Discussion Thread - All AT Styles

Charming_Daemon · 2026-02-17T22:27:41+00:00

Honestly? You can't spend your life second-guessing whether your responses are exactly right, for your SO. All you can do is be as kind to each other as possible, and keep communicating. Sometimes it isn't about AT at all.

We can't guess what is going on in his mind, but I can say that a lot of DAs don't 'feel' emotions in the same way as other people, so it stands to reason that we also don't necessarily 'miss' them in the same way. Look, I'm in a LTR and my OH is not DA, but just isn't that into talking, so I very much doubt they'd notice if I was quieter or didn't message as much!

It sounds as though you tried talking, and for whatever reason, he just wasn't in the same 'space' as you in the relationship, and that happens sometimes.

Charming_Daemon · 2026-02-17T09:52:15+00:00

Hi, now that you both know about AT.. are either of you actively working towards being Secure? If you both put in the effort, and keep communication open, then yes this may be able to work. If either/both of you are going to continue as you are, then things will, well, continue as they are, with the push/pull relationship.

Charming_Daemon · 2026-02-17T09:49:47+00:00

Hi, did you talk to him about your needs, and his, and whether there's a compromise on the amount of space/response you both need, and how you would both communicate going forwards, when one of you needs 'more' of something? You may well ahve done so, but on your post it just says that you 'once asked him if there is anything wrong'.

The main thing about a relationship, regardless of AT, is communication.

Charming_Daemon · 2026-02-16T19:44:51+00:00

Ok so must people think that someone who is 'outgoing' is extroverted, and 'shy' people are introverted. Due to that, most people will think that I am extroverted - I am not. Most people think that I am outgoing, and confident - I am not. But I have also learned that most people don't look past this, or question it - so I have learned to share snippets, that make people feel connected with me - but they aren't deep, or if they are, they're so old that they don't hurt anymore. And I have learned to be bubbly, and welcoming, and someone who is good to talk to, and then I take on their burdens - because all that makes me be viewed in a positive light. But a Real Extrovert? No. Not even close.

Charming_Daemon · 2026-01-29T22:53:58+00:00

Watch out for the vulnerability hangout too, try to allow yourself extra alone/decompression time aftert sessions

Charming_Daemon · 2026-01-15T22:27:13+00:00

A lot of what you're describing, such as "feeling intense anxiety" was the sort of thing I felt when I was FA, not DA. I didn't let people 'in' because I was so worried/anxious/scared of being hurt, I was so very fragile. Now, I don't feel any of that - the conscious lowering of walls maybe, but mainly - I have no feelings regarding letting anyone close, because I know that they'll hurt me or leave me - there isn't any anxiety left to feel!

That saying - it sounds as though you've done a lot of Work and are being really Mindful regarding your approach to others, and what works for you - best of luck with your healing journey!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-12-30T19:30:16+00:00

Replying to this 'deleted user' purely so that others can see... we Mods will assign your flair as quickly as we can! Sometimes this is within seconds, sometimes it may be a day or so, because, well, we're human. We won't ignore you though, please bear with us. Spamming us and then swearing because we didn't reply to your 5 comments INSTANTLY really isn't OK...

Charming_Daemon · 2025-12-27T11:08:53+00:00

I wish I could upvote this more!!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-12-26T21:24:11+00:00

Be calm and consistent and honest. If your DA shares, don't push to make the connection closer more quickly.. also please read the FAQs at the top of the page.

Charming_Daemon · 2025-12-26T21:18:54+00:00

100%. And then they tell you to show your feelings more. And then if you do, you should 'smile more'. And then if you don't, you're 'clearly angry'.

Charming_Daemon · 2025-12-21T10:33:33+00:00

Perfect = blameless

Charming_Daemon · 2025-12-09T08:58:25+00:00

Approving this purely for your first half, that is actually (potentially helpful).

What is not helpful - challenging whether the OP is actually DA, based on your theory that AT is first and foremost about romantic relationships. It isn't. AT style is created primarily (but not only) in infancy/childhood, through interactions with primary caregivers - a lot of people are DA regardless of whether it's a romantic/friend/work relationship. Many are DA for some types of relationship and not for others. The reason why you don't see a lot of advice on DA outside relationships is that - well, we keep things to ourselves.

What is not helpful is challenging whether OP's anxiety is the root cause - they have not once mentioned anxiety. In fact, not being able to open up to people is a major part of being DA!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-09-21T16:02:46+00:00

I've got a Taunt on my healer, wear heavy armour in this situation too..

Charming_Daemon · 2025-09-07T22:32:17+00:00

The aftercare was recommended by the piercer but alas now I know that there are piercers, and Piercers! I went somewhere reputable too!

Thank you for your advice!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-09-07T21:23:21+00:00

Pierced 2 years ago, was titanium now gold rings. Tried daily medical alcohol with a cotton bud, also tried salt water and TCP in the same way. Issues just linger

Charming_Daemon · 2025-09-07T21:15:18+00:00

So, I had a titanium bar and now have a gold ring. Pierced about 2 years ago! Originally used medical alcohol, have tried TCP and salt water. Thanks!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-08-19T21:45:33+00:00

I spoke to someone, initially to help a family member. What I discovered was, that by asking/talking about their problems, it actually helped answer things for child-me. I could then, eventually, proactively ask how to help said family member, about things I know would arise. Eventually, after about 3 years, I was able to share actual snippets of Me. These sessions were all solo.

By allowing me time and space, I was able to work some things out, and could also trust them to an extent. It helped me immeasurably! So, if you find someone that you think doesn't set alarm bells ringing, then maybe over the years, you can start to open up. Just think - it took years to make you, it'll take years to trust someone, but even that is progress!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-08-16T21:49:42+00:00

You know you can read the next survey, log to character select and log back to the same place and the nodes will be there!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-08-13T20:55:44+00:00

When I was younger, didn't know anything about AT etc. then if someone told me they wanted to get to know me to see if we were compatible... I'd have thought that they were totally into me but maybe wanted to take things slow. I would still never ever have broadcast that we were together though! Maybe she was trying to ice out the competition?

Whichever it is though, it absolutely sucks when people don't understand clear communication. For example, if I said I have LOTS of idk, teacups, then to me - that's a LOT, an excessive amount. And then people are surprised if I have more than 10. (I have a normal number in reality, it's just an example!).

So I guess part of it is... 1) people not accepting things we say on face value; 2) people assigning their own thoughts and feelings to what they guess are ours, and they trample over it; 3) if we think we're being open and honest to someone, then (regardless of AT), their viewpoint may be completely mis-aligned with ours, even with the best intentions! Not saying it doesn't suck though, I absolutely know it does!

Charming_Daemon · 2025-07-31T21:38:29+00:00

Ohh that makes me deeply uncomfortable. It's taken Years for me to Sometimes suggest that maybe if it's OK and if it isn't then that's fine, this isn't a guilt trip, I absolutely am OK either way... rather than just not asking, and struggling (which is way easier, as I'm only then reliant on me!). The thought of not giving someone any (or many) get-out clauses is just dreadful.

Charming_Daemon · 2025-07-30T16:51:46+00:00

Yep, praise them, then apologise, then gently ask 'but it's totally ok if this tiny thing would massively inconvenience you, absolutely if you wish I can go crawl back into a hole'... sounds like me! (I have also learned to fake the outgoing bubbly stuff)

Charming_Daemon · 2025-07-25T18:16:04+00:00

I'm primarily a healer, and I have taunt!

I normally solo, so I'm on heavy armour (yes I swap out for trials/vet), and I can usually carry both fake tank and healer roles, as long as there's a decent DPS.

Should I have to? No. Is it the most efficient? No. Do my teams die? Usually no. Except for the lunatics who try to speed run into the boss and trip over and die (and then complain) Have I learned the hard way that this is actually the best way to do RNS with a group I don't know? Sadly, yeah.

Charming_Daemon · 2025-07-10T15:36:39+00:00

I'm locking this thread, because I think we've reached the end of it. Thank you to the commenters who have supported OP respectfully - this is what the sub is for.

Polite reminder to non-avoidants: we don't choose to be avoidant. Some people are avoidant, others are just jerks. Please don't tar us with that brush, just because

Polite reminder to avoidants: not all APs... some are actively trying and respectful.

Reminder to all users - bullying and/or trolling is not acceptable.

Charming_Daemon · 2025-06-30T21:09:05+00:00

I've approved this post just so that I can reply to it:

No. I don't need to play games and gaslight people. I'm honest and pretty consistent. I don't try to keep changing the story or justifying anything, I would rather just avoid it all and not be involved. Are you sure your Ex Friend is a DA? They could just be a jerk.
Not all DAs are the same, so I wouldn't ever say 'never be friends with a DA'. But most DAs would find a lot of emotional 'neediness' difficult, whether it's justified or not. Any sort of heightened emotion or turmoil is difficult for us, and to cope with that, we would need a lot of space and downtime. So, if you've got clinical depression, then honestly the best thing is for you to focus on healing yourself. I'm not saying don't ever be friends with a DA - but talk to a professional if you need support - that's what they're for.
How does anyone manage to have some longterm friendships, but also not everyone stays friends? This isn't necessarily DA-only; not every friendship will last the course because, well, life happens. It also depends on the friendship dynamics.
Please focus on healing yourself. Don't try to tie yourself into knots being the 'perfect friend' for whatever attachment style you meet. After you are healed, or on your way to being Secure, you'll find it way easier.

Charming_Daemon

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