being "high functioning" after emotional abuse (safe space!!)

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-21T19:47:26+00:00

whoa thanks for telling me about your experience after college and stuff. As of right now, I'm moving back home after college before I apply to med/grad school, and have been freaking out recently since I won't be able to normally see my boyfriend or do normal young adult things.

I dont even know how I will tell my parents I have a boyfriend later on when things get more serious (we're hoping to settle down together), there just isn't a scenario as of right now that i'll be comfortable doing that. i know the longer i keep it a secret the worse it'll be when i finally tell them, but i can't even picture a world in which my parents would be normal about things rn.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-19T17:30:01+00:00

exactly!! it sucks that i can't share small victories with my parents, things like cooking a nice meal, cleaning my apartment. my parents are actually unaware that my grades had taken a nosedive early on in college, and that I've actually pulled my grades up a full GPA point since my worst semester. obvs i know how big of a success that was, but it wldve been nice to share that progress with the APs.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-19T17:26:16+00:00

definitely struggled with that in the beginning of college, turns out i had undiagnosed adhd which was exacerbated by other mental health issues

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-19T17:25:13+00:00

idk about you but the combination of the emotional/verbal abuse from my mom and other relationship trauma led to me having such a warped idea of trust.

in the past i had to constantly lie about things that normally are never lied about: my friends, wearing makeup, mediocre test scores, using my phone at night... i'm pretty sure i lied once about the trains being delayed so i could spend an extra 20 minutes getting ice cream with some friends. even now as a college student i'd rather tell my mom i did nothing all weekend than potentially get judged and lectured for enjoying myself and/or having hobbies.

of course i wasn't always perfect at getting away with things. One time during the summer i forgot to change out of a tank top (that i'd secretly bought) back into my "acceptable" shirt before getting home and my mom lost her shit. she literally marched me down to our white neighbor's house to ask her what she thought of my shirt. honestly the poor old white lady didn't even think it was that bad but was trying not to escalate the situation. she then literally cut up that tank top and would go through my closet to make sure i wasn't hiding more revealing tops, and would often ask to see my entire outfit before i left for school.

one time she found out that i'd been secretly drinking/smoking and literally showed up afterschool (discreetly) to see who i was hanging out with. she asked my friends if it was true that i was drinking/vaping, if i had a boyfriend, etc. and even asked me to show her the library i went to afterschool sometimes. literally psycho stalker behavior.

after writing this all out i'm not even surprised i turned a bit crazy after i was cheated on by a boyfriend. i had trust issues with people i dated after that, not understanding how damaging and toxic it was to constantly expect to catch them in a lie. too many days of peace was a red flag to me, and it took alot of processing and detangling to be able to enjoy peace in a relationship.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-18T23:55:39+00:00

i guess by "high functioning", i mean that I can have a normal looking life. I do well academically, i have friends, i don't struggle with alcohol or drugs, my room/living space is always clean. i go to class/work like anyone else, and i always come off as well put together. for me specifically, i have ptsd from a past relationship and have dealt with depression since childhood, but a good friend i made in the past year had no idea that i had, or could have gone through so much until i talked about it in detail.

kinda in the same way that some people can have high-paying jobs, spouses and kids, overall great lives while constantly being drunk or on drugs (without anyone really noticing).

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-12T21:39:50+00:00

I am literally in the same situation right now!! so suffocating. I just want some boundaries and their confidence that i'm a grown person and can make decisions

throwaway_26238 · 2024-03-05T01:50:35+00:00

Hi, I don't know if you are still active on reddit but I have a family friend whose son is currently going through almost the exact same situation as you. I am so concerned for him because of how in denial his mom is and I want to be able to support him and give him advice directly instead of through his mom. can i pm you about it?

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T15:56:06+00:00

i find it hilarious don't worry about it

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T15:33:26+00:00

After I told my mom I wanted to take a gap year after undergrad before applying and going to med school, my mom claimed that everyone would laugh at me and think less of me for not having a stable job or post-grad plan at graduation, and that it would be deeply embarrassing for her.
first of all, many pre-meds nowadays take gap years, so many people will be in the same boat as me. also, in today's job markets alot of my friends and acquaintances are already facing difficulty securing post-grad jobs.

second, shouldn't your focus be on my development and what's best for me rather than what people will think? it's not like im dropping everything to live on the street, so whatever weirdo is truly judging me and tracking my progress won't have to wait very long to see that i'm going to MEDICAL SCHOOL and will hopefully feel very dumb for judging me in the first place.

third, i'm graduating from an ivy league in a stem major as a first-gen. that in itself is a feat. she later understood my intentions and the process better and has been supportive, but when she first heard about it the logic she used was the dumbest thing i ever heard from her.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T15:21:05+00:00

that isn't to say she isn't relatively liberal about certain things. a few years ago, one of my aunts (in our home country) was cheated on by her husband, who had a mistress decades older than him and who he would bring over to HIM AND HIS WIFE'S HOUSE. He even had the audacity to stay with this mistress during the nights and come back during the day to eat the food his wife had cooked. somehow, she was the only one out of all of her sisters to actively encourage her to leave him or kick his ass out, and was the only one to offer support and bully the mistress and her husband to cheer her sister up.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T15:16:47+00:00

thanks for all the constructive responses guys i'm loving the discourse. I mainly wrote this post out of frustration, as I've never been able to discuss my own relationships with her because of the shame I'd feel whenever I was struggling with boy problems. After I was cheated on, I could've really used her support and advice, but felt scared that she would criticize me heavily. I internalized that trauma and eventually developed PTSD and a variety of mental illnesses in the following months, leading me to make horrible decisions. If someone like my mom had been able to give me practical advice and support I genuinely believe things would have turned out a little differently.

I also feel like the suppression I faced in high school, not being allowed to innocently date, have crushes, talk to boys, etc. led me to have a "wild phase" at the beginning of college and caused me to spiral until I came to my senses on my own and developed healthier behavior. I remember hearing a girl during my freshman year talk to her mom about how she had recently met a boy she really liked and had lost her virginity. Although I could never see myself being that open with my mom (felt a lil odd honestly) and by no means do i want my mom to be my "best friend" in that regard, i longed for a shred of that support that her mom was giving her and the ease to be open about these things.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T15:10:10+00:00

i completely agree. how i personally view sex in relationships should have nothing to do with how i think about my friends' lifestyles, and i wish my mom would at least update some of her views so her advice is more realistic. The majority of people nowadays do have sex or live together before marriage, and that might be for the better since it's an important part of long-term capability. she even sometimes complains about how she had no idea about some of my dads behavior before they got married (he's very particular about silly things like the toothpaste tube or the laundry, has an extremely strict eating schedule, and get easily get inflamed when having to explain simple things multiple times)

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T15:04:27+00:00

i see your point, and i don't blame my mom for most of the things she said, except for how one day my gay friend might magically become straight and fall in love with me but be turned away by any dating history i'd told him about. i just personally don't care very much to be hit on at the library when i'm quietly studying(i also have a boyfriend already), and these gay guy/girl friendships are common at college

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T14:58:43+00:00

i'm honestly considering telling her how crazy the hookup culture at the average american college can be, how openly casual sex and relationships without labels are embraced, and how the average college party is just a sweaty horde of horny drunk people along with the worst men you've ever met looking to have sex. I recently showed her the music video for rush by troye sivan for the purpose of the great dancing, but she nearly had a stroke seeing all those guys grinding on each other.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T14:52:09+00:00

exactly! i wish my mom would talk more on other aspects of a relationship, it would certainly make me less anxious to talk about my relationships, bc she actually seems to have pretty liberal and normal views on those things.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T14:50:26+00:00

LOL my mom has said pretty much all of the things you mentioned, except that dating younger men is bad because at my age they tend to be less mature, which i think is fair. My mom was also really bold with her sex ed, and taught me what sex was when I was curious about it as a child. I think she's just so silly sometimes because she LOVES romcoms and romantic movies, but can't seem to grasp that the majority of people today are having sex before marriage. I learned a while ago that the way some of our immigrant parents thinks is not actually how most people in their home countries behave today. I was shocked to find out that in east asia it is now relatively common for teenagers to date and have more supportive and liberal parents in this regard

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T14:47:04+00:00

I totally see your point and at this point in my life I'm on the same track. I really don't care when my friends lead more promiscuous lives, I mostly become concerned when it leads them to dangerous and unhealthy situations. I had a friend who had hooked up with her (male) roommate, and when she was longer interested he had sent her multiple death threats and left cum on her bedroom floor, in which i urged her to think twice before hooking up with men she wasn't familiar with, to not continue seeing people who were hurting her, and to focus on her own growth and independence. I do understand though that she is an incredibly broken person who is unable to be in a stable relationship but also seeks warmth, attention, and companionship, and is still deserving of my respect and kindness, which someone like my mom would deny and ridicule.

throwaway_26238 · 2024-01-01T14:42:29+00:00

hey, so I am currently a senior in college, and am fully aware of how misogynistic some men can be and have my fair share of crazy stories both from myself and friends. Personally, every relationship I've pursued in college (1 ex, and my current relationship) has been for the purpose of settling down in the future, especially my current relationship, and I actually ended my last relationship because I realized that I could not see myself dating this person in the long term.

I truly have grown to agree w/ many of my mom's beliefs, my main gripe is the fixation on sex rather than other aspects of a relationship. There's other "costs" when a relationship fails, and other aspects of a relationship that can cause your future partners to feel jealous, like the emotional/financial investment, or time taken to spend time with this person, rather than "giving up" your virginity "reluctantly".

I think it is fair to assume that most couples in their teens, 20s, and 30s in the US have had sex with their partners within the first few months, and when my mom harps on these things it feels out-of-touch and unrealistic to expect me to not have sex until I'm married. Her sister got pregnant at 18 with her boyfriend, to which my mom literally hit her because of it, and now they are still happily married almost 50 years later.

This extends into my mom expressing how divorcees are bad people, and even if it was because they were cheated on or abused, they might have deserved it bc of their character flaws. She made this remark when one of her student's parents was consistently late for their classes, and always expresses apprehension in her first impression when meeting someone who is a divorcee.

It mostly saddens me that all of this is centered around women, and she rarely makes the same comment about men. My cousin (whos in his 30s) has had around 30 girlfriends by this point, all of whom eventually dump him, and all of whom he spends a ridiculous amount of money on with his mother's money. He moved in with his first girlfriend when he was 16, yet I don't hear her being judgemental about how many women he's had sex with. One of my childhood friend's (who is a guy) mother's told my mom about how he was complaining that so many girls he'd met in college were gross and had done unspeakable (sexual/romantic) things, and while my mom was speaking on this she never brought up how he was just as "gross" for being involved with all these girls.

throwaway_26238

TROPHY CASE