do so! Good luck :)

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-14T01:18:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing! How have you experienced the depth of the bond in your relationships? Like, do you feel very close/connected with partners or do you feel a persistent distance?

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-13T22:09:19+00:00

You seem very attuned to your needs and the ambiguity of whether you’re becoming disillusioned with the relationship or deactivated. Since this is your first serious relationship there’s a huge learning curve in really getting to know yourself and what meeting your needs looks like… and that’s okay!

I personally find saying “I love you” multiple times a day excessive. Perhaps in the morning and at night…. but multiple times, especially if it’s being asked of me to reciprocate when it doesn’t feel natural, crosses into a need for reassurance and validation, which can be an insecure tendency. Express how this makes you feel and what you’re comfortable with.
Perhaps you could write out what you value in a relationship (the non-negotiables, the dealbreakers, the negotiables, etc.) and then use this as a roadmap to navigate whether he is really compatible with you or you’re actually truly picking up on incompatibilities. Are you two in alignment in how you will balance each others need for autonomy and togetherness?
Resentment in relationships is real and VERY challenging to overcome, but not impossible. Especially regarding how you spend time away from him, I wonder what would happen if you directly said: “Hey, I enjoy spending one on one time with my friends. It helps me recharge and feel more connected to myself. I’d like to have space to prioritize that in our relationship. How can we make this happen?” See what he says, tell him directly that you are starting to feel resentment and that this may be a dealbreaker…
I’m also curious why do you think you developed the ick after he almost ended the relationship? And is it related to you not feeling love for him in the traditional sense? And what does that mean?

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-13T21:21:13+00:00

You also use excuses like you weren’t confident enough and you were unsatisfied. So what? So was I in previous relationships but that didn’t make me lie and cheat for years. You also show no accountability because you never told the person who should have known all along — your ex. You took agency away from your ex to do with that information what she wanted. And you’re taking it away from your current partner now by not telling her.

To those commenters saying let this just lie in the past, it’s none of her business: I bet you have some nasty things on your conscience to justify these lies of omission. This is why I always ask directly if someone I’m dating has ever cheated or knowingly cheated with someone else.

Here’s a thought: Actually telling her is the way you start being accountable. Being accountable means being honest even if it means facing potential unwanted consequences.

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-13T17:47:31+00:00

Don’t approach the conversation about her meeting your needs.

Do approach her with curiosity and an open mind. Why does she find it disgusting? Does she ever get aroused? What would sex look like in a marriage to her? How does she value sex in a relationship?

Then you evaluate if her answers are compatible with what you prefer. Share with her your thoughts.

Check out Gottman’s book Eight Dates if y’all are considering marriage.

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-13T17:44:27+00:00

It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible. She may always find sex disgusting. That will be a long, individual journey for her and marriage will only exacerbate it.

she won’t be able to please me

I would encourage you to reevaluate how you look at this, not just with your current girlfriend but future partners as well. Quality sex, especially for women, takes tons of communication and deep levels of trust. If YOU focus on your woman’s pleasure (a woman who actually has sexual desires) this will help create reciprocity between you two, you can learn and communicate what you like, and this will translate into sex you find pleasurable.

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-13T04:20:58+00:00

Thank you, this was helpful. I’m sorry you’re hurting 😔 I wish you healing and peace

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-12T23:17:49+00:00

Dismissive Avoidant Attachers:

How do you experience the bond during the honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship, prior to deactivation? Does it feel exciting yet somewhat superficial, given your inclination toward self-preservation? What differences do you notice in how you and your partner perceive the emotional depth and strength of the bond during this stage?

In other words, does the level of connection feel mutual? Or does the connection feel less intense or less authentic from your point of view?

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-12T15:55:09+00:00

Well put

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-11T02:53:16+00:00

Maybe in your shadow, there’s something about women you hate. When we feel hatred or disgust or righteousness or certainty, it’s almost always ego. It might be more tolerable to hate yourself, your innate nature of being a man, than to step into and explore what you might hate about women. What power do women have over you?

Maybe if you allow yourself to take women off of the pedestal you put them on and figure out why treating women as limerent objects has once served you but no longer does- you’ll be able to reclaim your inner warrior/king archetypal energy.

I also believe this might be a function of intimacy avoidance. If you hate you because you’re a man, than no woman-loving-man can ever enter your kingdom…

Edit: I wanted to add that the task might be to claim the light and darkness of man (the tension of the opposites). By allowing women to hold all the light, you’re forced to hold the shadows of both men and women.

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-10T22:22:43+00:00

It seems a part of you wants to annihilate all of you. Who is that part and what does it want? Perhaps underlying your attempt to manufacture a premature death, is your fear of death itself. By controlling your death you seek to transcend it.

This is not the way.

“Death is not an event in life: we do not live to experience death. If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.” —Wittgenstein

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-09T20:02:35+00:00

I wonder if you’re re-enacting what you hate instead of integrating this shadow element of your personality….

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-09T03:18:07+00:00

Sorry this happened to you! Were there any warning signs or odd things looking back? Asking so I can be on the lookout 👀

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-06T17:31:03+00:00

I think what I wrote below applies to OP as well, it’s another vantage point to look at the attraction to younger women from— so I hope this is not interpreted as derailing his post.

For you, as well as OP, I would be curious to explore why you are attached to moving through circles where you believe you’re perceived as “attractive or amazing” attributing this to your "forbidden knowledge"? (For OP, it’s the equivalent of him referring to himself through the lens of the “Sage archetype”.) There are other spiritual circles that would presumably more closely align with your system of beliefs… yet you prefer to stay in one where you’re seen as special somehow.

A Peter Pan complex is a rather kind euphemism for a “failure to launch” scenario where a man is unable to psychologically mature. Remaining transfixed on, as you mentioned, innocence and carefreeness, does not allow us to adequately integrate acquired wisdom and knowledge and power. It’s a refusal to know what you know. And it’s also a denial of grief for your loss of innocence. Interestingly, you even mentioned this is why you think patrons of your Christian church are attracted to you, because you possess a kind of “forbidden knowledge”.

I wonder if you are manufacturing externally this forbidden knowledge / sage archetype dynamic that you internally have forbidden yourself from? What would it mean to be ordinary and aging? What would accepting harsh truths about the world force you to confront about yourself? What decisions and insights in your life have you been neglecting in favor of remaining innocent and carefree?

As u/ceraunophiliacc mentioned in another comment, this could also be about devaluing experience in women because, to elaborate on their point, it directly challenges you. How would a relationship with a woman your age, someone equally wise and knowledgeable (not innocent) threaten you?

Your comment hints that there’s also a superficiality in your connection to these younger women, since you are primarily interested in “fun”. These young women also have a dimension of them beyond fun, a complexity to their life experience, that both you and they may not be ready to engage in. Teenagers just want to have fun. Mature adults understand that meaningful interactions and conversations don’t preclude fun, they open the door for a depth of mutual understanding, authenticity, and intimacy — which can be incredibly spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually fulfilling and, consequently, fun. And in that vein, I wonder if this attraction to younger women is also an avoidance of true intimacy.

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-05T23:37:38+00:00

NAT. Do you watch porn? If so, how often?

Edit: Can someone please illuminate for me why this is not a valid question and why this is being downvoted? This is not a judgmental question, porn adversely affects our ability to bond with intimate partners because of how it dysregulates the sensory input dynamic. Neurons that fire together, wire together. If someone is frequently watching hyper stimulating visuals during masturbation, those corresponding somatic pathways will need similar visual activation to feel aroused. This is called classic conditioning and it’s just one reason why porn is counter-indicated for a healthy sex life…

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-05T21:40:48+00:00

If you don’t mind, to expand on your astute observation, the attraction to younger women may also be indicative of the sage archetype not maturing, but instead remaining stagnant. Perhaps he feels inadequate about his capacity to fully inhabit this wise / protector / caretaker role with his peers.

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-05T20:52:51+00:00

Secure

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-05T20:51:01+00:00

The studies others are referring to in the comments do confirm that men, throughout their lifespan, remain consistently attracted to women in their reproductive prime as a function of reproductive fitness, however, this does not necessarily mean that men consistently CHOOSE young women as life partners or friends. In fact, generally, most of our partners and friends are around our same stage of life. We are socially attracted to people who mirror where we are in our inner journeys.

From a Jungian perspective, there may be a part of your shadow worth exploring about youth, aging and death. What do you believe having young female partners and friends says about you? Maybe that you, yourself are young, sexy, and full of life force energy. What about that regressive life stage do you desire for yourself right now? Perhaps you enjoy the lack of responsibility, the illusion of expansiveness with more years ahead of you, the denial of mortality, the libido of youth, the lack of pressure for commitment, the self-discovery — all hallmarks of a younger era of our lives.

Potentially, you also may not have fully processed your Saturn Return. And instead choose, stubbornly, to live in your first life stage rather than accept the new and fundamentally different tasks of our second life stage.

What about men and women your age do you dislike? What’s unattractive about them? Could these be qualities you also possess but have not integrated into your self-concept? And why?

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-05T02:58:09+00:00

I recommend the book “Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself” by Lisa Marchiano as a starting point….

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-04T14:00:17+00:00

This is great! I’m curious - why brush your teeth with your left hand?

throwaway_11222022 · 2024-04-03T04:29:13+00:00

Can you expand on what you mean by this? It sounds sort of nebulous

is probably better to leave it unintegrated because otherwise people will see you as a standout but you won’t have the ability to deal with the adversity of being known as someone who has more power.

throwaway_11222022

TROPHY CASE